To think being together but living apart is the future

[splendidisolation]

Just read this Guardian article: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

" ‘We have never lived together. Is that so strange?’: the married couples who live apart

They’ve been married for 25 years, and raised twins – but have never lived in the same house. Is this the secret to long-term happiness?"

Any thoughts? Experiences?

Friends of mine have done this for 20 years and are still very happy. Both divorced, both had kids, didn't want the stress of combining the family so just left things as they were for convenience sake. Kids have grown up and left home but they still prefer to have their separate spaces. I am not sure I would like to do with my DH but if we divorced, I don't think I would want another man living in the house! Different things work for different people, we are rapidly changing our ideas of what a family should be, so why not?

It's basically just having a boyfriend or girlfriend not a partner or spouse. There isn't anything new about not living with your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are living separately permanently then you are not sharing your lives. I'm sure this works for people and there is nothing wrong with it but surely they are married in name only whilst living separate lives.

Ah romance, let's move in together to save a few £

Oh please. You know full well what I I meant. We don't just live together to save money but I don't know many couples who could afford two mortgages and two sets of all bills.

This is what we do, and we have a son together who lives between the two homes and has a bedroom in each. We live in the same street. Its ace.

It wouldn’t be for me because my upbringing was somewhat chaotic, and maintaining a lovely home for DH and I is a great joy in my life. I absolutely love to organise our things and have joint memories from our life together around us. We love to spend time together. He works from home and if that ever changes I will miss him terribly when I’m not at work!

Each to their own, though! No business of mine what other people too

Our finances are separate btw and nobody claims any benefits or credits

Me and dp don't live together. Neither of us have any intentions of doing so.
We're both too selfish and set in our ways. I'll hold my hands up. He probably would, too.
We see each other a few times a week. It's what works for the individual

I agree about the expense. This will be largely the preserve of the well-off.

DH works away a lot so I get the house to myself, but I do like the thought that our home is in the same place, as loud as his returning presence can sometimes seem.

Toothtrauma that's lovely

This would be perfect if I ever have a partner again. I'm a single mother with 3 kids and like my own space. I can't see me ever living with a man again, but maybe there's hope for me yet!

I've been with dp for nearly two years & we're both single parents with our own separate homes. . Works perfectly for us

This is the current arrangement for myself and my DP and I can see it being that way going forward. I need to live where I do for my job - which I love and really don't want to leave - and he needs to live where he does for his business, which he needs to be close to. It works for us at the moment and I can see us developing it a bit more over the coming years - probably with me spending 4 days a week at his and 3 days away for work - and using the opportunity to work from home when I can.

It has its advantages; each person gets "me time", I'm quite independent in a lot of ways and like quiet alone time. Then when we get together, I think the time we spend is better quality. We love sitting and talking for hours, we have lots to talk about because we are catching up on the last few days, and we both put a lot of effort into really cherishing the days we get together - but by effort I don't mean it's hard work - we just both make sure we prioritise each other when we are together. We don't tend to bicker over little things... it's actually quite romantic. It's not perfect... and yes we do miss each other when we're not together, of course we do, but for us, not being in each other's pockets all the time I think is good for our relationship. We both see each other as individuals who enhance and enrich each other's lives - we both have busy careers and our own interests but also share a lot of interests and passions that we enjoy together... we really appreciate each other when we are together.

Personally it'd be the last thing I'd want but whatever floats your boat.

When I was with exH I didn't mind him being away in the week and he felt in the way at the weekends sometimes as I was used to getting on with things.
After he left I couldn't imagine wanting to share my space with someone else.

When I got together with now late-DH I just wanted to live with him. On the very odd occasion he went away for the night I missed him. I loved living with him, I loved coming home to him, or him coming home to me. He greatly enhanced my life.

I definitely want that again.

Separate households is my preferred option
increasing economic independence of women gives us the freedom to do this if it's what we want

I would loveeeee to live alone again, it will never happen as my DP would take offence to the idea but omg I'd be so happy lol

@Brittbugs80

"but I don't know many couples who could afford two mortgages and two sets of all bills"

??????????

What on earth do you think single people do??? Live in tents?

My long term. partner and I were always LATs. 13 years this year. We were loyal partners and best friends. I spoke to him every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times. However, neither of us wanted it this way forever. Last week, rather than start moving towards living together, we ended it. 13 years of our life disappeared in a heartbeat. No finances to sort, no connections to undo. We may as well have been a couple for 3 months. Whilst to some that may sound like bliss, to be it is heartbreaking. If we had had more together, we would perhaps have been more inclined to fight for and protect it.

Never again! It is full commitment or nothing for me now.

Wheredoes That sounds a little different as you say that neither of you wanted this situation forever?

Splendid Great point!

My experience of living with a man is that it's very expensive - financially, emotionally, mentally.

As a single parent I get to decide exactly how the house is run, I do it all a lot more cost-effectively and the food bill alone isn't anywhere near half what it was. There is also no wasting money on stupid things he wanted, like Sky TV.

What on earth do you think single people do??? Live in tents

Such a twattish response. Of course single people do it. The clue is in the word SINGLE, therefore one set of living costs/bills/rent/mortgage. If they are single with kids or not, they are only running one home. If they were in a relationship, they would be running two homes and not single. To me thats money that could be benefitting the whole family in a better way, not parents living apart because one partner leaves their jeans on the floor.

Before moving in DH outgoings for the house are same as what they are now other than he lost single occupancy for Council tax and food shopping has gone up.

I was working 60 hours a week and spending £1200 on rent and bills for a two bed third floor flat.

Moving in together has meant I've cut down to 27 hours a week work, I'm also self employed, can choose my hours to suit me so I can do all school drop offs and collect 3 nights from school. I earn more money now as I've got a better paid part time job. We share finances, we have joint savings, DS can do swimming and cubs, we go away 6/7 times a year and I have my own savings, a decent amount for retiring which is only going to get better, and I've financial independence if I ever needed it.

We would lose all of that if we lived apart and I was back to working 60 hours on less pay and £1200 odd in rent and bills and only seeing DH of a weekend. He works away occasionally and I miss him so much when he does. DS would be heartbroken to live apart from him too.

It makes sense to you and is something you want for your relationship but is not something I would want for mine.

We do this.
Married 20 years and 5 children. Each own a house and children split their time between the two. The children decided which house to sleep in on any given night but in practice they mostly stayed at my house. I love my husband but after spending a day or so with him I am so glad that he goes home to his own house!!!

As a single parent I get to decide exactly how the house is run, I do it all a lot more cost-effectively and the food bill alone isn't anywhere near half what it was. There is also no wasting money on stupid things he wanted, like Sky TV.

This isn't a consequence of living with a partner. It's a consequence of living with the wrong partner.

My food bill would be the same for 3 of us as for 4 but there would be more waste. I honestly can't think of anything DH buys for himself alone (other than clothes, but I buy them...). I buy magazines for myself occasionally but he reads them too (Homebuilding and Renovating!). We like the same things, or will keep an open mind if the other likes something. DH prob wouldn't think to go the theatre by himself, but will happily come if there's something I want to watch. If he wants to do something, I'd happily do it too; I wouldn't think he was wasting money.

Anyway, despite the fact he is currently snoring loudly, I'd rather he was snoring next to me than several miles away

Also, many single people now have to live in houseshares, as they can't afford all the expenses of a flat or house alone.