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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spin off from thread about favourite child-DH prefers ours over his sons

106 replies

Vanessatiger · 19/04/2018 06:49

It’s a complicated story but his sons were literally taken away from him at young age - first wife filed for divorce, took more than half of his fortune (she was sahm), remarried and decided that DH was no longer a suitable dad, told sons to call stepdad “daddy” and told DH that he’s only their biological dad and nothing else as they now have a new daddy. 2 years later DH remarried (to me), ex wife got jealous her boys spent time with me, she limited contact to the point of no contact. Moved the boys far away.

Fast forward a few years, court battles, low contact, DH got a new job abroad, decided on new start. We moved away since we didn’t get to see the boys anyway.
Now we have 2 DCs of our own. DH clearly favours ours as he feels more connected to ours. In his will, our children will get a bigger share because when the ex left she took more than half of the family fortune, so they’ll not do badly anyway.

See how damaging it is to limit contact with the father. It’s not DH’s fault he feels this way. But I do feel bad for the boys. They are now late teens.

OP posts:
ILikeMyChickenFried · 19/04/2018 14:21

I forgot MN thinks a father should loose all their sleep and happiness to fight for their right to see their children.

I'd lose all my sleep and happiness to fight to see my children if someone took them away. In that situation I'd have little happiness to lose anyway.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 19/04/2018 14:27

I forgot MN thinks a father should loose all their sleep and happiness to fight for their right to see their children

I have read threads on MN by mums when the reverse has happened (dad's refuse to return kids after contact) You can feel the panic, despair and pain in their posts and subsequent updates. How can a parent not lose sleep and fight for their kids? Children deserve contact with loving parents.

Justanotherzombie · 19/04/2018 14:37

I think many posters here (luckily) have no idea how much pain and control a mother can inflict on a father if she wishes to via the courts. I know of some really awful cases and couldn’t blame the fathers for giving up (for now) because the price to pay would be all their money, their job, their mental health and in some cases, their other children.

It’s very easy to criticise and assume all absent fathers are useless twats.

BitchQueen90 · 19/04/2018 14:45

I still think he should leave the same amount of money to all his kids regardless. It's hardly their fault and to be honest both their parents sound shit.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 21/04/2018 06:12

Consider this scenario: DH had amassed his fortune during the 20 odd years he’s been working. The ex came along for about 3 years, split up and took 2/3 of his wealth (house, car, bank accounts etc). Let’s say he had amassed 3m, of which only 500,000 was amassed during the marriage. But the ex got 2m awarded and wanted more and half of his future earnings, his pension, and wanting him to still pay private schools and maintenance and holidays. None coming from her own pocket. When they split up, they only looked at his bank accounts. They never looked at hers although she had inherited money from her dead relative.
They divorced abroad, not the UK. Complicated story about domicile and wealth etc. DH just didn’t contest it at the time seeing he had the children’s best interests at heart. But when she went after more than what she already got, he snapped and said enough is enough. She basically wanted all his earnings, shares, and more to the point where a man who earns half a million a year would have to live in a bedsit if she got her way.

So basically she has 2m, and DH has 1. We have 4 kids, so DH opted to give a larger share to our children than to the older ones seeing they will inherit more from their mother.

No DH isn’t lying as I’ve seen those back and forth emails and attended court hearings.

He might not be the best dad but he isn’t a shit parent. Moving away doesn’t make you shit. It made financial and emotional sense.
Beside, how do you know abroad didn’t mean “Scotland “ or “Ireland” ?we see them the same as living in the same country as them.

DH still pays private schools, holidays, clothing. I think the monthly CM is about £3000 per child, plus holidays and everything else. But ex gets her knickers in a twist if we give the kids gifts directly. She wants everything to go through her. In her words, so as not to spoil them.

OP posts:
seventh · 21/04/2018 06:27

All about money.

What about contact time? Chats, cuddles, watching sports, phone calls, love?

What about love?

Why didn't your ex ask the Judge/s for contact time. 50/50. No Judge would deny this unless there was violence involved

You speak about money, trust funds, private education payments

None of that impresses me. None of that interests me over love and contact time.

And cuddles.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 21/04/2018 07:22

I was answering the above that he should give the children equal share.

They divorced when children were very young, below 3 years old. She claimed violence amongst other things.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 21/04/2018 07:29

Op AIBU?

