Spin off from thread about favourite child-DH prefers ours over his sons

[Vanessatiger]

It’s a complicated story but his sons were literally taken away from him at young age - first wife filed for divorce, took more than half of his fortune (she was sahm), remarried and decided that DH was no longer a suitable dad, told sons to call stepdad “daddy” and told DH that he’s only their biological dad and nothing else as they now have a new daddy. 2 years later DH remarried (to me), ex wife got jealous her boys spent time with me, she limited contact to the point of no contact. Moved the boys far away.

Fast forward a few years, court battles, low contact, DH got a new job abroad, decided on new start. We moved away since we didn’t get to see the boys anyway.
Now we have 2 DCs of our own. DH clearly favours ours as he feels more connected to ours. In his will, our children will get a bigger share because when the ex left she took more than half of the family fortune, so they’ll not do badly anyway.

See how damaging it is to limit contact with the father. It’s not DH’s fault he feels this way. But I do feel bad for the boys. They are now late teens.

Because after a certain amount of time, you stop being a parent and become a stranger.

The extreme case is adoption. To my mind, the parents are the people who raise you, often little to do with biology.

Many people who have been adopted long to reunite with their biological parents despite having been raised by loving adopted parents who they love very much. There are countless people who spend years trying to track down their bio parents and those who always feel a part of them is missing. Of course there are those who don't too ...

How does that benefit them when they have loving parents? - Can someone really be a loving parent if they isolate their child from another loving parent where they pose no threat to the child? I'm not so sure. And yes, for many people it would help - especially if they never got over the feeling of 'rejection' that sometimes happens when a parent disappears from their life.

Well, I can understand feeling more bonded to the children you live with. It doesn’t explain why he isn’t providing for them in his will, though.

What is the AIBU?

What an interesting post.

Look, your agenda was clear from 'his fortune' on.

Not his fortune - THEIRS. They were married, she and he were a family together doing the twin jobs of earning money and raising the children.

I'm not sure what you want from this - validation that it's ok from now on to cut contact? Is that what he's thinking of doing?

You won't get that validation from here. If his ex has made contact difficult, I sympathise - but, he needs to keep the door open and keep trying. It might get easier when they reach later teens.

I suspect you feel terrible deep down because he's finally said he doesn't want to keep trying. There's no way out of that one - yes that is terrible, and it says a lot about the father of YOUR children that I'm sure you'd rather not know.

None of this is the children's fault. A decent father would leave equal amounts to all his own children in his will. Depriving some of his children to punish a greedy ex-wife is nasty. His will is one occasion when he has the opportunity to be a good father to his other children and he is not taking it. Instead he is hurting the children to get revenge on his ex-wife.

So it sounds as if you are not married to a very nice man. I'm sorry about that.

'took half of his fortune'...his 'fortune' really?

Sounds like the start of a terrible novel tbh.

Teri

Many people who have been adopted long to reunite with their biological parents despite having been raised by loving adopted parents who they love very much.

I'm sure they do. In my experience 100% don't - 6 children across 4 families. All of them were different races to their parents so there was no big surprise and finding bio-parents would have been difficult or impossible. Maybe that makes a difference.

Can someone really be a loving parent if they isolate their child from another loving parent where they pose no threat to the child?

Yes. Loving doesn't mean you don't make mistakes or are perfect - although I do side with the father in this case.

After an extended absence (for whatever reason) I think another parent could pose a threat to the child i.e. could have a negative impact on their life.

I think there is a point where a parent needs to walk away. Maybe their own sanity. Maybe for the benefit of the children who no longer know them.

I'm lucky, I have a strong marriage and so does everyone I know. Unusual perhaps but I only know one person who's been divorced and there were no children involved so I can only try to imagine the situation. My children are approaching their teens but I don't kid myself that I'd still be missed if I'd been replaced a decade ago and if I were to suddenly reappear I don't think there would be a benefit to them.

