The never-ending visitors for a Newborn

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

Is it just me or is there a lot of people who think they have some right to see a squishy newborn??

My friends have sent messages saying congratulations, let us know when I'm up for visitors / meeting up etc. Lovely. But family, especially family that you don't see much of normally, expect to come round and see you when the baby is a couple of days old. There is never any question of "is mum ready for it?" Or is it convenient?? No of course not!!

Wibu to book a last minute break in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, away with DH, and DD1 & 2 for a month and not tell anyone where we are??

My close friends would be offended if we didn't visit while they were in hospital, if we were in the country. (However they would stay in hospital for 3-5 days typically so it is also easier to have a visit in hospital within the visiting rules than to host one at home) if you miss hospital it can take a few weeks to organise something that suits them. If anyone got or sent a message saying they needed more time I can't imagine not respecting that.

Please don't send an officious out of office message to your friends and family telling them you're not available it would be considerably politer to ignore them completely if you're not up to sending an actual response.

of course grnadparents want to see baby, but everyday, fecking hell...

We had visitors the day after I got home from hospital who stayed 7 hours with their very cranky 4 month old
This time will be different!!

I do struggle with all this anti-visitor stuff.

I've had 3 lovely DCs and I was so glad when people called in. Each baby was a celebration, a gift, a treasure, and I wanted to share the joy with everyone. Yes, OK, I get the BF, inconvenience etc, but IME, people only want to stay a short while and share the joy.

Why all the dread, the disgruntled martyrdom? Can't you just be glad someone wants to celebrate with you? All this metering out of time "no visitors for 2 weeks...." so sad

I agree with this and similar posts.

I was thrilled that people cared enough about me (and DH) and my babies to even want to visit. It would've been very depressing had no one wanted to bother.

You'd have something to say if your friend wasn't taking an interest In your baby. You can't have it both ways

My sister adopted this 'no visitors for six weeks' approach, and it backfired massively.

She ended up collapsing at home from post birth complications 10 days after coming home from hospital and being rushed back to hospital by ambulance. She was separated from her DC1 for a week, so so much for "bonding time."

Looking back at photos and videos of that time, it was screamingly obvious she was unwell - something that would've been picked up by any visitor had she and her DH allowed them, and would've definitely prevented things getting to crisis point - something pointed out by the medical staff. I thought she looked a bit "off" (and not in a 'just had a baby' way) when I saw her in the hospital the day after giving birth. Had I been allowed to see her at home a few days later still looking like that, I'd have taken her to the doctor immediately.

Thankfully by DC2 she/they had stopped being so uptight and allowed visitors from day one at home.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I've already decided only grandparents at the hospital and I want to have a few days or maybe a week at home to start getting used to life with a new born before I invite anyone over. I understand I'm bringing a new addition to the family but surely me healing and bonding with baby is more important than OHs aunties coming over who will probably visit once then we'll never see them again for around a year. I want to make sure I'm comfortable with having visitors before they come. It's your choice completely! Not sure why people are saying it's selfish.

I walked in with my first child, who wasn't feeding, to be followed by the neighbours!
Actually I think my husband invited them. Didn't think to ask me.

I think people definitely get overexcited. When DS was born MIL came down and just announced "right, I'm going to come down again on Saturday and then again..." without even thinking to ask what was good for us. I had to put my foot down straight away so that she knew that we say when she could come around, she didn't just get to dictate!

Also, our NDN decided that her 3yo DD absolutely had to see the baby immediately the moment she realised we had come back from the hospital, and without asking simply plonked her onto our ground floor balcony (squashing and killing my beautiful petunias in the process! I'm still so bitter about that!!) and told her to come into our flat. We just looked around to see her suddenly standing in our living room. We don't even really know them that well.

Maybe those who were really pleased to have visitors didn't have birth injuries or lose 2litres of blood ? Or have s baby that had to be coaxed to feed ?

Everyone has different experiences

when people did come over I'd apologise for the mess and I'd be told to stop being daft as if I'd be running the hoover up and down after just having a baby lol

YY I do think a lot hinges on how you feel. If you are battered, bruised and trying to establish breastfeeding having had no sleep visitors are the last thing you want.
I hated being in hospital and discharged myself for some peace and quiet at home not to a houseful of visitors.

