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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand "gender grief"

112 replies

PetalMettle · 19/03/2017 08:35

E.g. Being "devastated" that you're expecting one gender over another? Maybe it's because I had a long wait for what looks like my one and only child or because I've seen people who desperately want children unable to have them, but I actually get quite annoyed that people say they have such strong preferences.
However this does seem to be quite common and universally acknowledged as a thing which the mother should be sympathised with and cosseted for.
Am I weird for feeling like it's very self indulgent unless there's a reason like an inherited disease one gender doesn't get?

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 19/03/2017 08:51

I don't 'understand' it, as I've never experienced it. However there are lots of things I've never experienced but can still feel empathy for.
You don't have to understand something, just accept that it's an issue for some people.

IamFriedSpam · 19/03/2017 08:51

YANBU I don't understand it either. I wouldn't judge someone who was genuinely suffering but I do think it's dangerous to have a specific image of the child you're going to have. I wouldn't want to heap loads of expectations on a child just because they happen to be born a particular sex.

Whatsername17 · 19/03/2017 08:53

I don't really understand it either. I have two girls. I was hoping for a boy, I'm a bit sad that I won't get to have a boy, but I wasn't disappointed when dd2 was a girl. I was over the moon. I think struggling to convieve or loss of a baby makes you hardened to things like this because you are just so glad the baby is in existence.

madmoon · 19/03/2017 08:53

Whilst your right we should be grateful to have a happy healthy baby often gender disappointment stems from bigger factors.
Be it a childhood dream that carries on for life my best friend always wanted two girls even when she was 10 she would talk about her girls . Luckily for her she had girls.

I always wanted a boy as my first I was convinced he would be named after my dad who I lost when I was little he would be the only thing that was mine with a link to my dad , I had a girl I was highly disappointed , but I loved and still love that little girl and am grateful that she was a perfect little girl .

Often when people set their hearts on something, it's very hard when you don't get what you want for what ever reason.
It is not for us to judge , just support.

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 19/03/2017 08:55

I'd only have a 3rd dc if the sex was 100% guaranteed.

SoupDragon · 19/03/2017 08:55

It is perfectly possible to be grateful for and love the child you have got and still be disappointed about the one(s) you do not, be that because you had an initial preference for a particular sex or because you do not have as many children as you would like.

IllMetByMoonlight · 19/03/2017 08:56

Should be 'sex grief' really, as that is what is being determined, the sex of the baby. And although most wouldn't necessarily admit to having such feelings, I totally 'get' that many women (and men) do. I definitely had a preference in both cases, and whereas it would have been absolutely fine for it to turn out otherwise, I was still pleased to have what I 'wished for'. I too am someone who had my DCs late after what looked like many years of fruitless efforts. I have friends who have been really distressed by having a child which turned out not to be the sex they had hoped for, and they addressed this effectively through counselling.

Original poster
PetalMettle · 19/03/2017 08:56

Yes that's true as well Spam. I saw a post earlier where someone said "never go wedding dress shopping" -I took a mate with me for mine not my mum. But I don't want to be frivolous as I see it goes deeper than that.
I think some people are just wistful - and that I can understand easier. I guess when it goes beyond that - e.g. I know someone who said they cried for a week it becomes a mh issue and there's no reason why, unless you're suffering, you should understand that

OP posts:
IllMetByMoonlight · 19/03/2017 08:59

Apologies for 'sex' correction; I was 2nd person to respond to this post when I began to type, before bum wiping and breakfast got in the way Grin

Ecureuil · 19/03/2017 08:59

I know someone who said they cried for a week it becomes a mh issue

Surely if it's a MH issue they need support, not judgement?

FourToTheFloor · 19/03/2017 09:01

LostSight yes it's a thing now because you know people 200 years ago were never disappointed Hmm

People can be disappointed in whatever they like, none of your concern OP. My hairdresser desperately wanted a dd, but has found out it will be ds. Yes she was very disappointed but she's still excited and looking foward to her dc.

Original poster
PetalMettle · 19/03/2017 09:02

That's what I mean - up until this thread I hadn't really thought it could be a mh issue. Once I saw a post putting it that way it made me think

OP posts:
HoldBackTheRain · 19/03/2017 09:04

YANBU. People who experience 'gender grief' should try swapping places with those who have had stillbirths/premature babies that are left with lifelong conditions.

