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Spin off from thread about favourite child-DH prefers ours over his sons

(107 Posts)
Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 06:49:11

It’s a complicated story but his sons were literally taken away from him at young age - first wife filed for divorce, took more than half of his fortune (she was sahm), remarried and decided that DH was no longer a suitable dad, told sons to call stepdad “daddy” and told DH that he’s only their biological dad and nothing else as they now have a new daddy. 2 years later DH remarried (to me), ex wife got jealous her boys spent time with me, she limited contact to the point of no contact. Moved the boys far away.

Fast forward a few years, court battles, low contact, DH got a new job abroad, decided on new start. We moved away since we didn’t get to see the boys anyway.
Now we have 2 DCs of our own. DH clearly favours ours as he feels more connected to ours. In his will, our children will get a bigger share because when the ex left she took more than half of the family fortune, so they’ll not do badly anyway.

See how damaging it is to limit contact with the father. It’s not DH’s fault he feels this way. But I do feel bad for the boys. They are now late teens.

DuchyDuke Thu 19-Apr-18 06:55:00

A good father wouldn’t have moved abroad when he has kids even on low contact. He sounds like a shit father to be honest - why did you choose to have kids with him?

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 06:56:01

He saw them the same as when in the same country so what’s the issue here?

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 07:00:57

The mother moved away a year later as well to accomodate her husband’s work. That was always on the agenda.

Ex is toxic why don’t we focus on that. Her prime concerns were to extract as much money as possible from him. When she remarried a wealthier guy she decided that DH is violent and unsuitable father who can only see his sons supervised and once a month.

I don’t think a parent should loose all their dignity and happiness just to keep in touch.
If I decide to bar my DH to see our children I wouldn’t expect him to hang around to be miserable then blame him for leaving no.

A good mother wouldn’t bar a perfectly good father from seeing his kids just because she decides he’s no longer needed or fitted into her “family picture”. Why not focus on that?

CactaiPie Thu 19-Apr-18 07:01:00

He's their father. Its his job to fight tooth and nail, in court if necessary, for his children.
Not fuck off abroad with his new wife.
You're both U.

Booboobooboo84 Thu 19-Apr-18 07:01:38

Your husband sounds like a dick and your coming across as a gloating bitch. Why is he not continuing to fight for more contact- lazy a/f

Booboobooboo84 Thu 19-Apr-18 07:03:04

Lose his dignity and happiness by fighting to keep in touch. I lost all respect for him for not fighting and he should be miserable with low contact.

DaisysStew Thu 19-Apr-18 07:03:30

Because if an emergency happens and he needs to be there for his sons he’s thousands of miles away. Because you don’t punish your children for your ex’s actions.

As far as the money goes that’s just petty, spiteful and once again punishing his children for what their mum did. How can you be with a man who treats his children like this?

upwardSpiral Thu 19-Apr-18 07:03:47

You're not going to win here @Vanessatiger

Whatever the situation there'll be some posters who run him down through blind misandry.

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 07:04:51

I forgot MN thinks a father should loose all their sleep and happiness to fight for their right to see their children.
After 5 years of fighting, we got tired and worn out and it took a huge toll on him. I supported us leaving, best thing we did was leaving and creating a family for ourselves.

Ex said he’s no longer needed and boys happier without us. So why not take her words for it, don’t mothers know best?(if we echo mumnetters). So why is the onus in the father to see them.

CactaiPie Thu 19-Apr-18 07:05:14

And there are many, many things he could've done to prevent her leaving the UK with his children, or from moving within a certain distance within the UK. If they were married he has PR (He does anyway if they were born post 2004) which gives him a lot more of a say, legally, on all kinds of things. Including (within reason) where his kids live.
A few hours with a family law specialist would've helped him weigh up his options. But no he decided to fuck off overseas instead.
No sympathy.

Booboobooboo84 Thu 19-Apr-18 07:06:52

I think parents full stop should fight to see their children. Not just fathers. Not just mothers. Of course you supported him leaving. That suited you down to the ground. What were you hoping to achieve by this thread?

CactaiPie Thu 19-Apr-18 07:06:56

I'm actually a man (and a father, and a NRP with a rather nasty ex who I've fought In court).
Walking away is never an option.

MoistCantaloupe Thu 19-Apr-18 07:06:57

Sounds a bit one sided to me.

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 07:07:37

Oh ok, so DH should give all the money to ex and live in a bedsit waiting to see his kids every month for 4hours supervised. Oh ok I guess that’s what good fathers do.

You must be kidding that ex would ever call in an emergency.

Actually I think in this scenario we are right to leave.

CPtart Thu 19-Apr-18 07:07:41

Has he put money in a bank account for them over the years?

Gaelach Thu 19-Apr-18 07:07:59

Cool story.

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 07:09:51

You’re deluded if you think it’s a few hours with a family lawyer, he spent loads of time consulting lawyers and appearing in court but every time ex upper it by making up vicious lies.

Oysterbabe Thu 19-Apr-18 07:10:28

I don't buy that he was an innocent victim of some evil harpy for a second.

Booboobooboo84 Thu 19-Apr-18 07:11:31

YEah it is what good fathers do. They do what they can for their kids and fight for more contact while doing everything they can to financially support their existing children. Rather than fuck of to another country and make more children they can’t afford. Because if he can’t afford to support his existing kids he shouldn’t have started a new family with you.

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 07:11:43

The kids were born abroad, no PR, it’s complicated legally... and she’s toxic.

PeanutButterSquash Thu 19-Apr-18 07:12:44

No, he should've got a backbone and fought for his kids.
I've been there (as a NRP) Im now the resident parent. It took thousands and yes it was wearing, but I find it hard to believe that (unless there's something you aren't telling us) a judge would order a loving father to only have four hours of supervised access per month?
Also,
Have you seen how much child support actually is? She wouldn't be "taking all his money" god. Don't make me laugh!

So we have a man who's moved abroad to avoid paying maintanence and doesn't see his kids and by the sound of it won't get his finger out of his ass and get it in front of a judge either?
Aw, bless.
hmm

Vanessatiger Thu 19-Apr-18 07:13:16

I guess you don’t know our story.
We can very well afford our children.
We still support the boys financially, and yea they have a trust fund but not as sizeable as our kids.

We aren’t poor.

The mother wanted more millions than she already got

swingofthings Thu 19-Apr-18 07:13:29

mmm, you do portray your OH in a very stereotypical victim way. All the ex's fault, he did absolutely nothing wrong etc.. Personally, any father who makes his children pay for the error of his ex can't be so perfect in the first place.

Personally, I always find it interesting that new partners seem to have gained such a perfect knowledge of someone they hardly know if at all, so most of it only or mainly coming from their partner who clearly are going to be biased and resentful. One think that attracted me to my OH is that although his ex wife cheated on him and left, he didn't portray her as the wicked witch, and indeed, years later, I could understand better what probably went wrong in their marriage, with my OH not being a complete victim in the outcome.

In the end, your OH did chose to move abroad. It suited him. He did have a choice to stay and continue to fight, but he opted for starting again, so I really can't see how even if he was treated appallingly by his ex, he is all innocent in the fact that he has no contact at all with his children now.

rollingonariver Thu 19-Apr-18 07:13:36

She took half of his fortune? She was entitled to it, they got divorced and that's how divorce works. I do not understand why he'd then punish his children for this?
As others have said, any good father wouldn't have moved and would have tried to see his kids. Sounds like she had a reason for restricting contact. But also no court wouldn't allow access for no good reason, there's something else here.

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