DH has been lying to me for over a year

[Welshgal78]

My DS (18) confessed to me last night that he smokes. Of course I was disappointed but he's 18 so he has a right to make his own life choices. What REALLY upset and annoyed me was, my ds told me that he told my DH August 2017 and ever since then my DH has been buying him cigarettes with our money, behind my back. So he's not just kept this secret from me but has been going behind my back on a daily basis for over a year now! AIBU to feel like I can't trust him anymore? Note: this isn't the first time he's lied to me. I'm so confused. I would never keep secrets from him especially about our DC. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

Op you are absolutely right to be pissed off about this.
DH kept a bloody big secret from you, he lied and actually enabled by buying fags for DS.
Smoking is a fucking mugs game and DH should have dealt with it more appropriately.

She can if it is family money paying for it
If the DH wants to spend his share of the money this way it's up to him. Both Son and Ops DH have knowledge that's it's a mugs game but they have made their form choices. It's very little to do with the Op now the son is 18. She may not like it but that's the way it is.
DP and DS2 do spend money on things I don't approve of and hate but they are adults and I don't need to know.

There's nowt wrong with a cig to help one unwind after a long day.

Troll says what?

The only people a cigarette helps to unwind are those who are addicted to nicotine and have been going through withdrawal. The cigarette is ‘hair of dog’.

If you’ve never smoked a cigarette will not ‘relax’ you.

Honestly I’d be wondering why they felt the need to lie and keep this from me

"Honestly I’d be wondering why they felt the need to lie and keep this from me"

Yup-it's all Op's fault isn't it??

I'm guessing that they lied because they knew that Op would be pissed off & that an adult buying a kid/young adult cigarettes is all kinds of (imo) screwed up!

Yup-it's all Op's fault isn't it?? controlling people get things kept from them.

You’ve made it onto loose women!

"controlling people get things kept from them."

@diddl - where's the lie?

Id also be pissed off. Your son has decided he thinks he’s cool enough to smoke and old enough so that means he is the one to fund it.

I don’t blame you OP. The smoking - ok, I’d not be pleased but I smoked for a few years as a youth and can’t judge. DH buying them for him, I’d be very upset. And no, I don’t think it’s remotely controlling to want your partner to share he is buying cigs for a teenager.

'He’d be gone.

He has a history of lying to you and I wouldn’t tolerate that.

He’s enabled your CHILD to smoke - in my world 17/18 year olds (especially those still living at home) are not adults. An adult buys and pays for their own cigarettes. I’d be beyond livid with anyone enabling my child to smoke, but their own? Jesus wept. He’d be gone so fast. Fucking idiot'. ^this

I loathe smoking, would not have got together with a smoker and would definitely not be ok with this. However, it is interesting that your DS chose to land his step-dad in the s**t when found out. I'd be wary of being manipulated, and try to talk about it calmly with DH. Find out what exactly his involvement was & why, rather than just going ballistic, tempting as it might be.

When my ds told me he'd been smoking for over a year, I said that I wished for his sake that he hadn't started, because it's addictive, expensive and bad for his health, but it's his body and choice as he's 18. The only thing that upset me is that my dh not only kept it from me but had also been buying him cigarettes and smoking them with him. I told him that if any of our or (especially) his dc's told me a big secret, I would tell them that I'd give them some time to tell their dad themselves, but I wouldn't keep it from him for over a year and I definitely wouldn't enable them to do something behind their dad's back.

God, I’d be so upset. I certainly didn’t go through hell on Earth to bring them into the world and do everything in my power to ensure their health for DP to help him bugger his body up. I’d be so upset. I wouldn’t overreact to my child but to DP? I’d throw him right out

I'd throw him out. Anyone who did anything to allow my children to be harmed would be gone. Are there other dodgy things about this man?

You’re not being controlling—I would definitely expect DH to tell me, and I’ve been in a similar situation, and I told DH straight away about his daughter, because I would want to know. I’d struggle to trust him too, and you’re not being unreasonable to question your relationship with him. Xx

in a misguided way sounds like he was tying to bond with your son -its now backfired but if he has form maybe you have to rethink your relationship

I feel really strongly about smoking- it’s a entirely bad thing to do in every way. I would livid if my DH in any way enabled my child (whether 14 or 34) to take it up. I can’t think what could possibly have motivated him to do that. He presumably lied because he knew it was a unjustifiable thing to do.

He’s enabled your CHILD to smoke - in my world 17/18 year olds. Jeez, know wonder we have a snowflake generation. I can understand DS being skint but to call home a child when he is older enough to be a parent himself is ridiculous. Op surely if DH had been buying fags for over a year on a daily basis out of the family money you would have noticed when you check your bank statements. Didn't you think' hmm we are about 50 quid down again this week?'

Yes I’d be really annoyed about that too, on so many levels

So what reason does your husband give for this?

in a misguided way sounds like he was tying to bond with your son -its now backfired Also, if he’s buying him cigarettes every day that’s 20 a day. You can’t get them in 10’s anymore.

So DS has already got a 20 a day habit. That is so sad.