I understand if you wanted one sex and found out it was the other, but that 'disappointment' should last 5 minutes. TO feel grief is insulting to those of us who just wanted our child to be healthy, regardless of its sex.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/03/2017 09:05

I can understand disappointment. Particularly if someone knows they won't be having another child and they wanted this one to be a girl/boy

I think giving things labels that usually come from pseudo psychologist employed to write articles makes things seem more profound than they really are.

People feel sad, they read some old crap in The Times, they think 'thats me! I have Gender Grief' and it just makes things worse.

There will be individuals who are genuinely distressed but there will always be a significant reason for this. They need support and understanding.

Everyone is is being ridiculous if they don't get a grip within a fairly short while.

Blackfellpony · 19/03/2017 09:08

I was disappointed to find out we were having a boy as everyone's reactions were negative! I had pregnant friends who were actively wishing for a girl over a boy so I naturally assumed a boy must be more difficult somehow.

In fact I absolutely love having my boy and wouldn't care less which one I got next time if I ever had another Smile

sadsquid · 19/03/2017 09:09

I don't think it's awful to feel a preference. I wanted my DC2 to be a girl like my DC1, probably because I felt like I knew what I was doing with girls! I remember feeling a bit numb at my 6 month scan when I found out he was a boy. But I gave myself a mental kick up the bum and got used to the idea quickly. I do think that anyone who finds themselves feeling a strong preference should work hard on keeping a sense of perspective and being aware they will very possibly not get what they want. And yes, if it's becoming a MH issue it's not that easy (I have been mentally unwell for large portions of my life, I get that). But generally I think people heading for parenthood need to remind themselves regularly that their child's purpose isn't living up to our daydream image but living a good life as themselves, and we rightly have very little control over who they turn out to be.

Lostwithinthehills · 19/03/2017 09:09

I'm in agreement with you op. I could understand parents saying they have a vague wish for a boy or a girl, or for for one of each, but I can not understand people feeling grief that their wonderful new born is a boy not a girl. I am viewing it from the perspective of infertility problems, I will never have a second child so for me a child is an impossibly precious gift. I think that people who can easily conceive and then carry a baby are hugely privileged are wrong to complain about the sex of that baby. I also feel sorry for the children who are the 'wrong' sex and wonder if their childhoods will be blighted by parents who resent them because of it.

TreeTop7 · 19/03/2017 09:10

It can get problematic and disappointing later ...when the joy-inducing baby girl grows up into someone who has no interest in spending Saturdays hanging out at John Lewis and Starbucks with Mum, chatting about makeup and boys. Must be crushing for women who've been looking forward to the "girlie" stuff.

Similarly, dads-to-be who are really hoping for (rugby-playing, alpha) boys.

paxillin · 19/03/2017 09:11

I think lots of people have a preference. There are two flavours and you'll get one of them randomly assigned. It's not surprising some people's preference is stronger than others. Grief is a bit much, disappointment usually describes it better.

Original poster
PetalMettle · 19/03/2017 09:11

Very inadequate Flowers @holdbacktherain

For me I always knew which gender was highly likely which probably also hampers my understanding

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 19/03/2017 09:12

I agree with you OP. I find it hard to understand. I've come to the conclusion that it's either an ego thing or societal pressure.

lavenderandrose · 19/03/2017 09:13

Interestingly, 'gender grief' (I agree, it's a wanker term) is quite common amongst women who have had fertility treatment and/or tried for years unsuccessfully.

It isn't as clear cut as 'ooh, when you have tried for THIS length of time you are happy for any baby.'

Original poster
PetalMettle · 19/03/2017 09:15

That is interesting @lavenderandrose - I wonder if it's the case that "it's been such a struggle now it has to be perfect". Different for me but I got very stressed about feeding issues and weight gain

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/03/2017 09:18

I remember feeling so sorry for the poor little baby mentioned in a very curt birth announcement years ago. 'To X and Y, a fifth and final daughter.'

Nothing else. So sad.

yorkshapudding · 19/03/2017 09:19

It's not an MH issue though.
I'm not disputing that some people do feel genuinely very upset by this but not everything that makes people feel upset is an "MH issue". Disappointment is a normal and natural emotion. Some people are less emotionally resilient than others and will therefore find it more difficult to get over their disappointment but that doesn't mean they have an actual mental disorder.

I agree with a previous poster that if someone is so very set on having a boy/girl that to have the opposite sex will cause them significant distress then they should think very seriously about whether to TTC at all. I also think that using words like "grief" and "mourning" in this context is completely inappropriate.