'Spin off'

All of them were different races to their parents so there was no big surprise and finding bio-parents would have been difficult or impossible I think we've both got such completely different experiences that we're seeing things from other sides of the coin. That's no bad thing, it's always interesting to hear other peoples points of view. I'm a member of a Facebook group called DNA Detectives, it aims to help reunite biological family members through the use of DNA tests from various places but, for example, Ancestry being the main one. With this test people can build what they call 'Mirror Trees' to try and establish where they fit in a genetic relations family. I think you'd find the group very interesting - people share their own experiences there daily, some happy and some sad but all unique in their own way.

I'm lucky, I have a strong marriage and so does everyone I know. Unusual perhaps but I only know one person who's been divorced and there were no children involved so I can only try to imagine the situation.
My parents divorced when I was very young because he was extremely violent. The courts still granted him access. He rarely turned up. My mother took him back to court and they said he must prove himself by turning up for the next three Sundays without fail - he didn't turn up to a single one of those three and lost all rights to access. We live in the same town and I'd see him sometimes, he didn't have much time for me. I felt so hurt and rejected, and like lots of people who suffer that rejection I longed even more so for his acceptance. We now have regular contact and I no longer feel that rejection. I don't particularly like him, he's not a good person at all - but that feeling of self hatred (why would anyone love me when my own father can't?) has gone because he finally accepted me in his life. It's disfunctional, my way of thinking, but it's not unusual. It's not healthy for me to base my self worth on his approval and that's something I'm working on and have been for years, but ultimately, despite him being horrible, I still needed his acceptance and probably wouldn't still be here if I didn't have it.

My sons father walked away when he was young and has another 3 children from 3 other women since who he has also walked out on. It kills me every time my son says he hates his dad, he misses his dad, he wants a new dad ... his power to hurt my son is somehow amplified by his absence. I've no doubt my son is feeling rejected, no matter what I say to him he will blame himself - indeed he has vocalised such 'mum I was a good boy to daddy wasn't I?'.

So yes, whilst I can understand your point of view I could never and will never walk away from my son, no matter the circumstances - and I ask myself daily how his father could have walked away from him.

"I think you'd find the group very interesting"

I think I would. I got a DNA test for my birthday last month. I find ancestry fascinating although know a lot of mine simply because they were quite famous and quite a lot is known.

I'm not especially interested in long-lost relatives, I just find the whole notion of common ancestry fascinating and uniting.

"indeed he has vocalised such 'mum I was a good boy to daddy wasn't I?'."

This put a lump in my throat and I'm often questions as to whether I have a heart or a small, cold stone.

It doesn't change my mind though. A good 'parent' can make the sound decision that it's time to walk away. You sound nothing like the mother the OP spoke about though and your son's father nothing like the OP's husband. My thought's on your situation and my thoughts on theirs are completely different.

Good luck

@Vanessatiger can I ask why you're so sure that everything your husband has told you about his ex is true? I say this because when I was with my DDs father I got the whole sob story about how his ex had taken all his money, then after extreme EA he took all mine and left me. He's now with a new woman who hates my guts because he's told her I took all his money and that he has to pay me huge amounts of maintenance each month- totally untrue. He took all my savings and pays bugger all. What I'm saying is why is his side of the story definitely true? Even for less conflictive stories there are still always two sides

I hope OP that your marriage doesn't break down and your 'd'h doesn't move on and father more kids with someone else as he will love them 'more' than yours.

@Vanessatiger

Wow! So much hate on here!!

I dont see how you are in the wrong at all???

Mental!

Even as the favoured children, your children will always know that they had a father who would, under certain circumstances, give up in a relationship with them and abandon them for a 'new start.' They won't be comforted by getting more than their brothers, they'll just have to come to terms with the kind of man their dad was and how he viewed his children (i.e. expendable if maintaining contact proves too much hassle). Saddest for the unfavoured ones, but a sad story all around.

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Vanessatiger

Unfortunately your thread has brought out the nastiest subhumans of MN. I'd simply ignore all the ignorant, bitter, cows who think they know more about your husband's legal battles for contact then you do and seem to also be deeply deluded about how well the system works.

