DH has been lying to me for over a year

[Welshgal78]

My DS (18) confessed to me last night that he smokes. Of course I was disappointed but he's 18 so he has a right to make his own life choices. What REALLY upset and annoyed me was, my ds told me that he told my DH August 2017 and ever since then my DH has been buying him cigarettes with our money, behind my back. So he's not just kept this secret from me but has been going behind my back on a daily basis for over a year now! AIBU to feel like I can't trust him anymore? Note: this isn't the first time he's lied to me. I'm so confused. I would never keep secrets from him especially about our DC. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

17 is not an adult and at that age it's not his choice to make. If you'd known, then maybe you could have stopped him before he got addicted.
It's worse that your dh isn't even his dad - he has massively crossed the line as a step parent. How would he feel if you actively encouraged his children to do something so massively detrimental to their wellbeing and then lied to him about it?

I would be BEYOND livid.
Parenting is about singing from the same song sheet and the children knowing that it doesn't matter which parent they ask about an issue - they will get the same answer.

And that's before you even get to the fact that this particular situation is about smoking - which is a very emotive issue anyway.

It actually sounds like your DH started him on cigarettes. What does your DH say ?

I would be livid! I would be very cross with any DC that took up smoking anyway and if DH actually enabled it.... well I would be beyond livid! Surely no responsible adult actually buys their children cigarettes.....

I’d be furious.

Also I think it’s so weird and wrong that your husband has encouraged your 17yo to start smoking.

All the aduits I know who smoke want to quit. They know it’s bad for their health , a waste of money and they regret ever starting . They would be very upset if their kids took it up and say stuff like “ don’t be as stupid as me and take up smoking “.

Several parent I know have quit BECAUSE they were worried about being a bad influence on their kids.

I share your rage. And 17 is not legally adult.

I wouldn’t be nearly as upset about your DH not breaking your DS’s confidence as I would be about the fact that he’s been buying him cigarettes and using family money to do it. I’d be fucking livid about that.

Just playing devils advocate here but how do DH and DS get on? Could the smoking be a way of bonding? Of course the lying is unacceptable but could it be a misguided attempt at bonding.

Not a lot of cash ? Are you insane ????

If it was me I would be asking myself why my son didn't feel able to talk to me about it for a year? and why my husband didn't feel able to talk to me about it for a year?
But then I always look for blame in/examine myself first.
Talk to them both, at the same time... why was there secrets? No more secrets.

Are they smoking inside the house? or going outside together?

I'd be seriously pissed off at my husband buying my child something that will more than likely eventually kill him. Fucking idiot.

Yes-when/where does he smoke??

How could you not have known?

Why would your husband do this?

A person must be 18 to purchase or smoke cigarettes.
It is illegal to sell or supply tobacco to a minor.

I would go absolutely fucking apeshit about this.

The lying would annoy me but your husband must be DESPERATE to stay on the right side of your son to be buying him cigarettes.

How polarised. Your son can't even tell you, and your husband is actually going so far as to buy the cigarettes. Where is the middle ground? I'm not married so easy for me to type this but could the two of you not find a middle ground that everybody accepts with no secrets.

While I would be disappointed that my husband kept a secret about my child from me, I would be pleased that they had someone they felt they could talk to. However, I would be angry if he bought cigarettes for them. At 18 it's up to them if they smoke but I would never fund their addiction!

How many a day is he smoking, maybe its only a few? Was DH actually buying cigarettes and giving them to him, or was he just sharing with him when they went out for a puff?

I know men that would buy their 17 yo son a pint of beer, doesn't mean they are turning them in to ragging alcoholics. A ciggy isn't much different.

Maybe think of buying him a vape device for xmas, if your worried about the health implications.

What did dh say when you asked him about it OP?

The lying would piss me off less than him actually buying cigarettes for your DS - does he want him to die prematurely?

I also can’t believe your DS has actually taken it up. It’s so uncool and laughable among young people now. What a weird situation.

I would be livid over this, it would also make me wonder what else he's being telling lies about and also what other things he's been involving your DS in such as drinking.

it’s not a lot of cash

you're not a smoker then?

He's probably been smoking a lot longer than what you or your bloke know about. He should have told you though

How bloody dare he!! I would be beyond angry at dh if he secretly funded from family money getting my son addicted to his dirty little highly cacogenic habit behind my back.

He has absolutely no excuse for doing this. Obviously you would not be happy which is why he has done it, but that is not his choice to make for your child taking away your voice and any possibility you had to discourage your child starting what could be a long term smoking habit which will impact him physically and financially.

I am speechless someone could do this to their wife's child and not really sure what to say until we hear what he thinks justifies it?

I'm kind of with Crunchymum
It's an odd thing to do, spending a lot of money, doing something behind your back that he.must have known you would be really unhappy about (completely justifiable) for no discernable gain. EXCEPT, your son lost his Dad, your DH, in a completely awful and ill advised way has found a way that they spend time together the two of them, probably have a bit of time to talk 'man to man' as it were. It's the only explanation that would make any sense, and as awful as what he has done is if he stupidly thought he was doing it for the right reasons that does count for something? YANBU to be furious though.

It is illegal to buy for or give cigarettes to an U18.

“I know men that would buy their 17 yo son a pint of beer, doesn't mean they are turning them in to ragging alcoholics. A ciggy isn't much different. “

Actually ‘a ciggy’ is very much different. The legal position is different due a start. The vast majority of social drama makers do not become problem drinkers. Everyone I know who smokes daily (as the OP says her Ds had been doing with her DH) is addicted. I. E they find it very very hard to give up.

Many people believe, with plenty of anecdotal evidence, that introducing older teens to moderate, controlled drinking in a family context stops them going mad as binge drinkers. No one thinks that a bit of Father and Son smoking together helps young people not become smokers.

And smoking and moderate social drinking are way different in terms of health risk.

OP, In your shoes I would tell DH that either he instigates a joint and shared ‘let’s stop smoking together’ initiative with your DS or he gets the hell out.

And never let anyone smoke in your home again.

My DH smokes one or two cigarettes every evening. He has never ever smoked in front of the kids.