More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

[titchy]

Yes of course you should - are you a total mug? Take the kids on a once in a lifetime holiday with it.

[sdaisy26]

Yes definitely take it. It's yours. You could always put it away for the children at a later date - house deposits etc?

[Cath2907]

Pursue it and give the money to the kids. Not grabby!

[Shantotto]

Oh god take the fucking money! Take it!

[PotteringAlong]

Take it and give it to the kids. No question.

[ThePants999]

Pursue it. If you feel bad about using it for yourself, give it to the DC as a helping hand getting started with housing etc after uni.

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

Even though the kids are away now, and I have the same expenses as him, as far as they are concerned?

[WeAllHaveWings]

definitely take, you are not being grabby it is legally and morally yours.

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

You're all saying what my DH says...ExH has got one over on me SO many times, he thinks I'm mad if I let this slide....

[MigGril]

He's been holding out and not giving his children what they are due. I pursue It, either use the money to help support them at uni or save it for them when they finish so they have something to get started with. Which ever makes more sense for you now.

[AGoodCupOfTea]

It was always yours rightfully anyway. Of course you should take it.

[Hassled]

Take it, and if you don't actually need it then invest it for the kids - put it in an ISA or something. Or pay off some of your mortgage - or just have a holiday. He effectively cheated his own children out of the better lifestyle he could have afforded - I can't get my head around the mindset of someone who would do that - so take whatever money the CSA can get for you.

[SlackerMum1]

Absolutely - take the money and use it to help your kids if you want. Yes they are at uni but I'm sure they will appreciate some extra help towards getting them set up when they graduate.

[SabineUndine]

Yes definitely. The kids will want to buy their own homes, for example. The money can go towards that. Don't let him get away with this.

[AdalindSchade]

Yes! Because you worked and budgeted and paid for the lion's share of everything while they were children and he bloody owes it to you! Think of it as him repaying the money you lent him every month by covering his share of the child raising costs!

[Ninjakittysmells]

Absolutely pursue the money - spend it on the kids, an amazing holiday or lump sums to buy a car or something, but it is there money, not his!

[monkeyfacegrace]

Say bloody what?! I'd take it, and I'd have blown a grand on hair/nails/clothes before I sat down.

It's yours. Take it.

[stella23]

Yes massive twat. Take the money, it's yours. If you don't want to send it save for the children as a deposit for a home

[EssentialHummus]

What tgey ^ all said!

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

ExH hated that he ever had to pay Child support and would constantly tell me that he was "funding my lifestyle". Weird, as I never go anywhere. He just could not bear to give me money, I think.

[YouTheCat]

Take the money. Use it to take the load off topping up your kids.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Take it and put it away for a rainy day or anything really. Take the money!!

[Toffeelatteplease]

My guess is that you expect your ex will just stop giving the kids what they are currently giving? In which case do the monthly arrears cover the difference?

Otherwise of course you take the money, if only because shits shouldn't get away with being shits. Besides which I don't thing the csa can be stopped once they've started.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

The money is rightfully yours otherwise they wouldn't be advising you take it. He has lied and deceived and kept money from your children. That's despicable. Of course you should take it. Put it in savings for them if you want or something else that will ultimately be for them if you want, but yes, you'd be an idiot not to.

[DaisysStew]

You've been covering his part of the children's expenses while he was busy hiding his money. It's reimbursement, and letting him off is like rewarding him for being a little sneak.