There are many people who have fought tooth and nail for contact or support to still be fucked over by the system. How many desperate women do we see posting on here who have been screwed over by the system, is it really so hard to believe a man can be as well?

My paternal grandmother kidnapped my father and uncle after getting divorced, no one could find them for about 8 years. They only resurfaced because she got sick of having responsibility and she told our family where they were then abandoned them there. Their relationship with their father never fully recovered, in part because of her poisoning them against their Dad. I'm not surprised he went on to have 2 children later in life to try and fill the void of what he missed with his older 2. Some women aren't fit to be mothers and some men unfortunately get screwed over realising that too late.

I used to work in the world of contact/residence disputes, talking to all parties involved. In my experience, there is very rarely a “good” parent, and a “bad” parent. But. It does happen. It is also true that the parent with residence, CAN, if determined, and clever, effectively deny contact to the other parent, despite court orders. So, I do have sympathy with the OP if it has s the case that the mother has been so obstructive. Endless court hearings can prove exhausting, and sometimes, counter productive giving ammo to parent with residence to turn the children against the one seeking contact. This is rare though. Most parents accept it is in the child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with the other parent. What I would say though is please. Don’t give up. Your DH needs to continue to seek contact at all times, keep a record of all attempts. Send letters to ex wife to arrange meetings (when you are in the same country...). Send birthday cards/presents to the children. Send letters to them, keep copies. Don’t criticise the mum in the letters, your DH needs to just tell them he is trying to keep in contact, ask them how they are, be chatty etc. At some point, his 2 DS will want to contact him - maybe as teenagers, maybe as young adults. Imagine how they will feel if they know he didn’t “give up”. Even if they saw none of his letters, if he’s kept copies, what a gift for them to know how he tried. This is the minimum. Please get him to do this. And I think he should treat all his children the same in his will.

This is a very very different scenario from your previous thread about how you love to spoil your step-sons and their jealous mother wants you to stop. She says it's because she wants them to learn to save for themselves but you now it's because she's bitter that she can't afford it. She's so spiteful you might have to not buy them a London flat each! But now it turns out she got millions in the divorce and married an even wealthier man, so it turns out she's not so bitter about you guys being rich after all.......

Though your husband was a totally shitty dad in that thread too.

I do n’t understand the hostility to men who give up fighting for contact, as it absolves the parent who is denying contact from responsibility. Also the tension over disputed contact may cause the children more harm than good.

Northernparent68 Thu 19-Apr-18 12:45:14
I do n’t understand the hostility to men who give up fighting for contact, as it absolves the parent who is denying contact from responsibility. Also the tension over disputed contact may cause the children more harm than good.

This!!!!

You don’t understand the hostility towards men who give up on their children and then happily go and start a new family without even a second thought for their eldest? Seriously?

The shockingly low standards that society set for fathers honestly makes me despair.

I don’t understand how she took “millions”, which you’re calling half, and yet he would have to “live in a bedsit” in order to maintain contact. Where are the “millions” he had left? Also, I can’t see how if he had millions at his disposal, why he couldn’t have taken up a decent solicitor? There would have to have been grounds for giving only supervised contact 4hrs a month, they would have followed up and kind of accusations, they don’t just take the woman’s word for it. Also, 4hrs is better than nothing. After my ex and I split up, I still saw HIS daughter about 4+ he’s a month, even though dealing with him was shit. We’re still close now she’s an adult, because she knows I was always there for her

From your other post OP, you confirm that your OH is not interested in them .... I would suggest that's why he doesn't see them.

He can't be arsed....shit father

She was an SAHM. The labour she provided caring for the children and family home enabled him to build his career, to the detriment of hers. The money she received belongs to her and the children they had together.

I've heard plenty of stories on here on fathers who can't be arsed with their kids and then tell anyone who will listen about the evil ex who is to blame.

Sounds like he has a golden child/less favoured child dynamic going on there on top of that. Hope all of the kids find their way to the stately homes thread in the future.