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The never-ending visitors for a Newborn

(108 Posts)
ColdFeetWarmHeart Sun 24-Sep-17 19:42:15

Is it just me or is there a lot of people who think they have some right to see a squishy newborn??

My friends have sent messages saying congratulations, let us know when I'm up for visitors / meeting up etc. Lovely. But family, especially family that you don't see much of normally, expect to come round and see you when the baby is a couple of days old. There is never any question of "is mum ready for it?" Or is it convenient?? No of course not!!

Wibu to book a last minute break in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, away with DH, and DD1 & 2 for a month and not tell anyone where we are??

Changerofname987654321 Sun 24-Sep-17 19:44:12

Just say it is not convenient. If they turn up at the door get DH to send them away or say I would be lovely to see you but it is feeding/nap time so it will have to be another time.

FuzzyOwl Sun 24-Sep-17 19:44:51

Of course YANBU. If I were you, I would wait several days before even telling anyone your baby has been born and then don't answer the door to any callers outside of a prearranged time or agree for all visitors to come on a certain day at a certain time and get it over with.

Lislou123 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:01:49

If i were you I’d set my text messages to an automatic reply saying something like “thank you for your message but we are currently enjoying our new addition please be patient and we’ll get back to you ASAP “ it might give people the hint to leave you alone and that way you don’t have to worry about what excuse you can give them all 😀

NicolasFlamel Sun 24-Sep-17 20:06:49

Just say no... you don't even need to be rude. We didn't have any visitors besides grandparents for two weeks. I was a wreck with my mental health and I wasn't up to it. Just tell them it's not convenient and don't answer the door. If they get arsey, it's on them.Don't stress about it.

TwitterQueen1 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:09:41

Maybe it's because a squishy newborn is about the best thing anyone could ever wish to see.... a new baby is life-affirming, sweet, gorgeous, hopeful, and so much more besides. It makes people feel so much better about life in general.

That said, all you have to do is say "No, it's not convenient."

SheepyFun Sun 24-Sep-17 20:14:48

A colleague of mine lived in a house with an internal door a couple of feet behind the front door. When his wife wasn't up to visitors (new baby, illness etc.) he would shut the internal door before opening the front door so the unwelcome (and unplanned) visitors couldn't get in. And he's not someone I'd argue with. You might not be fortunate enough to have the double door arrangement, but this is the time for your DH to be assertive - get him to answer your phone (if you don't want to talk to the caller) and be firm, however unpleasant it is.

I'm guessing that the cottage is 'I wish' rather than 'we will' but midwives/health visitors would get pretty concerned if you suddenly disappeared!

UnbornMortificado Sun 24-Sep-17 20:18:29

I just refused to open the front door, then some bastard knocked on the door and woke the baby and me up angry

I now have a sign saying go away.

Floofd Sun 24-Sep-17 20:20:12

YANBU.

When I came home after a week in hospital when DS was born, two people from my town (not even neighbours or close friends) walked in less than half an hour after I'd arrived home.

They must have been watching for our car pulling up.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 20:22:30

Start a rumour that you are hoping for a food parcel not a gift.
The ones who can't cook will stay away. .
And from the ones who can you will end up not having to worry about meals for a good while!!

ColdFeetWarmHeart Sun 24-Sep-17 20:24:24

I like your idea lislou - I need to change my status on facebook to "currently unavailable" etc

Grandparents only for 2 weeks is more than enough. We've had them every day so far (DD2 is 3 days old). To be fair my folks have tried to help out with chores etc but to be honest, at this moment in time I don't give a shit about the washing etc as long as DD1 has her uniform. Lawn can be mowed next week/month/year.
I just want to have cuddles with both of my girls. I want my DH to have the chance to look after me and bond with his new daughter instead of making endless cups of tea. He finally managed to have a decent cuddle with her about an hour ago. I think it's the first one he's been able to have with her that wasn't in the middle of the night when I needed to pee or something.

Slarti Sun 24-Sep-17 20:25:44

I bet they have the audacity to bring you gifts as well. Complete bastards eh?

ColdFeetWarmHeart Sun 24-Sep-17 20:28:34

Cottage is definitely a wish. DD1 at school and DH back to work Wednesday :-(

Family members aren't even contacting me, they are going via my mother!!

Whatsername17 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:29:00

People are entirled. Mil told me she 'had to see dd2 on the day she was born'. Apparent this was because she'd seen the other 3 on the day they were born. I said it would depend on what time she arrived. She said that didn't matter because she 'had' to see her. Dd2 arrived at 4.30pm. We said no visitors except for dd1. Mil met her the next day. She survived. grin with my second, I learned to just do things my own way and ignored any hissy fits or complaints. It led to a much nicer first few weeks. My biggest regret is not realising I could say no with dd1.

megletthesecond Sun 24-Sep-17 20:34:18

Yanbu. Tell them it's not convenient and put a note on the door. It was so hard trying to rest, learn to bf and recover with a trail of visitors after dc1.

