To think being together but living apart is the future

[splendidisolation]

Just read this Guardian article: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

" ‘We have never lived together. Is that so strange?’: the married couples who live apart

They’ve been married for 25 years, and raised twins – but have never lived in the same house. Is this the secret to long-term happiness?"

Any thoughts? Experiences?

I would personally hate to not live with my partner.

God no. I love living with my husband.

It's not the future. Some people live separately now, some live together. The choice is the past, present and future.

I dont think my question merited being called twattish though. It was one you answered quite extensively so clearly worth asking

Then let me apologise. I took your comment of how do you think single people afford it as though you meant it wouldn't be expensive because I'd be paying it on my own anyway so it wasn't relative.

Our lives are better living together than apart and I do think children make a huge difference and it opens it up for either parent to take on a more active role and the other to maybe become the less involved parent.

I get your frustration though, I moved from a big city to a small seaside town, hated it, moved back to big city, hated that after the quiet of the town and now live semi rural, DH has lived here all his life literally moved streets away from childhood home and I'm happy enough to be able to get into a city for a fix when I need it!

You haven't got children yet, I don't know if you plan to but what I am say is be 100% happy with your own decision before they arrive, whether that be you stay where you are and live together there, whether he would consider moving part way as a compromise or whether you even stay together.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and generally, fuck what everyone else thinks. If it works for you that's all that matters.

I would love this. I like time alone and literally never get it between kids and DH. DH has always snored but the last year it has got completely out of hand and everything we have tried doesn't help, can't move rooms because he would keep dd1 awake next door to her. I am constantly shattered and on top of existing medical conditions I'm not achieving what I need to day to day and feel guilty about it because I'm exhausted and miserable and frankly resentful. If we could afford it separate houses would be heaven

I find it strange to think you wouldn’t want to live with your long term DP but it seems I’m in the minority! I guess maybe my perspective is different because DH works two night shifts a week so I do have my ‘alone in the home’ time.

Since DS was 9 months (he's now almost 3), DH has lived in a house about 8 miles away during the week.

So I say goodbye to him early on Monday morning and don't see him again till Friday!

I still find it weird and hated it to start with but have largely got used to it

@Brittbugs80

Thank you for your advice Britt, I will definitely bear it in mind.

And your talk of moving around and changing your mind about setting made me smile, I have done the same 😊

My nana was like this.
She initially lived with my grandfather for 3 years they then seperated then got back together but remained living apart they spent another 35 years together (but living apart) until they retired when they bought a caravan together within the fortnight they bought a 2nd caravan (to be nearby) because they couldn't cope living together.

They were very much in love and great GPs
Unfortunately he has since passed away but I don't think there's anything wrong with living apart not sure it would be for me but nothing wrong with it either

I do think with the increase of people working overseas/online relationships/more female financial independence it will become more common in the next 20+ years.

It seems to be working for my parents. They have been divorced for over 30 years, and have had periods of getting back together over the years, but it never worked out.

They are together now and have been for the past couple of years, but have agreed not to live together.

It's not what I would want from a relationship though.

I fantasise about this.

Furniture and decor to my taste, his boxes of junk and broken appliances can live at his house, I can watch what I want on TV, choose the cutlery and crockery I like... bliss.

However I have an active DH and we cook, clean and 'keep house' together, therefore only doing 50% of the chores, so neither of us probably wants to switch to 100% of the chores. If I were stuck doing 100% of the chores there would literally be no downside.

@Priam what's the reason? 8 miles doesn't seem like it would make a massive difference to a commute. And children does change things. Why does this setup work for you - him not helping with the baby, him leaving all the childcare and associated housework to you?

i would absolutely love it if my husband had his own house! no more sport, no more xbox.... no more picking up his dirty clothes! i honestly think we would both be happier if he either worked away and I only saw him at weekends, or if he had his own place!!!! love him to bits but at times it is like having an unruly teenager!

@CobwebKitten DH lives in Zone 1 in central London so he walks to work whereas DS and I live in Zone 4 where we have a reasonably sized garden

DH has none of the physical responsibilities of parenting and keeping our house during the week but on the reverse, his income keeps our family afloat

I do find it knackering and lonely at times! Especially as I don't have family support (or only very occasionally when my mum is in the country...she lives in mainland Europe)

I wouldn't live with someone ever again, I don't think. I have a boyfriend. I will not be living with him, and that's no reflection on him. I just couldn't deal with having someone there ALL THE TIME.

OP, did you post about you and your DP before? Country vs city living and trying to find a way to make it work? If so, I'm glad you've found a compromise that works for you.

A point was made recently that the housing crisis in the UK is as much about the types of dwellings we are building (and that exist) as the number.

The classic family home (like the classic family) is changing.

@FuckingBUTTERbeans Thank you! I did and we did 😊 I was cheered by the Guardian article and also by the comments from posters here. If we ever want to have kids, we'll need to rethink but for the time being it's what suits

I can see the appeal of this set up in some ways, but I do quite like living with my DP (mostly!). I think I'd miss the companionship, cosy evenings on the sofa watching a series together, or just talking about our days.

Different ways of living suit different people, in different circumstances.

Still not seeing how its twattish to say that single people pay pay all the costs mentioned as being unaffordable for LATs. Exactly right. How is that twattish? The costs are the same - each person pays for their own mortgage and bills just as single people do. Not all couples share finances. Why would this be unaffordable for someone in a couple but not for a single person. Not trying to be twattish, just don't see the difference.

It works for me thus far.

I have 3 DC. My DP has none. He is houseproud and particular. I am a messy bugger.
He earns 4 times more than me.
He owns his own home and I rent.

I couldn't make him financially responsible for my children!
If we had the money for a big enough house we'd live together, but at the mo we live apart in our tiny houses.

In another world (20 years ago) we'd earn enough for a decent sized house, but we simply wouldn't fit into one here.