To not cut my daughters hair???(177 Posts)
My daughter is 9 and has very long, thick, naturally wavy blonde hair - past her waist. It is absolutely beautiful (when brushed) and she has lots of comments but because of the texture, it naturally gets incredibly knotty. On holiday last year, it was a nightmare - not sure whether it was the sea-water pool, but it would take me 30 mins to get through it. However, at home, it's not THAT bad - lots of conditioner etc, and by plaiting it each night makes it absolutely fine to deal with.
My issue is that her father and wife are constantly on at her, saying that it's dreadful and needs to be cut to her shoulders which makes her feel rubbish and puts her in a difficult situation. I've told her that if she wants her hair long, now is the time - if you can't grow your hair long at her age, then you'll never do it. I make sure the ends are cut, and that it's in good condition, put up etc for school.
Two things: (a) she is going on holiday with her father in the Summer and he's told me to get it cut before - is this being unreasonable? I was going to have a few inches off it, and maybe layer it
and (b) anyone else have hair like this, and if so, what products do you use?
What does she want to do? Sounds like she's caught in the middle between both of you.
What does your Dd think about her hair ? I would ask her if she likes it so long, my dd has hair like this it was a total nightmare to manage I certainly wouldn't have itwaist length personally I would take your dd to get it thinned out before her holiday will save any grief.
I think getting it layered a bit is a good idea.
I can see why her dad is reluctant to deal with it tbh but she's old enough to have a say in how she looks.
Could you work with her so any help she needs is minimal? If she can deal with the knots then helping with plaiting isn't such a chore. Bottle of leave in conditioner?
I've always had long hair. My hair was around my bum at your DDs age. I got it cut to my shoulders when I was 15 and it was the worst thing I ever did! Took so long to grow back, I keep it around waist length now in my late 20s. Leave in conditioner with coconut oil is my favourite thing for my hair.
Does you DD like her hair long? It's really up to her at that age I guess. Can you start teaching her how to manage it herself. Even just getting the knots out and maybe pulling back into a basic ponytail.
I think by nine she ought to be able to deal with her hair by herself. If she cannot at that length then it's going to have to be chopped.
so I do think YABU
If she can’t manage the hair and doesn’t want it, it should go. It’s HER hair. You’ve said what you want, and what your EXH wants. What does she want?
I had long hair as a child and would get it cut to my shoulders often.. and regretted it!!
DD is 4 and there are times she's said she wants to cut it, but I always talk her out of it. It's down to her waist when wet and is a pain to brush.
But I'm more than happy to sit there with my Johnson's leave in conditioner detangler spray. I also shampoo and condition it with Tresemme.
I either plait or French braid it after it's been washed.
If she wants it long then keep it long! Cutting my hair was the worst thing I ever did and I still can’t get it to grow past armpit length!
I'd persuade her to have it shorter, tbh, though not up to her shoulders (unless thats what she wants). Maybe half way. As for layers, I'm not sure about them. It might make it more difficult to manage, eg a plait may not look as neat because some of the ends won't lay flat. Also layers can take an awful long time to grow out if she doesn't like them.
Can she manage it herself? That would probably be the deciding factor for me. It's not completely unreasonable of her Dad's wife (who'll probably be stuck with it) to not want to spend literally hours per day on managing a child's hair.
How does your dd feel about it? Maybe you're more attached to it than she is?
I understand that you take great pride in her hair, but even you admit that it takes a huge amount of looking after....and much more on holiday.
Do you think, if she’s not particularly bothered about it, that it’s fair to impose that regime on her dad? Different if she’s determined to keep it and desperately wants her long hair, but it doesnt come across that way in your op.
If you don’t want to get it cut, you’ve got between now and the holiday to teach your daughter how to look after it, brush it, get the conditioner through it herself, so that her dad isn’t spending his whole time away with her sorting out her hair.
At 9 its her choice how she wants her hair and that should be completely uninfluenced by you or her dad,
My DD whose 10 has very similar hair although I would say it is definately more curly than wavy , wide toothed combs, good hair dryer with large diffuser and hair masks/oils are our saviours and also french braiding it for school will stop it getting so knotty in the day.
My daughter has hair like this and I use adult products on it, so conditioner for thick / unmanageable hair. I would also second taking her to a hairdresser to get it properly thinned, as close to the holiday as possible. We do this every three or four months and for about two weeks after, her hair is a dream to brush (usually takes at least 20 mins to get all the knots out). I don't think cutting it to shoulder-length actually helps this kind of hair as it makes it curlier and knottier. My DD's dad also hates dealing with "the hair" when she goes to stay with him but fortunately his girlfriend is quite good about it.
Have you tried tangle teezers? My hair gets very knotty easily, and they honestly are the only brushes that don’t make me want to cry when I’m brushing my hair.
When she’s on holiday, it might be worth getting her some of those montagne jeunesse hair masks she can use every couple of days. They’re 99p and my hair is completely smooth after. I don’t always keep them on for the full 15 mins or whatever either.
Or she can use an oil on her ends daily, if she’s going into the sea it should just wash it out so she won’t have wash it too hard.
Ditto with my daughter. Cut it to below bra strap length and it won't be so bad on holiday. Tight pig tails for the pool everyday and LOTS of conditioner. It will be long again by Christmas. good luck.
My eldest has hair like this. She didn't get the length cut but did have it thinned out and it has made the world of difference
....and lots of loreal elvive extraordinary oil. No layers!
Talk to her. She's the one whose views matter. (And the PP who says she 'talks her daughter out of' getting a hair cut: have a think about why you are doing this to your child. She is not a possession to display. If her hair requires a lot of combing etc, you are causing her pain because of your own silly viewpoint.)
I have a teenage DS who likes to keep his hair long, and it's a PITA to look after but it's his hair, so his choice.
Aussie spray leave in conditioner, tangle tease and Moroccan oil. The holy trinity of knotty hair care!
the braids seem a good idea maybe suggest it to him. He wont have to deal with her hair once seems a great plan especially if it gets difficult in a different climate.
I would compromise and have it cut a bit, maybe to just below her shoulders. Or you may find her Dad and Step-Mum do it for you and then it'll be much shorter.
At nine it's her choice how she wants her hair and that should be completely uninfluenced by you or her dad
That really depends on who has to look after it. If she can look after it herself, then fine. I'm afraid there is no way I would be spending that amount of time, or buying expensive products, on a child's bum length hair.
I have 3 daughters, I keep their hair short until they tell me they want to grow it, which has been around 6 or so. My youngest is currently growing out her short bob. I have no issue with them deciding what they want to do with but they have to be able to manage as best they can. Both washing and brushing it. I help of course but part of their choice in having their hair how they want it is to be responsible for it's upkeep. My 10 year old has just decided she can't be bothered with her long hair and is getting it cut in a few weeks.
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