Whatsername17 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:36:53

We invited out immediate family to meet dd2 the day I got home from hospital, then told them we didn't want any visits until the following weekend (dd2 was born on a Friday, they met her on the saturday). It was bliss just having dh, dd1 and 2 around. Dh did the school run and returned home every day with cheese baguettes for lunch. No visitors meant bfing was established so easily, unlike with dd1 when everyone holding her and being there constantly meant I was pushed out. I ended up with lactation failure. A combination of my shitty body (I failed up to labour too and had interventions), dd1 being so sleepy for 48 hours and me not realising I needed to wake her to feed and endless visits and people telling me what I needed to do. Which was mostly make tea whilst they held my daughter. Second time, I responded to ' you have to let aunt whatever come this week to meet the baby' with 'I'll invite people when I am ready.

YouCantArgueWithStupid Sun 24-Sep-17 20:44:24

We had this DD1, I'm pregnant with DC2 & have planted the seed that maybe we'll just have DPs and siblings for a week. We had all of sundry over and some of them had the right pigging hump that I'd sit and breastfeed in my own front room on my own sofa I'm talking about you in particular FIL angry

Parker231 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:48:25

Don't answer the phone or front door until you are ready for visitors. Respond to text messages with - thank you for your best wishes. We're all well but we're not having visitors at present. We will let you know when DD is ready for her cuddles with you.

JWrecks Sun 24-Sep-17 20:52:02

I will never understand that! I thought everyone on earth understood how difficult and painful childbirth is, how hard newborns can be, how it's a time of upheaval and adjustment...

Why would anybody go invade the home of a new mum without an explicit invitation or request for help? I don't know... I was raised to be extremely paranoid about ever inconveniencing anyone, but I thought CHILDBIRTH and a brand new baby were things universally understood to be difficult, do not disturb times.

YANBU at all! If anybody asks you if they can come by, tell them you're still HEALING and exhausted right now, you and baby are adjusting, and if they can wait a couple weeks time, it will be a more pleasant visit for everyone.

TwitterQueen1 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:52:40

I know I'm in a minority of 1 here, but I do struggle with all this anti-visitor stuff.

I've had 3 lovely DCs and I was so glad when people called in. Each baby was a celebration, a gift, a treasure, and I wanted to share the joy with everyone. Yes, OK, I get the BF, inconvenience etc, but IME, people only want to stay a short while and share the joy.

Why all the dread, the disgruntled martyrdom? Can't you just be glad someone wants to celebrate with you? All this metering out of time "no visitors for 2 weeks...." so sad.

coldcuptea Sun 24-Sep-17 20:53:29

I don't know how people tolerate visitors with newborns . I just ignore all calls and texts for a good two months .

mindutopia Sun 24-Sep-17 20:55:36

Just say no. Our friends knew better than to even ask early on, but we told family that we wanted no visitors at all for at least the first week. After that, we'd be in touch to let them know when was a good time. You just have to be assertive. Our first visitors were my husband's mum and grandfather at 10 days. I think our next visitor was a good friend sometime around maybe 3 weeks. My mum (who lives overseas, her flight was pre-booked so nothing to do with the timing of the birth) came at 6 weeks. Other friends started to trickle in around 8 weeks. When it doubt, once you've said, we're not ready yet for visitors, just ignore their calls and texts. They'll soon lose interest or get the idea. But yes, it's rude of people. It makes the birth about them instead of being about you and your family and your needs, which is selfish.

Sparklingbrook Sun 24-Sep-17 20:58:45

I just don't see the rush. unless you are very close relatives that might be lending support etc.

I just wait for an invitation, no need to rush round the minute they get back from the hospital.

I personally wanted a bit of peace and quiet to start with. Quietly celebrating with DH.

NicolasFlamel Sun 24-Sep-17 20:59:54

TwitterQueen I'd have loved it to be a celebration. As it was, with my first I ended up with the crisis team sitting with me holding my newborn and trying to keep me together while I cried and felt like I didn't really want to be around anymore.
Frankly visitors and their wants/needs were the very last concern I had for a couple of weeks. Perhaps I was just being selfish or odd though.. smile

fizzandchips Sun 24-Sep-17 21:00:26

We had an open house from 2-4pm on a Satuarday afternoon.
Told everyone who asked if they could visit they were welcome to pop in for a coffee on that specific day. If it wasn't convenient or if they mentioned they'd had a cold/sore throat we told them we would look forward to seeing them in the near future. Both Grans made lots of cups of tea and kicked everyone out at 4pm. It was exhausting, but such a success we did it a month later too for all the other random people who we hadn't seen for years.

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