Advanced search

AIBU to expect more from dh?

(209 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Preggocinders Wed 08-Mar-17 19:46:18

Newbie so be gentle! Long post but there's a lot to this...
So me and DH met just over a year ago, married for 9 months, I have a ds from previous relationship and I am days away from giving birth to Dh's first baby. We moved really fast as soon as we met, fell in love hard and just went with it. I'm a SAHM and he works 30 hours a week, and makes enough to support us. We had an agreement that I would do all the cooking and cleaning and he would be the bread winner. That's fine. The problems have come when I've wanted to do something with ds when dh is working, like visit family or friends. Because he thinks when he is working I should be in the home, and be there when he gets home from work with his meal prepared, towel and comfy clothes sitting out for him to have a shower etc. When I didn't realise that's what he wanted at first and would be out when he called me from work, he would go in moods, not speak to me, or threaten to leave me. I had a horrible break up with ds dad, who was emotionally and financially abusive, cheat on me etc, and I felt worthless after he left, so when I met dh and he was initially very loving caring and thoughtful, I didn't see any of his negative qualities. My family picked up on the changes they saw in my behaviour very quickly, and dislike DH because of it. It all came to a head with them a couple of months ago when my mum vocalised her dislike for dh, saying that he was draining the goodness out of me. I love DH, even though I see what our relationship has done to me. I used to be full of life and now I just feel empty. Because of what DM said, DH won't allow any of my family to be involved in our baby's life, and has said if I ever let them near baby he will leave me. I just feel so alone and I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to. I've come out of hospital today after two nights being monitored because I am high risk due to a heart condition, and had bad pains and palpations. DH moaned about having to sit with me while waiting to be seen, because he hates sitting around. I was in a lot of pain and needed his support and love, but all I got was more stress because he was getting angry at me because we had to sit there and wait 2 hours or so to be seen by a doctor. He didn't visit me, and wouldn't allow anyone else to because of the whole my family /baby thing. I've come home today and he hasn't done a single thing in the house while I've been away, dishes still dirty from before I left, he had just sat and ate Crisps in front of the TV and left all his rubbish on the floor. I asked him why he hadn't even bothered lifting stuff through to the kitchen, and his reply was "but then what would I need you for". Aibu to expect even a little effort so when I came home sore and tired and sick of being poked and prodded, that the house wouldn't be an utter tip? My DP watched ds, and when the drop him off they arent allowed near the house so I had to stand out in the cold to wait on them. And DH wouldnt even acknowledge DS when we came indoors, DS is only 2 and loves DH so was excited to see him, and DH just blanked him and went upstairs. I don't want to be alone, with two kids by two different dads and divorced. But how do I get him to see that the way he acts hurts me?

JohnLapsleyParlabane Wed 08-Mar-17 19:47:54

To be brutally honest, he doesn't love you. He's using you.

ilovechocolates Wed 08-Mar-17 19:48:28

Sounds like u need to LTB. Can u go n stay with ur family?

Softkitty2 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:51:43

You replaced one bad relationship to a worst one.

So what if he leaves you? You will be better off. You will have a son who will grow up thinking that is how to treat a woman and if you ever have a girl, they will see your lack of self worth, confidence and will think its ok to be treated like that.

Leave him.

Preggocinders Wed 08-Mar-17 19:52:15

I could, my parents would take me and DC in until we find a place. I just am afraid of going ahead with it. I have no money whatsoever to even start us off. DH had me sell all my furniture when he moved in to make room for his stuff.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 08-Mar-17 19:52:15

He's abusive. Make plans to leave.

fusspot66 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:52:27

If you move back to your parents before the baby is born, the legalities will be easier.He will only get worse. I'm sorry.

Fishface77 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:53:14

Get out now before your baby is born.
go to your family, they are right. He us isolated you from your family and is abusing you.

NotInMyBackYard1 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:53:15

What a total arse - better alone with two children than living in a house with this manchild plus your two children.

Fishface77 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:53:58

Is it your house?
Do you rent?

BitchQueen90 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:54:00

If he can't see it himself, you won't be able to get him to.

You're in an abusive marriage. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on your children. You need to leave. Will your family help you? Friends?

Ecureuil Wed 08-Mar-17 19:54:06

He knows that the way he acts hurts you, how could he not?
He's isolating you from your friends and family, he's using you and he's emotionally abusing you. Run for the hills.

SquinkiesRule Wed 08-Mar-17 19:55:10

Pack up you and your Ds and go home to your family.
He's a horrible abusive twat. It doesn't get better, you'll be busy with baby, he'll be expecting to walk in the door and food, towel and slippers won't be ready. What then?

BitchQueen90 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:55:12

Cross post. Go and stay with your parents and apply for benefits to get you on your feet.

ZilphasHatpin Wed 08-Mar-17 19:55:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Preggocinders Wed 08-Mar-17 19:55:42

The house is rented in his name, I'm not on the tenancy agreement

Crumbs1 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:57:28

It's not what a marriage should be. It does sound unpleasant and controlling with increasing demands to cut you off from social and family contact. Thirty hours work is hardly long hours, so no reason he shouldn't do his fair share around the house. Another baby is going to trap you further in an abusive situation. If you can think about leaving, I think I would encourage you to do so. Your mum will be more supportive than your husband.

Thetruthfairy Wed 08-Mar-17 19:57:38

I wouldn't want my son around that man. I am sure your family would be there for you op.
Please leave him xx

Screwinthetuna Wed 08-Mar-17 19:57:51

I think (hope) you know that YANBU op. He's an absolute pig and he's emotionally abusing you. I'm not sure you can get him to see/understand. There are lovely men out there and he isn't one of them

mimiholls Wed 08-Mar-17 19:59:08

I'm afraid you have found another partner exactly like your ex as this is emotional and financial abuse. I'm sorry I don't think people like this change. I think you were very hasty to move so fast with this person.

Bantanddec Wed 08-Mar-17 19:59:18

"What would I need you for?"
Wtf is this????? You let him speak to you like this?? This man's a prick, get out before his abusive behaviour starts affecting the children.

Crispbutty Wed 08-Mar-17 20:00:20

Get out now while you can. He's controlling, and I would bet my last penny he will be abusive when you don't do as you are told. You need to protect your children and yourself.

ZilphasHatpin Wed 08-Mar-17 20:00:41

And when you get out do the freedom programme. You need help to see how to avoid making these relationship decisions again.

blackteasplease Wed 08-Mar-17 20:01:20

You need to leave him right now.

"What would he need you for" says he. More like what do you need him for.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 08-Mar-17 20:02:25

Go to your parents. It will get worse when the baby is born.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: