AIBU or were my friends just being mean?(210 Posts)
Looking for some impartial advice really. We have a 7mo DD who is our whole world, multiple mc whilst ttc, and most of my friends know all about our struggle.
A few months ago myself and said friends went out for a ladies day of lunch and a (good) few drinks. Met in a coffee shop, friend A arrives and ask how's motherhood and how's it all going? General chit chat. (I might add that friend A is a friend of a friend who I rarely see but get along with when we do meet in our social circle) Friends B,C & D arrive shortly afterwards whilst myself and friend A are still chatting about my DD, from the look on their faces it's clear to me that they have no interest in listening to this or asking after my DD, these women are supposed to be my good friends (one was my maid of honour). Lots of turning away from the conversation and talking about the menu in the coffee shop. So I ask each one in turn about them and what's been happening since I saw them last? Friend B (maid of honour) saw the weekend previous for a cuppa at my house, I asked if their summer holiday was all booked? Friend C hadn't seen since DD was around 5 weeks old, I asked about her new job offer and about her weight loss (she'd posted on FB the previous night ) and also asked Friend D how her holiday down under was and inquired about all the places she'd visited. So as a Friend I'm showing an interest in their lives and asking about things important to them, so AIBU by thinking at least one of them could ask after my DD and me seeing as it's such a life changing event, messaged my DH later to ask if I was right to be pissed off they hadn't mentioned DD the whole day we were out together, DH being a reasonable man also couldn't understand this. The day finished after quite a few drinks with me quietly seething that these were my good friends and only a friend of a friend had the decency to ask about my DD.
A week or so later DH of Friend C text my DH to arrange a get together, my DH answered with "shit was kind of upset after the other day as none of the girls asked after DD like she didn't exist, not sure what that was all about, so I'll let you know" DH didn't text friend back however they met up this week for a catch up and DH said again "Why do you think that B,C & D behaved that way?" Friend DH agreed it was a crappy thing to do, later that day I receive a message from Friend C asking if we could maybe get together to build some bridges! I asked why they all decided not to mention my DD that day and she got quite defensive and said she was just offering an olive branch and to let her know if I wanted to meet for a drink to talk.
Message then arrives from Friend B saying C is upset and now she's upset too as I have accused them of behaving maliciously, and I should change my recollection of the day out as thats not what happened! So now it's 3 against me trying to say that they joined in the original conversation between me and A.....no they fucking didn't!
To add B,C & D don't have DC's nor do they claim to want them. Friend A does have 2 DD and there was a discussion about her DC's eating habits during the day so it's not like it was a child free day in that sense.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post but need some perspective here, I know I sound all PFB but what type of friends don't ask about something so massive?
Is this a case of friendship going bad after children or are they just mean
I think you need to take hold of a firm grip.
Yes conversations should evolve naturally whilst being inclusive but not everyone wants to talk about children. I gather that even the slightest "how's your dd?" would have sufficed but this really doesn't warrant an essay length post about their unreasonableness.
How is your dd, by the way?
You're going to get a lot of answers saying that other people aren't interested in your child, don't be a baby bore etc.
I'm of the view that it's polite to ask your friends about the things they care about, even if it bores you shitless. So YANBU.
However, sounds like they are offering an olive branch, you should take it, not make a big deal of it and move on.
Relationships with childless friends can change after you've had a child and sometimes, in my experience, never fully recover.
I see my friends to talk about things other than babies! Even now they only ask in passing because they aren't my DCs friends
I think you are being ridiculas
Did they ask about other things?
I wouldn't have involved DH and got their DP's involved
Yes a token 'how is dd?' Would have been polite but they could see you were already immersed in conversation about her with Friend A.....DC are a really boring subject generally.
Do you have a habit of going on a bit about babies etc. Maybe they are find it a bit dull.
All sounds a bit silly really op, sorry. Other peoples kids ARE boring if I'm being honest! Especially if you are not interested in babies and children generally anyway. They don't sound like they were yawning or bitching about you, just engaged in another conversation which interested them more or they felt they could have some input in.
They will get it one day and if they are good enough friends you'll be happy to wait until that day comes. If they aren't, lose them now and save yourself the trouble.
Hmmmm... they may not have joined in the conversation with friend a but were they there to hear it? Because if they heard you saying "dd is doing really well, she's eating loads of food now, already wanting to stand up etc etc" then to them it might have seemed strange to say "how's dd."
Perhaps they were listening when you were telling friend A about your DD so didn't feel that they needed to ask again?
I guess they don't have children yet?
I do get it, it's hard when you're in the baby zone and your friends don't get it. But maybe try to give your friends a break, besides they'll definitely ask next time 😊
Unless they ignored you during the whole thing yabu. Other ppls dc are just not interesting if you are childless yourself. Your dc is young, so hasn't had time to do anything interesting or feature regularly in conversation yet.
When I was childless I had v v little interest in talking about other people's children I have to admit. Now I'm a mother I can talk more easily - it's something we would have in common. I think you're being a bit precious.
OP, maybe they see baby updates on your fb wall and didn't think they needed more info? Not sure. I lean towards thinking they're not interested in hearing a baby.
I'm feeling sad for you because your DD is such a huge part of your life and just a bit of interest from friends would've been lovely. I think YANBU but also think these msgs and upset feelings aren't going to make an uninterested person interested?
Tell us about your DD instead, babies are gorgeous, and she is no doubt the light of your life. Congratulations, even belatedly, for the birth of your child.
I literally struggled so bad to decipher the OP.
Can anyone do a brief synopsis that isn't 1000 words long?
Your DH getting involved was the unreasonable bit tbh. If he'd kept out if it you wouldn't be in this situation.
YABU. Other people's children are boring, particularly to those who have no interest in having them themselves.
Your DH was unreasonable in his reply to that text too; very passive aggressive.
Until they have a baby then they'll have no idea what a life changing event this has been for you and it's understandable that they will have little interest. I think it would have been polite to ask about your DD but they probably didn't want in depth conversations about the ins and outs of motherhood.
I can't believe your DH felt the need to bring it up with his mate especially knowing it was likely to be passed on. Anyone else doing that and we'd be calling them a shit stirrer
Babies are fucking boring and having had two of them i can't think why you would expect childless friends to be interested.
I do get where you atwant becoming from. Being interested in one another's lives should be part of a friendship, however you say why don't they ask about something so massive. It's massive to you not them. They may have something going on in their lives that's massive to them but not of interest to you.
I see my friends NOT to talk about kids. if one of them got the hump through a third party because I didn't ask after theirs I would give them a bit of a swerve for a year or so tbh.
I am really guilty of not asking my good friends about their children. Less close friends I do as clutching st conversation points, but older friends it drops off the lists. I appreciate that sounds bad but I genuinely only realise after that I've not directly asked about their kids.
I'm saying this with kindness...but...other people's kids are boring unless something remarkably amazing has happened.
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