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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being together but living apart is the future

121 replies

splendidisolation · 24/09/2017 15:46

Just read this Guardian article: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

" ‘We have never lived together. Is that so strange?’: the married couples who live apart

They’ve been married for 25 years, and raised twins – but have never lived in the same house. Is this the secret to long-term happiness?"

Any thoughts? Experiences?

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 24/09/2017 23:54

And judging by the number of times you have mentioned this in previous posts and questioned it, even admitting yourself it's expensive, you don't sound wholly confident in this choice.

Lokissister · 25/09/2017 00:04

Me and dp are LAT. I have 2 dc who live with me, he has 2 dc who he has 50/50 residency of, and we have a new dc together.
We live 30 miles apart. He can't move in with me due to situ with his dc (week on week off) and I can't move in with him due to my job and my dc school and commitments. I don't drive and it would cost £60 per day and take over 3 hours of travelling per day to commute.
We all spend every weekend together and it just works.

RunningOutOfCharge · 25/09/2017 00:07

It all sounds to me to very shaky with regards to any benefits claimed!

Fraudulent.... if you claim, keep looking over that shoulder

DixieNormas · 25/09/2017 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KinKinCat · 25/09/2017 02:07

I love living with my partner. I've lived with him since before we started dating so I'd find it very strange to be apart from him now. I get up early and he goes to bed late so we both get alone time.

We're both equally messy and he's a really deep sleeper so not bothered by me getting up early (I use earplugs and an eye mask whether he's around or not).

SerfTerf · 25/09/2017 02:34

I do have a bit of a fantasy about moving north for a much larger period detached house and splitting it so DH has the upstairs and I have the down.

We nearly split once and some of his living habits still drive me insane, but not enough to divorce over, I realised. Separate living space under one roof would be heaven.

Ericaequites · 25/09/2017 02:47

Having separate bedrooms and baths works for us. We've been living together for four months. I like a hard bed, and my spouse prefers soft. Our cats are incompatible. We each fall asleep to separate televisions. We are both childless,; living separately would be complicated with chikdren.

MyDcAreMarvel · 25/09/2017 03:33

"The point is to enjoy being in a relationship with the person you love but keeping your independence and space and not having to make compromises in which one of you has to make a very big sacrifice (location)."
So basically for selfish people then, not willing to compromise for the sake of another.

Piewraith · 25/09/2017 05:36

I did this for five years and it didn't work for me. The problem is that you waste so much time visiting the other person. We only spent 3 nights a week together, which isn't many for a couple of 5 years, but that means three nights where no chores got done and my cats were bored and hungry. On those three nights I never had the things I needed (the right clothes etc). Although I wasted time packing and lugging a huge bag around, some essential thing like socks or the right bra would inevitably be forgotten. Not to mention the time wasted sitting in traffic going back and forth. Getting out of bed after sex and driving home at 1am was a cold freezing nightmare.

Sometimes people say that it extends the romance or is like permanently dating but for me it wasn't. The romance still faded and "going on dates" all the time wasn't enjoyable, it was boring. I just want to relax in my own home.

But if it works for others, that's great.

Original poster

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 06:28

"It makes sense to you and is something you want for your relationship but is not something I would want for mine."

I agree. You also have kids which changes things.

I dont think my question merited being called twattish though. It was one you answered quite extensively so clearly worth asking.

OP posts:

sunflowerblue · 25/09/2017 06:52

With regard to benefits and fraud. If a couple currently cohabit and decide to live separately but continue their relationship, claiming benefits as a single person is fraud. You will be asked when you put in a claim if you are still in a relationship.

I'm not sure if partners who already have children from previous relationships and have decided not to live together, or haven't reached that stage of their relationship, is the same thing as LAT? It's quite a different thing to consciously make a decision to start a family together and live apart imo.

HelloSunshine11 · 25/09/2017 07:04

Husband and I live apart during the week. I can tell you it's bloody hard work with young children and not a set up I would chose. However, when he's home on a weekend and mess levels are high, and he's niggling at DS because he doesn't know which battles to pick because he doesn't have practice, then I can kind of see the appeal. If we were ever to divorce I can't imagine rushing to move someone else in now.

HarHer · 25/09/2017 07:56

We had to do this. It works well for us and is much better for our (nearly adult) children.

Sunnydays365 · 25/09/2017 08:27

I have been with my boyfriend 6 years. We don't live together and I can't see us ever doing so. I met him when I divorced and so was hesitant to bring him to live in my home with my 2 children. We have a good relationship and he adores my kids and vice versa but I can honestly say we are both happy. We are financially independent of each other but go for days out, meals and see him probably 5 days from 7. I have got used to living on my own with the kids and doing it this way suits us.

Sunnydays365 · 25/09/2017 08:29

Also we are different religions and I believe if we lived together we would conflict, as it is we each do our own thing..sounds strange but we do love each other:)

Spudlet · 25/09/2017 08:34

No. I would hate this.

Each to their own though.

donajimena · 25/09/2017 08:48

sunflower its perfectly ok to claim WTC if you don't live with your partner

MiraiDevant · 25/09/2017 09:38

We did it. Kids lived with me but when I worked they stayed with him. Dinner at mine sometimes but always at his at the weekends. Kids were born into it and see both homes as their own,

We have separated now, (after 30 years together), but it hardly shows and the kids still move between the two homes just as they always did.

Advantages - different lifestyles - kids experienced that. Flexibility, personal space.
Disadvantages - cost, I do the tough bits with the kids, (more of a problem as they became teens),

5rivers7hills · 25/09/2017 09:51

I see this working really well for people without children, who are financially independent and secure.

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 25/09/2017 10:14

oo even separate beds sounds good! just to have my own space a room or something, my OH wants a mens den so if he has that I want my own room too! people always say oo the man works hard he should have a pub night, oo men need their space get them a man cave... what about me?? I need a night off and a woman lounge!!!

IfNot · 25/09/2017 10:16

*sunflower its perfectly ok to claim WTC if you don't live with your partner

IfNot · 25/09/2017 10:18

Sunshine amen to having your own room. I love my bedroom. It's a really girly boudoir

Getout21 · 25/09/2017 10:20

I thought of this thread while watching escape to the chateau last night. The original plans showed Madame & Monsieur had separate wings with a bedroom, salon & bathroom. Perfect! Just need to afford a chateau now.

petitdonkey · 25/09/2017 10:23

We do it without really meaning too. DH works away during the week and has done since our three children were little. The kids are used to it (and so many of my friends DHs get home after little ones are in bed anyway) and we really value our family time at the weekend. If he comes home unexpectedly during the week it feels like a holiday!! On the other nights, I have an early bath and bed and thoroughly enjoy a good book in bed all by myself!

When the children were tiny (0, 2, 4) I often wished for him to be home to help me but now they are bigger (8, 10, 13) its really fine.

HeartburnCentral · 25/09/2017 10:23

If I had wanted to live apart from my DH I wouldn't have married him. Being in a relationship and living apart is just the same as dating without the commitment. What would be the point? If you marry someone you share your lives not just the good times. How would this arrangement work if the couple have children?

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