Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

(275 Posts)
Xmastimealready Thu 13-Sep-18 22:50:40

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP’s posts: |
fairypuff Thu 13-Sep-18 22:54:48

Christmas dinner, crackers, drinks, etc can run into hundreds of pounds! If you can afford it you should definitely pay for.your own accommodation. If you can't, don't go.

BritInUS1 Thu 13-Sep-18 22:56:20

I agree if you can afford it pay and if you can't don't go

EleanorRigbey Thu 13-Sep-18 22:57:17

I suppose you don't have to go but it would be nice to make the effort for a family get together. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to pay for the flat. If your parents will be providing food and drinks for Christmas.

Iloveacurry Thu 13-Sep-18 22:58:24

Don’t go then if you don’t want to.

Didiusfalco Thu 13-Sep-18 22:58:30

I think it’s fine as financially independent adults to say you won’t go. They can’t have it both ways, if they want to summon they need to pay, if it’s an invite that they are happy for you to turn down if you wish then fine to put the onus on you (although nicer if they would treat you!)

Leeds2 Thu 13-Sep-18 22:59:02

If you want to go home for Christmas, pay for the flat. If you prefer to stay home, or go elsewhere, do so.

Fwiw, I can't imagine putting my own DD in the same situation if I had the means to pay for her to stay in the flat.

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JustlikeDevon Thu 13-Sep-18 22:59:10

Do you want to be there for Xmas??

If you do and you can afford to stay elsewhere, why wouldn't you? If your parents are hosting Christmas for (eg) themselves, 2 elderly couples plus you and siblings plus partners if appropriate, that's a fuckload of money on food before presents are factored in. This doesn't appear to be not helping you out, rather a case of no room at the inn.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 Thu 13-Sep-18 23:01:10

I think your sister is a grabby mare and you're edging towards it. They are inviting you for christmas and its about time you grew up and stopped expecting mammy and daddy to pay for everything.

DickensianHysteric Thu 13-Sep-18 23:01:11

It's your choice if you still want to go for Christmas knowing that you can't stay in their house. But they can't make you rent a flat for a certain number of nights. You could travel there and stay 2 nights in a Premier Inn if you like. But wherever you stay, you should pay for your accommodation, I don't think that's unreasonable.

LondonCrone Thu 13-Sep-18 23:02:07

Pay for the flat. It gives you more autonomy -- when my parents pay for something, it means they give the marching orders. If I pay, it means I get to spend at least some of the time doing what I like. With two or more of you, it surely won't be that expensive anyway, and the freedom over the holiday period will be worth it (ie, when you want to go get pissed with your school friends one night without your mum knowing).

Xmastimealready Thu 13-Sep-18 23:02:10

@JustlikeDevon
Yes thats exactly it, no room at the inn! I will try and talk my sister down but shes quite miffed at it. She also doesnt think its right for us to not be able to stay in the "family home" for xmas which I think is OTT.

OP’s posts: |
Annandale Thu 13-Sep-18 23:02:24

Ooh tricky one.

I'm inclined to say that it wouldn't occur to me not to pay for my own accommodation in these circumstances - which would mean i would choose where to be myself. I do think the flat sounds like a nice idea though. I'm afraid my mother usually stays in a hotel on the rare occasuons she stays overnight to see me, and it's never really come up, she always pays for herself blush

mummagirl Thu 13-Sep-18 23:03:33

Wouldn't ask my children to come unless they're staying with us. Other family members do not rate above your children. Children may have want to help out with older members, not above .

FriggingMardyCow Thu 13-Sep-18 23:05:48

Pay for your own accommodation if you go, if you don't want to pay then don't go.

Your sister is an adult who works; her attitude is so entitled, don't get sucked in. If she doesn't want to pay for accommodation, she doesn't have to go. She'll probably pay the same out on providing her own Christmas day food and drink as she would on accommodation. She is the tight one not your parents.

YABU to be thinking of siding with her. Your parents offer is 100% normal.

Xmastimealready Thu 13-Sep-18 23:07:11

@FriggingMardyCow
Thank you for that, that really puts things in perspective.

OP’s posts: |
PurpleArmy Thu 13-Sep-18 23:08:57

My kids come first and stay with me in the family home.

Other guests stay in a hotel.

londonrach Thu 13-Sep-18 23:10:42

Seriously yabu. If you stay in a hotel you pay. Their house is full so if you want to stay nearby you have to stay and pay. It be vvvv rude for your parents to pay.

Riv Thu 13-Sep-18 23:10:47

We have always done this when visiting any relatives including parents when going “home “ for celebrations unless very specifically asked to stay at their house.
I actually think it is good that your mum has found somewhere nearby for you, however, you can always find your own place, or just not go . As others have said- you are adults, you choose.

NonaGrey Thu 13-Sep-18 23:15:09

That aren’t making you “pay to come for Christmas” for goodness sake!!

They are inviting you for Christmas Day but asking you to organise your own accommodation - you’re adults it’s far from unreasonable!

We host Christmas dinner for the entire family every year - it costs us hundreds and hundreds of pounds and it’s bloody hard work.

Turning up and paying for a couple of nights accommodation instead is a considerably easier option.

Don’t go if you don’t want to, but don’t behave like entitled teenagers.

FrancisCrawford Thu 13-Sep-18 23:18:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB Thu 13-Sep-18 23:20:13

I think you should get to choose whether you stay in a travel lodge, an AIr B&B or a naice hotel (when they say 'rent a flat', do they mean Air B&B?) But they are not that unreasonable asking you to stay somewhere else than theirs if they need the space for other relatives.

powerwalk Thu 13-Sep-18 23:21:20

The other elderly and infirm and have needs. They are probably really looking forward to such a special treat. Your sister really lacks empathy and kindness. Your parents have done a lovely thing, and they are doing EVERYTHING! And have done always.

Tell you sister to get over herself and start thinking about other people. Confirm with your parents you are more than happy to do that and thank her for inviting you. It is not a god given right!

Wonkypalmtree Thu 13-Sep-18 23:22:45

I would jump at the opportunity of finding a fab apartment to have fun and relax in away from the Christmas expectations, club together for a bit of luxury

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Sep-18 23:24:28

Your sister is very grabby, if you can influence her towards being less entitled that would be very good for her! This is what adults do. Imagine if your parents got a bit frail and had to downsize. Would you never even visit unless they booked you somewhere to stay? You’re adults with jobs. You’ve been invited for Christmas but they don’t have room to also invite you to stay.

Try hosting Christmas! It probably wouldn’t cost that much different if you had to buy in the food and drinks. As adults it is probably about time one of the siblings offered to host. My parents or aunts or uncles always host the big family Christmas as they have room for 40+ people but my siblings & I have hosted the immediate family Christmas dinner for 12 -15 in our twenties.

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