Nope you're not BU at all. I haven't seen a family member for two years because she took great offence because we didn't want visitors the day my son and I came out of hospital. Some people can only see their feeling getting hurt over not seeing the new baby and not the bigger picture of a new family trying to find their feet. You see people when you are all ready. Xxx

If DH is pulling his weight in any way he will be blocking this sort of unwelcome/unready demand on your behalf and taking whatever stick comes with it - you should not have to worry about the social graces of declining a request at this time when so much of the rest of the burden falls on you.

We had a party for DC's on Friday night, and asked visitors if they could come then for a first viewing.

Obviously there could be other factors at play but I liked having people round - gave me a chance to have a shower, potter round, etc while they held the baby. Outside Europe babies are treated more as communal property, which has its pluses and minuses, of course, but I suspect fewer new mums feel isolated.

I did have birth injuries, trauma and a baby that struggled to feed - but I did not give a crap who came to see me and the baby,

they generally brought chocolate, a casserole, a present and rolled their sleeves up and did stuff so I could feed or eat or sleep.

Set the groundrules,

"can you come and HELP when you come to see the baby, I'm feeling a bit broken" - was all I had to say, and the family on both sides rallied, I am eternally grateful.

beyondthepage bully for you having great relatives ! I'll repeat myself not everyone has the same experience! My relatives want to hold the baby nothing more and to be honest friends too.

People need to accept that it depends on your family, not everyone has a great support system.

At two weeks postpartum I still looked horrendous and ds was not feeding enough, did anyone make a cup of tea ? Did they fuck they didn't notice.

I won't be having visitors straight away, I get 2 weeks of DP being home and would like for us to spend it without streams of unwelcome visitors. I'd prefer them to come when I'm on my own and don't have DP t help out.

I don't have great relatives by default - but because I have high expectations and ask for a lot.

Mine wouldn't notice if I needed a cuppa, but I'd ask for one,

If people don't notice you need something tell them - repeatedly if they don't get the message.

I find others - like my sister - just sit there seething when my mum "descends" (her word) for instance, whereas I just get her to help out. Same family, different expectations.

I was in hospital for a week after DD was born then had mastitis when I finally got home I was feeling up to anything but thinking back now if someone had just come round and made me some food that would have been great but the people wanting to visit were people who didn't usually come round so didn't feel like I could have said make me a cuppa so I just cancelled

Some people don't even have families that care for them. I think you're being ungrateful tbh. I bet you're accepting their gifts!!
And damn those people trying to help you out by mowing your lawn... 😳

I'm sorry but if I turned visitors away. and told them to come back another time. I'd expect and wouldn't blame them if they said "Well fuck you, then"

I don't think OP is being ungrateful or churlish to want some time to herself and time with just immediate family.

Yes it's lovely if family/friends come and help with chores or cooking or bring food, but that was not my experience. I was expected to have guests every single day for weeks, who brought other people (most of whom I'd never met) over without asking and expected to be waited on hand and foot. They just wanted to hold the baby, which was fine, but they kept prodding and poking her because they wanted 'to see her eyes' and complained that she was always asleep. I still have to deal with multiple weekly visits and people just 'popping in' without arranging it.

Women are treated like public property once they are visibly pregnant and other people's entitled attitudes continue once the baby is born. The new mother and baby's needs should be the priority and if the mother doesn't want groups of visitors every bloody day she isn't being a bitch.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 25-Sep-17 11:40:37

I'm sorry but if I turned visitors away. and told them to come back another time. I'd expect and wouldn't blame them if they said "Well fuck you, then"

I wouldn't want visitors like this. Who make it all about them and what they want without any thought given to whether it's convenient for the mum.

Always best to call in advance and see if it's convenient, and if not, arrange another time. The mum might be trying to feed with her boobs out, baby might not be sleeping great, etc, etc, and a visit at that time might cause problems. Visitors need to have some empathy.