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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Spin off from thread about favourite child-DH prefers ours over his sons

106 replies

Vanessatiger · 19/04/2018 06:49

It’s a complicated story but his sons were literally taken away from him at young age - first wife filed for divorce, took more than half of his fortune (she was sahm), remarried and decided that DH was no longer a suitable dad, told sons to call stepdad “daddy” and told DH that he’s only their biological dad and nothing else as they now have a new daddy. 2 years later DH remarried (to me), ex wife got jealous her boys spent time with me, she limited contact to the point of no contact. Moved the boys far away.

Fast forward a few years, court battles, low contact, DH got a new job abroad, decided on new start. We moved away since we didn’t get to see the boys anyway.
Now we have 2 DCs of our own. DH clearly favours ours as he feels more connected to ours. In his will, our children will get a bigger share because when the ex left she took more than half of the family fortune, so they’ll not do badly anyway.

See how damaging it is to limit contact with the father. It’s not DH’s fault he feels this way. But I do feel bad for the boys. They are now late teens.

OP posts:

DaisysStew · 19/04/2018 07:15

No one said that he should give all his money to his ex Leaving his eldest two children less money in his will than he leave the children he shares with you is petty and spiteful as I’ve already said. No justification for it at all.

The only “damaging” factor I see is a man who can’t separate his feelings for his ex from his children and a goady new wife who encourages such bad behaviour.

rollingonariver · 19/04/2018 07:15

I forgot MN thinks a father should loose all their sleep and happiness to fight for their right to see their children.

Yes!! Because a mother would! If my Fiancé took our baby I would fight for her forever. There's nothing he could do that would mean I would give up and move to another country? How would you feel if it was your children he wasn't fighting For, you know the ones he loves 'more' ffs.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 19/04/2018 07:16

I exit this thread as people just made their own assumptions about what he pays or not and why.

Good bye

OP posts:

Booboobooboo84 · 19/04/2018 07:16

Your the one who mentioned giving all his money and living in a bedsit. So change of tune there. Again. So what are you trying to prove with this thread then?

MoistCantaloupe · 19/04/2018 07:17

She wants more millions...

You do sound bitter about her being a sahm and getting half of the assets. That is literally how marriage works. He shouldn’t have got married if he didn’t like the agreement. You can’t use that against her, it sounds ridiculous.

DaisysStew · 19/04/2018 07:17

“I exit this thread”... who talks like that? You certainly have a flair for the dramatics.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 19/04/2018 07:17

Actually if I took the children away and did all those nasty things I wouldn’t expect him to fight for so long (5yrs)..

OP posts:

DaisysStew · 19/04/2018 07:19

If you split up and he took the children and denied access would you just give up? Or is ir just fathers that you expect so little of?

saoirse31 · 19/04/2018 07:20

Well if you And your dh seperate at any stage I guess you know he won't be killing himself to keep in contact with his kids.

Leaving your kids more than exes kids? That'll certainly show them what he thinks of them.

Resultreturn · 19/04/2018 07:21

Ex said he’s no longer needed and boys happier without us. So why not take her words for it, don’t mothers know best?(if we echo mumnetters). So why is the onus in the father to see them.

Why is the onus on the father to see them......if you need that explaining then that's a huge indication of why he's not a good father!

swingofthings · 19/04/2018 07:24

Actually if I took the children away and did all those nasty things I wouldn’t expect him to fight for so long (5yrs)
So if your OH took your children away, wouldn't you fight for them until you couldn't breath any longer? Why do you think it's ok for fathers to give up at all?

He wasn't the first one finding himself in this situation. You said it went to court, what happened? Courts will always support fathers to have access unless there are reasons why it doesn't benefit the children. Yes, it's horrendous and costly, yes it can end up being an ongoing battle, but it's been known for mothers to end up in jail for breaking court orders, or for the care of children to be moved to the dad.

You can sugar coated as you want, your OH really didn't battle as much as he could, and you can blame the mother as much as you like, but he still gave up and decided to move to make it even less possible to do anything. You might respect him, it's your choice, but don't expect others to do to. I wouldn't respect my OH if that's the decision he'd made.

Petalflowers · 19/04/2018 07:27

I'm not surprised that dh has got a stronger bond with your children, as he was allowed to be a dad to them. It sounds like he was prevented from any regular contact with first DC ('biological dad only). Maybe he should have done more, but that's sometimes easier said then done.

