BIL cancelled 3 days before Christmas(181 Posts)
AIBU to be very upset/ disappointed by this?
DH and I function very differently from BIL/SIL which is fine as essentially we are all different. We try to be organised-ish and be on time etc where as BIL/SIL often cancels last minute and only ever apologises when they are 30mins late... over the years this has caused some friction but we ignore it as we are family...
This year our BIL is due their 2nd child mid Dec and we therefore offered to host Christmas as we are only 20 mins away. We have children ourselves so have all the baby things eg cot, and we will have food for their toddler. We decided to host mainly to make life easier for them and they were aware of this. The plan was made end of Nov.
This is their 2nd child so they should know the challenges of the newborn phase.
Yesterday, BIL called and 'casually' mentioned that they are not coming over for Christmas. DH who usually sweeps things under the carpet, went livid. BIL excuse being they have a newborn - but surely they knew this in the last 9 months??
I have been up past midnight 2 nights last week pre ordering food (not their fault, just the only time I had) and accomodating to their dietary needs. We now have £200 worth of food in fridge/ freezer and DH's only sibling bothers to tell us 3 days beforehand they are not coming... I am disappointed and quite pissed off. AIBU? Or should I be more understanding they have a newborn???
How old is their newborn? I would cut them some slack, to be honest.
They have a newborn. They are perfectly entitled to cancel last minute.
OK so they know what having a newborn entails. They don't however know what having a newborn plus a child entails. It's a fucking nightmare of a time.
You need to be more understanding as they have a newborn.
Are other guests coming to help eat the food?
It is a bit inconsiderate especially if we are talking about just an aftrrnoon visit for meal. I would imagine something else is going on that they sont want to share. Maybe they have fallen out or mum is depressed or struggling in some way.
YANBU - casually cancelling on December 22nd is taking the piss. Anyone with half a brain knows that if you're hosting Christmas you'll be incurring some sort of expense in catering. If you need to cancel for a newborn (and fair enough they might need to) then you give as much notice as possible and sound very apologetic!
Tbh I'd still cook enough and drop some plated meals round for them on the day. I'll bet they don't even know which way is up.
Have you actually said, "No, it's not ok. We've spent 200 quid on food and I've been preparing all week"?
YANBU to be pissed off, you've been making plans and they've been disrupted. But be pissed off at the situation, not BIL. My 2nd newborn was a hell of a lot harder than the first. I had also completely forgotten what having a newborn entailed.
Can you make them something with the extra and send it over?
When was the baby born? I know you say they should know the challenges of a newbord but no two babies are the same. My DS was a really easy newborn but I have friends who's newbord were colicy, non-sleeping, screaming nightmares in comparison and it was such hard work for their parents. I would also cut them some slack, or offer to go to them and cook there (if they fancy it) to take the pressure off them but still be together.
How far away do they live? Could they just come for lunch?
I think it was probably a bit optimistic. Newborns are hard work whether you have had one already or not. They are likely shattered and hadn't realised how they would feel when they made the plans with you. It would have been nice to know sooner but maybe they hoped that they would feel able to join you and only just realised it won't be possible.
One new born is different to another one. How old is the baby? How was the birth? Are they struggling to establish breast feeding?
Maybe their newborn has terrible colic or won't feed or won't stop crying, or has done 3 poonamis today alone. Perhaps they are being considerate to you.
Or perhaps they just want to relax with their children in their own space without worrying about how they'll cope in someone else's house, probably quite sleep deprived, without having easy access to the usual baby paraphernalia.
Flexibility is a wonderful life skill, as is empathy. Best get cracking on those sprouts.
I'd cook the food up and bring it round to them. They are clearly struggling. I found going from 1 to 2 much harder than going from 2 to 3. You also don't know if your SIL is having issues with PND and/or feeding.
I would let this one go and rise above it.
I can see why you're upset but also feel for them. It could be your SIL is feeling low... it could be that she wants to be able to sit with her boobs out feeding and napping all day... it could be that their older wee one is struggling enough with becoming a big sibling that they feel Xmas at another house will cause upset.
Can you offer to drop some food by?
You didn't need to spend that much more for two adults tbh... you would still have been buying for your family surely?
Has the baby been born yet? You say 'it is due mid December' but not mention it arriving, despite it being 23rd?
In any case, the £200 of food wasn't going to be only eaten by them, so you will need to eat some of it anyway and can you eat any as leftovers or freeze until later.
One of the things I really like about Christmas Dinner is that you can eat the leftovers for 2/3 days without really having to do any more cooking and leftover meat, stuffing etc freezes well for later. If you plan well with the leftovers, there is no need to waste any. Could you pack up some of it to take to eat as a buffet leftover type affair with them at their house?
How old is the baby and how far away are you? With my daughter I bled really bad for about a month and was flooding maternity pads all the while so we didn't travel further than an hour in the car. Could there be other issues? PND? Feeding issues? Or maybe they haven't slept for a fortnight. I would cut them slack. I also wouldn't push for a reason- there could be a whole host of personal health issues going on and she may not want to discuss her vagina with you.
It is hard getting everyone dressed/ready when there's more than one & with a newborn it takes 10x longer. Maybe that coupled with sleep deprivation is just too much for them to want to think about?
2 of my 3 were born mid December & the first time we stayed home, but last year with my 2 week old we went to in-laws. Tbh saved us cooking/cleaning & I just sat on the couch BF the baby the whole time.
Each to their own but I can understand how you could be pissed off. Maybe do as PP suggested & cook the meal & drop it around? I'd have been forever thankful if someone had done that for me with a newborn.
I understand you're pissed passed off but I'd go easy on them too.
I can barely remember what the new born stage was like, I was in such a haze. I think it quite likely that I'd be enthusiastic at the thought of a spot of socialising but when it came down to it...totally overwhelmed by the reality. And of course as a PP has said, they have a newborn and another child now.
It's the 'casually' cancelling that really isn't on. Different if they called to apologise and explain why it would be difficult... And they really should have thought about all the prep and expense you will have had.
Put as much as you can in the freezer and invite them round in a few weeks. Relax, you invited them because they're family and you'd like to see them, no?
It is late to cancel and I would also be feeling disappointed, upset and annoyed BUT I have a 3 month old and a 19 month old and have to say having a newborn with a toddler is SO different to just having a newborn!
We now have 2 babies that don't sleep well and a toddler that wrecks the house faster than we can tidy it and wants attention every time we go near the newborn.
I know it's hard but I think you're going to have to accept it and cut them some slack.
YANBU to be frustrated about the wasted time and expense. But if I understand your OP correctly baby is only a couple of weeks old, is that right? If so then I can understand why they've cancelled. She may not be recovering from the delivery as quickly as anticipated, she may have PND, there could be things going on that they don't feel able to share. You say they've known this for 9 months but I do think it's difficult to anticipate how you will feel (physically and emotionally) after giving birth as every birth and baby is different.
Maybe they're really struggling.
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