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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being together but living apart is the future

121 replies

splendidisolation · 24/09/2017 15:46

Just read this Guardian article: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

" ‘We have never lived together. Is that so strange?’: the married couples who live apart

They’ve been married for 25 years, and raised twins – but have never lived in the same house. Is this the secret to long-term happiness?"

Any thoughts? Experiences?

OP posts:

makeourfuture · 24/09/2017 17:25

Birthrates and family sizes are falling. Less of an issue.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 24/09/2017 17:26

It's called having a relationship with someone in the forces

apetina · 24/09/2017 17:32

It could be expensive in terms of taxes if you're married, as you can only nominate one address as your main residence as a married couple (and you'd be charged capital gains on the sale of the other one). You'd also pay higher stamp duty for the second property. It would work out OK if you weren't legally married, but then there are tax disadvantages to that (inheritance, other capital gains). Otoh, if you were on a low income, not married and renting, you'd qualify for more top-ups. Often government systems don't make it easy to live outside the norm.

FinallyHere · 24/09/2017 18:03

While you only ever have one main residence, you can absolutely nominate which is to be the main residence, and can change this, if you so wish. If you needed to sell one, you would nominate the one to be sold as the main residence and move into the other other. Not so difficult, really, if you put your mind to it.

It may be 'outside the norm' but it's brilliant. How many people only have one house because they are lucky to afford even that.

TheHungryDonkey · 24/09/2017 18:23

I've been a single parent for six years. No way would I ever live with another man now. My Independence and routine is important. I would only be in a relationship if the other person didn't live me. Have you read about some of the useless men on this site? Not a chance I would ever risk living with one of those.

Elendon · 24/09/2017 18:29

I think living apart brings you together as a couple. It is totally doable.

Temporaryanonymity · 24/09/2017 18:32

I have a relationship like this. I have my own kids, he doesn't. We both like our own space but I would truly describe it as the perfect set up for me. We often joke about living together in a Nursing Home when we are old...

Temporaryanonymity · 24/09/2017 18:34

And to address the concerns below, I don't claim tax credits.

sunflowerblue · 24/09/2017 19:07

Actually, you'd struggle if you were on low benefits (unless you wanted to claim fraudulently) if you have children together.

Or rather, you would not be entitled to claim as a lone parent, whilst you were still in a relationship with the other parent.

Otherwise people would be moving into separate houses en masse when they struggled to make ends meet as a couple.

So if children are involved, it's quite an exclusive lifestyle really.

Butterymuffin · 24/09/2017 19:27

Hmm. I think it's quite telling that in the examples you hear about where the couple has children, they live with the woman. As in the Guardian story, where there was 'no question' they'd live with their dad (or even stay over, apparently) as he had a studio apartment. Hard not to see it as an arrangement where one extra benefit for the man is being allowed to opt out of much of the grind of childcare.

peachgreen · 24/09/2017 19:34

Wouldn’t work for me - I love living with DH and wouldn’t be willing to give up any time with him. I would have jumped at the chance with my ex though, living with him drove me bonkers.

peachgreen · 24/09/2017 19:35

To clarify: I enjoyed dating my ex a lot, we just really weren’t suited to living together!

Getout21 · 24/09/2017 19:40

I'm aiming for separate bedrooms & bathrooms!

gamerwidow · 24/09/2017 19:43

Don't Helena bonham carter and Tim burton have houses next door to each other so they can drop in on each

gamerwidow · 24/09/2017 19:44

Other when they want but maintain some space too.
I would like living with DH more if he wasn't such an untidy bastard. I can see the advantages of having your own space!

Sashkin · 24/09/2017 19:45

I noticed that the man in the article had ASD, and one of the children also had SN. It sounded more like he couldn't cope with the children and this was the only workable solution, rather than it being something I'd want to copy myself.

The article also mentioned that on one night when the partner stayed over for work reasons, one child tried to push him out of the door and the other had decorated the bedroom like a honeymoon suite to make him stay. I felt quite sorry for the kids in all of this, they sound really confused.

HerRoyalNotness · 24/09/2017 19:52

I'd love this. Having DH underfoot gets on my nerves. He has no hobbies or interests. no friends and is too loud. He's been working abroad the last 16mths, and it's a lot calmer and quieter in the house and we just get on with things. I don't think he is enjoying it so much. Sucks to be him.

whirlyswirly · 24/09/2017 20:23

That's what we do. I love it. We stay at his place in the city when the dcs are with their father, my place when they're with us. Best of both worlds.

We're also totally financially independent of each other and this also works for now.

At some point we intend combining things but probably when my dcs are a little older. We will still definitely need our own space wherever we end up though.

Doramaybe · 24/09/2017 20:36

I love my DP, we have been together 20 years now. No children on either side. I live in the city, he in the country an hour or so away. It's like going away for a weekend when we hook up or a date night when it's during the week. Best of both worlds.

We own our properties outright now.

I enjoy visiting the rural scene. But it would not work for me full time, and vice verse for DP in the city.

I don't see it as a problem but a totally fair way to live separately. It together iyswim.

Won't or cannot work for everyone, but it works for us.

Brittbugs80 · 24/09/2017 20:38

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim thingy did this. They had seperatly houses next door to each other.

They are divorced now.

I wouldn't. I love living with my DH. Plus the cost of running two houses must be expensive?

Does it mean though that families would be choosing to live apart and claiming help as single parents? How would that be monitored?

Brittbugs80 · 24/09/2017 20:39

Don't Helena bonham carter and Tim burton have houses next door to each other so they can drop in on each

They did. They are divorced now and not sure if one has moved.

Original poster

splendidisolation · 24/09/2017 20:40

Doramaybe you're basically living what we want! Your post really cheered me. We're going to start this exact set up soon 😊

OP posts:

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 24/09/2017 20:45

I really hope that this isn't the future for me! I quite enjoy the odd night DH is away, but odd one out though I may be on this thread, I really enjoy his company. And yes, I'm over 40, and we've been together 20+ years so it's not just novelty factor.

5rivers7hills · 24/09/2017 20:49

Plus the cost of running two houses must be expensive?

Ah romance, let's move in together to save a few £.

Branleuse · 24/09/2017 20:51

We do this. We're all on the spectrum, and its pretty much the only way that we can make a relationship work. I just dont think im very good at living with people. We've tried!
My dad and his partner do it too. Theyve been together 20 years and have never lived together

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