It's good you recognise there is a problem and is trying to address it.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 19/04/2018 07:28

If your h was a good Dad then he'd realise that the boys are victims and shouldn't be punished for their mother's actions. How do you think they'll feel that he gave up and accepted 4 hours a month supervised? As a wealthy guy, he can afford legal fees. How do you think his boys will feel about being second best to your kids in his will?

You keep on mentioning that she took his fortune. Under UK Law, 50% is the starting point for negotiation and they both decided she would be SAHM so gets more. Yyou make it sound like she did something underhand to get the money. Get over it- she didn't. Has your h considered that if she dies first, her money may go to her husband then the boys get nothing?

Zampa · 19/04/2018 07:32

decided that DH was no longer a suitable dad, told sons to call stepdad “daddy” and told DH that he’s only their biological dad and nothing else as they now have a new daddy. 2 years later DH remarried (to me), ex wife got jealous her boys spent time with me, she limited contact to the point of no contact

This exact thing happened to DH (apart from the money thing, he's poor!). However, he took his ex to court in relation to contact and was awarded more than he had initially asked for. It didn't cost a fortune as he self-represented but it was still a few thousand.

I have sympathy for those parents who don't fight for contact due to lack of knowledge to self-represent or lack of funds to appoint lawyers. Doesn't sound like the case here though.

MissTeri · 19/04/2018 07:35

OP I'm assuming that if your H took your children away then you'd just shrug it off and move on? You'd discard them just as easily?

I'm not condoning his ex partners behaviour her, not at all but if someone took my child from me I would fight and fight until there was no breath left in my body. If I didn't have the money to fight I would beg, borrow and steal. I would do ANYTHING, and I mean anything, to get my child back. Would I live in a grotty bedsit? fuck yes. Give someone every penny I have? Absolutely - what the fuck is money when it comes to my child?

Byebyebye · 19/04/2018 07:45

If your version of events is true then yes what his ex did was wrong however your husband sealed the deal by leaving when his kids where old enough to make their own decisions.

And for the preference thing all it shows is your husband can only keep love and affection for children that are readily available for him - which is not a good trait for a ‘father’.

snewname · 19/04/2018 07:56

Actually on the face of it yanbu. 5 years of court battles. He still sees them as much as he was allowed to before you moved away.
His dc will inherit from their mum and some of that money will be from the house and money that came from the original marriage. So it seems fair that younger dc will get a later share in the will.

Trouble is will his older dc understand this? There could be potential fur much hurt. There are too many variables to influence whether this is a good idea or not. What is the relationship like now with his older sons? Would they understand the logic about the will? How well do they get on with the younger dc? How much have they been poisoned by their dm? Very complex situation.

Depending on the relationship I think that if your dp is very careful to explain the reasoning for it in the will or beforehand, and dp makes sure they feel he loves them as much despite the past, then it could work but tbh I think there is a lot of potential for serious hurt and resentment.

upwardSpiral · 19/04/2018 07:57

I would fight and fight until there was no breath left in my body.

Would you, even when it is no longer in your children's best interests? That's selfish.

turtletime · 19/04/2018 07:59

My dad would never have left me, regardless of how difficult my mother made it..

swingofthings · 19/04/2018 08:00

How can a parent fighting for contact with their children not be in their best interests? Even if it doesn't result in contact, surely as a child, knowing that your other parent fought hard for you can only make you feel that at least your were loved and wanted by your other parent?

niceupthedance · 19/04/2018 08:02

I would have thought you would need evidence, reports etc to get supervised contact because of DV - please correct me if that's not the case.

upwardSpiral · 19/04/2018 08:03

You fight with the wanted outcome being a 'win', not simply for the fight.

Is it a win to take children who basically don't know you away from their mother and 'new Daddy'?

How about if you 'win' after a decade? Is it the best for the children?

MarthasGinYard · 19/04/2018 08:09

Titles Odd

What is your AIBU?

'DH prefers ours'

They aren't a pair of shoes. They are his dc.

They will always be his dc.

You sound quite bitter.

MissTeri · 19/04/2018 09:07

Would you, even when it is no longer in your children's best interests? That's selfish. - Unless a person is violent, toxic or otherwise damaging to a child then how can it ever be in their best interests not to see their parent?! So yes, unless I was any of those things I would never just walk away - even if I kept losing at least my child would know I did absolutely everything in my power to maintain contact.

upwardSpiral · 19/04/2018 09:33

MissTeri

Because after a certain amount of time, you stop being a parent and become a stranger.

The extreme case is adoption. To my mind, the parents are the people who raise you, often little to do with biology.

" if I kept losing at least my child would know I did absolutely everything in my power to maintain contact."

How does that benefit them when they have loving parents?

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