To not understand "gender grief"

[PetalMettle]

E.g. Being "devastated" that you're expecting one gender over another? Maybe it's because I had a long wait for what looks like my one and only child or because I've seen people who desperately want children unable to have them, but I actually get quite annoyed that people say they have such strong preferences.
However this does seem to be quite common and universally acknowledged as a thing which the mother should be sympathised with and cosseted for.
Am I weird for feeling like it's very self indulgent unless there's a reason like an inherited disease one gender doesn't get?

FFS it's not a mental health issue. When you talk to people expecting a baby the majority of men and women have a preference. It's hardly difficult to understand.

Yes, that's pretty much exactly what it is. I think also, when you have IVF it feels so much is outside of your control that your family not looking as you have 'dreamed' it should feels like another thing that's been taken from you.

I think also your OP and subsequent posts don't allow for any sort of concession that some people often feel a strong way about something taboo (and wanting one gender over another is) because of something in their past. My background includes very early maternal loss. I am completely over this. I barely remember my mother and while objectively that's sad, it's not something that consciously makes me sad, in the same way that someone blind from birth wouldn't feel a longing to see. Yet if you peel back multiple layers I know that a very sad, frightened and lonely little girl is longing for a mother and I know my own desire for a girl is instrinsicslly wrapped up in that. Logically I know that's nonsense but feelings don't tend to be logical.

Similarly, I have a friend who has two lovely boys she adores. Her first baby sadly died at a few months old from leukaemia and she was a girl. My friend is obviously heartbroken still for her loss, but I know never having had a daughter live is something that makes her sad.

There are reasons for feelings and often these reasons are something you simply cannot know until you delve deep, deep into someone's psyche and past.

I understand why people might feel a bit of disappointment if they wanted one sex and got the other. However, the notion of "grief" at having a girl rather than a boy or vv is one I find distasteful. Maybe that's because I had a very difficult first pregnancy where it was very uncertain that thd baby would be ok.

I spent months in hospital and just wanted a healthy baby, sex was irrelevant. Luckily my ds was born without problems, albeit premature. That probably colours my thinking but I do get irritated when I read threads on here about people being "devestated" they are having a ds or dd. And yes, that probably does mean j lack empathy with them but maybe it also means they lack empathy with those whose path to parenthood has not been straightforward.

i think your pregnancy has addled your mind.

Yes 'gender grief' is weird and pathetic.

My feeling is that you should be allowed to have a preference and you should be allowed to be disappointed. Yes, it's minor compared to those coping with infertility, still-birth, disability, but because others suffer worse shouldn't negate your feelings about your own situation.

Grief is a very strong word though. I think disappointment is much more appropriate.

And I suspect those experiencing gender disappointment get over it damn quickly.

With my first pregnancy I was desperate for a boy. I could never have articulately explained why, it was just a feeling that a boy would fit better with my family. I know full well that I would have been consumed with love no matter whether baby was boy or girl. I cried tears of joy when the scan showed a boy. Ds was born 13 weeks early and was very poorly initially. He isn't really into "boyish" things - shows no interest in sports, cars etc - which has never been an issue. Dh is super sporty but accepts that he isn't and has never tried to force the issue - he is who he is.

I'm currently 11+4 with my second after 3 years ttc and 4 mc and if anyone asks I will say I just want a healthy baby, which of course I do. In secret, I've found myself looking at girl clothes and nursery decor - not just pink before anyone jumps on me! I've always loved the "though she be but little, she is fierce" quote and building a nursery around that!

I really really wanted a girl.
I had had a son ticked the duty box for my Chinese in laws
Now it was a girl. For me.
My pregnancy was the polar opposite of the first one. I carried differently. Definitely a girl.
At the 20 week scan they showed us his testicles and willy.
Yep. I was upset. Shocked. Saddened.
Had 3 days of realising Charlotte was not coming into my life.
I got my head into boy mode talked through the positives. V v happily gave birth to ds2.

I love having 2 boys but make no secret that I would have enjoyed having a little girl.

Our first child is a daughter.

We love her. I'm pregnant again and whilst I personally honestly don't really care about our LO's sex DH's father apparently wants a grandson (he has granddaughters but no grandsons. And DH is so to speak his "last" hope for this) which is why DH also kind of wishes for a grandson...

So, whilst I know that nobody would ever make our 2nd child feel less loved, wanted or anything if they're a girl. I do know what DH would be slightly disappointed (but still an awesome and devoted father). And that ok imo.

I have 4 boys. I did want DS3 and 4 to be girls, but once they were there, and themselves, with their own personality and ways, how could I possibly want them to be anything other than what and who they are? I would never swap any of my boys for an imaginary girl.
The girl I never had does not exist and never did. I don't mourn her like I mourn my dead father and brother and don't feel grief for her like I do for them.