Whole of MN ...yes

OP ..... no I'm not!

You've got to love these!

You stated other finally your DH favoured your mutual children, that makes him a shit dad!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 21/04/2018 07:42

He had time to bond with our children, whilst he never bonded with the other ones. The youngest was 5 months when divorced. They are like strangers he pays for really.

OP posts:
seventh · 21/04/2018 07:48

She claimed violence amongst other things.

Then he could have told the Judge he'd have supervised weekly visitations until he was deemed safe.

No Judge would deny such a reasonable request

seventh · 21/04/2018 07:50

They are like strangers he pays for really.

But they are strangers because he hasn't chosen to see them and fight her difficulties and intransigence

It can't ALL be down to her. Nothing is EVER one person's fault in a relationship

bridgetoc · 21/04/2018 07:57

I can't imagine my DH ever going to live in another country and leaving his kids behind. It would not matter what I did to make it hard for him to be a Dad. He would make sure that he was.

gamerwidow · 21/04/2018 07:57

Your DH was clearly never that bothered about his children from his old marriage. I hope he at least pays maintenance. He is going your children a disservice by favouring them and denying them the opportunity of having a relationship on good terms with their siblings in future. It's disgusting his previous children won't get the same from his will it's not their fault they became estranged.
My dad favoured me over my sister because he left when my sister was young and didn't bond properly with her. It has caused years of conflict between us and the rejection has caused her pain and emotional problems her whole life. We love each other very much but the resentment still lurks underneath and it is hard for both of us because we were forced into this situation by no fault of our own.

Belindabauer · 21/04/2018 08:00

He can do what he likes with his money.

Belindabauer · 21/04/2018 08:01

Not saying that's right but that's the bottom line.

Dozer · 21/04/2018 08:02

He WAS a shit parent to give up. To move abroad. He’s still a shit parent. And he is going to leave more money to the DC he favours.

You have supported and enabled this.

MarthasGinYard · 21/04/2018 08:20

'he never bonded with the other ones.'

Jesus wept

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2018 08:38

A friend of mine was a single parent from the off.

The father has been a constant presence in the child’s life for the past 10 years. Because he loves his child and wants to be their father.

It can be done if you want to do it. Your husband clearly didn’t want to.

purplelila2 · 21/04/2018 09:38

@Vanessatiger so how comes you were jealous of your dh going to see his dc? And claimed it prevented you going away with your friend ?

(previous thread!)

purplelila2 · 21/04/2018 09:41

Also if he favours your dc so much why in your own words "He has never and never will look after the children alone while I go on holiday".

He prefers your dc apparently over his others but he won't parent them?

purplelila2 · 21/04/2018 09:51

Sorry OP your posts don't add up...

You previously said he doesn't help out with your dc and you resent him and his ex and your MIL whom you and your children have never met...

He doesnt sound like a good father or good husband OP sorry

"Vanessatiger

No I’m down because it’s happened so many times. And he’s a critical husband who has no sympathy for me. Who’s never let me sleep in during the weekend, who never woken once for a night feed. Who’s never taken my “thing” into consideration. It’s all about him and his whatever. Not because of ONLY this particular fight."

Imnoth3r3 · 21/04/2018 09:56

I'm sorry OP but wanting us to focus on certain parts of your story only doesn't seem to be helping your case. I doubt your one-sided account is not biased and this seems like an attempt to gain sympathy for your DH's situation and excuse certain seemingly unacceptable behaviours. We don't have the whole, fairly told story and so cannot make fair assessments. It seems like a rather high and mighty post, to be honest.

BitchQueen90 · 21/04/2018 10:57

Doesn't matter that his kids from previous relationship will inherit more from their mother. He should still leave them equal share in his will. Nothing you can say will make me think otherwise. And moving away does make you a shit parent imo. If what you say is true (and I take it with a pinch of salt because I've seen loads of second wives who claim their DH's first wife is the spawn of satan) then she is a shit parent too. But your DH isn't much better so trying to paint him as a poor victim doesn't work. He could have made more effort especially now they are adults, end of.

Goshitshighuphere · 21/04/2018 11:36

I expect that he will go on to have further families.

What provision will you expect when your divorce? You might not feel the same way when it is you in a few years time.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/04/2018 12:14

He sounds like a shit father and you're full of excuses.

If this is real Hmm