I was originally hoping for a girl as I felt a bit clueless about boys. My pregnancy was vile so I was thrilled to have a baby. If it had been twins so I wouldn't have needed to do a pregnancy ever again I'd have been even more thrilled. I was never worried again about gender.

I had a little girl for a while as a foster mum, and I still miss her very much. I am sad not to have a girl now as my family is very male, but it is more sadness about the little girl I no longer have.

Generally, I think we need to get much tougher with ourselves and knock this search for perfection on the head.

Part of the reason I don't have kids is because I believe I'd struggle with finding out I was carrying a girl.

When dh and I were considering children, i did go to counselling and I suspect a lot of it has to do with my own relationship with my mother. She has mental health problems that were not diagnosed until later in life and my upbringing was pretty much left to my three brothers as dad wasn't around. SS were involved and I never really had a mum/daughter relationship. She was neglectful and abusive as a result of her untreated health issues.

She adored my brothers though...as did I, which had left me feeling overall more comfortable with men than women.

The thought of having a daughter and letting her down in the same way terrifies me; the thought of the emotions it would stir up terrifies me. I feel like I'd have a much better gauge on what's right or wrong with a boy.

Which I realise is utterly ridiculous on a conscious level. It really is. The relationship with a child is not dictated by its genitals. But it's the whole mum/daughter thing for me.

The sex issue is probably magnified by the fact that I was always on the fence about having kids though. If I really wanted them, I suspect I'd find away to resolve it. It just seems like quite a heap of issues to land on a poor hypothetical kid which I'm not even sure I want, IYSWIM.

picklemepopcorn absolutely.

Are number 1 and 2 more often than expected the same sex in 3-child families? You'd expect that if sex disappointment was common and more than a fleeting thought.

I'm not pregnant @theoriginallem but thanks for your helpful contribution

More genuinely thank you for everyone who's pointed out that there may be very reasonable, but not immediately obvious, reasons for wanting one gender over another.

I think I'm just riled by talk of "grief" and "mourning", but I guess that's when the Mh stuff comes into play

I'm not sure it's fair to say it's "quite common" - are you perhaps creating a straw man argument?

There's nothing wrong with sympathising with other people's troubles just as I assume you hope people sympathise with yours (without regard of whether their own troubles are deemed by you to be worse than your own).

Yes 'gender grief' is weird and pathetic.

Lack of empathy is weird and pathetic.

Agree with you OP - seems to be the day for it today. I can't get my head around people having a fixed idea of what a son or daughter will be like to the point of being disappointed before they're even born. Poor child! I get that we're all different but I do think people are too pandered to over this.

Yanbu.

DC2 was born with a life limiting disease which is 'invisible' and genetic. In my heart I would love another child but there is a strong possibility they would also inherit the gene so this isnt going to be an option anymore.

When I hear mothers saying how sad they are that their child is a boy/girl, or when one mother (unaware of DCs condition) said she would only have another child if she could guarantee a girl as her DH was so dissappointed at the scan it does make me feel sick as many get devastating news at scans and really all you should wish for is a healthy child.

It's semantics jitr - by quite common I would say I regularly hear about it.
I suppose it's I found it difficult to see it as a problem buT some posters have demonstrated why it could be

When I was pregnant with my second baby I didn't want him to be a girl, I wanted him to be exactly who he was/is and I loved him always. But I was really sad not to be having a daughter, and as dh doesn't want a 3rd, to accept I'll never have one. Fuck all to do with girly stuff, I don't do that stuff. Idk what it is exactly. I love my sons so much, am grateful for them every day. I feel so sad for my friends and others who have fertility problems, and I'd obviously never complain to them. But my feelings are not an insult to anyone, ffs. They are my feelings, perfectly valid, probably a result of my upbringing/psychology/genes, just as your superiority is probably meeting some deep need of yours.

Sorry that was to a pp who said feelings of disappointment were an insult to those who just wanted a healthy baby

I haven't used the word "insult" anywhere. Nor have I claimed to be superior to those with gender preferences, I've said that I don't understand them. And then having listened to them I've said I can understand them a bit better.

Your post is very unpleasant and rude and I think accusing me of "superiority" is personal abuse

Oops cross post. Perhaps I'm a tad over sensitive this morning

It's ridiculous. You are welcoming an individual into the world who will have their own set of likes/dislikes aspirations and challenges no matter what chromosomes they have.

I have three girls who are all very different. My little one is currently playing football in a mixed sex team and will come back muddy and bruised.
I also have friends who have gone through grief due to the loss of a child or developmental issues.
I get that people will be disappointed- but grief? really