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AIBU?

To think these single parents don't hold the monopoly on difficult parenting...

127 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 06/01/2014 20:59

My friend and I were at a local mother and toddler group this morning and we were having a private conversation regarding her on going situation with her partner. Don't want to go in to details but the basics, he works away a lot. Doesn't contribute much in the way of finances (apart from rent), emotional support, practical support even when he is home.

My friend started to get a little upset and I was aware that 2 women were able to overhear the conversation and suggested leaving and her coming to mine for a coffee to talk properly. She agreed and then said sometimes I feel like I'm a single parent, and it's tough.

Well woah did these women not rip her to shreds. She was already upset and they didn't pull any punches saying, she has no idea how hard it is to be a single parent and the long and short was man up and she was selfish. I told my friend to get her son and I would meet her outside.

I politely suggested that the women should keep their nose out of a conversation they overheard and were not directly involved in and that actually they were unaware of the full circumstances therefore really should not comment.

I am not for one second saying the two situations are the same there are obvious differences but she was just saying that was how she sometimes felt. I also don't think single parents have an easy time of it, neither to people in my friends position or even people in stable loving family's. We all have problems, I know not all single parents have this attitude but this isn't the first time I have came across women/men with this attitude.

This isn't so much as a AIBU as it is a bit of a whinge and wondering others opinions...?

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Gossipmonster · 06/01/2014 21:01

My sister thinks being a single parent is no different to having a husband who works long hours Hmm.

No we do not have the Monopoly at all and parenting if difficult whatever.

YABU to compare the two.

Ask yourself how you would cope if your DP left you tomorrow.

PS: The emotional support is pretty crucial btw.

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MeepMeepVrooooom · 06/01/2014 21:03

I am a single parent. My daughter has no contact with her father and we get no financial support.

I don't think I compared them, the two women did and I specifically said in OP that the situations aren't the same

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FortyDoorsToNowhere · 06/01/2014 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinisterSal · 06/01/2014 21:04

Well having a partner is not like being a single parent. Because there are two of you. Earning the money is part of parenting too, yes it's hard if the roles are demarcated that rigidly, because no one feels they get a break and it's a bit of a drudge and relentless

They other women shouldn't have ear wigged, of course, and definitely not laid into her - but they are not wrong.
That's the U bit, imo.

Single parenting is harder than joint parenting. That's assuming that the other party is actually parenting, not just creating extra work and tension.

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 06/01/2014 21:04

Sounds like your friend would be better off as a single parent tbh. And I say that as a single parent.

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FloozeyLoozey · 06/01/2014 21:05

I think she went wrong when she said she feels like a single parent. She doesn't. Otherwise, she is not being unreasonable.

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theeternalstudent · 06/01/2014 21:05

The other women were rude and shouldn't have interrupted.

The who has it worst argument is rather silly and completely subjective. I'm a single parent and think I have it easy, but then I have just one DD and a supportive family.

Another thing about being a single mum is that I had to go back to work when DD was one and so thankfully missed out on having to attend mother and toddler groups!

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MeepMeepVrooooom · 06/01/2014 21:06

as they get lovely long weekends child free

How naive and ignorant

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SinisterSal · 06/01/2014 21:08

It's not naive and ignorant.

it's true for a lot of people.

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RandomMess · 06/01/2014 21:09

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't help and isn't emotionally supportive and doesn't actually parent is very tough going Sad All the compromising and adapting without the rewards of a true partner.

Very different situations both can very difficult.

Can't believe they were so cruel to rip anyone to shreds how awful of them.

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FloozeyLoozey · 06/01/2014 21:10

"as they get lovely long weekends child free"

ha yes, because all non resident parents have their children every single weekend at the minimum and pay their dues in child support Hmm

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theeternalstudent · 06/01/2014 21:10

as they get lovely long weekends child free

Unfortunately DD's father isn't involved in her life and so no lovely long weekends child free here either. However, if he was I would hate her being away at weekends. Pretty silly thing to say really.

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MrsRogerSterling · 06/01/2014 21:11

FortyDoors that's a bit of a sweeping statement to assume all single parents get "lovely long weekends".

I am a single parent and have my children 7 days a week, no free weekends for me and many other single parents Hmm

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SinisterSal · 06/01/2014 21:12

It's not silly, naive or ignorant.

It's true for some people and many of those people like it. many of the ones that don't learn to appeciate it, since it can't be helped.

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FreudiansSlipper · 06/01/2014 21:12

having a lie in every weekend means very little when you are missing you child being at home

i ache for my ds at times :(

not true for any single parent i know that misses their child when away from them

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IneedAwittierNickname · 06/01/2014 21:13

As a single parent, I agree with the women although they should have kept their opinions to themselves.

Although your friend doesn't get much in the way of emotional support, I get the absolute opposite. My ex tells anyone will will listen, including the dc what a best parent I am. (i appreciate this isn't true of all single parents)

I could say a single parent has it easier, as they get lovely long weekends child free, well maybe some do. Last time I was meant to have a weekend to myself, ex decided he couldn't pick them up until 4pm on sat, done I thought and planned a rare evening out, celebrating my best friends engagement. At 3.45 (yes that's right, 15 mins before he was due, when the dc were sat with costs and shoes on) he text to say it wasn't convenient Angry

Sorry, projecting a bit there, and a bit ranty Blush

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desertgirl · 06/01/2014 21:13

For me, being a single parent 'for real' is a heck of a lot easier than co-parenting with my ex was (but no, I don't get those child free weekends either, or financial support). You can't compare in generalisations, even if it were possible to say that person A has it harder than person B. And they should have kept their beaks out of it!

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GertyD · 06/01/2014 21:13

Having been a single parent with DS1 and now coupled up with DS2, I can honestly say there are pluses and minus' to both. It really depends on circumstances.

However, I would have struggled not to slap those two women. They sound like they were looking for an argument. Twats.

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MeepMeepVrooooom · 06/01/2014 21:14

SinisterSal

Not many parents like waving their children off for a weekend. They miss their children, and it isn't for most single parents a time to kick up their heels and have fun. For one their finances wouldn't allow it. It means for the majority a long weekend feeling quite alone and missing their little one's.

So it is naive to have said that. My friends in this position don't grudge their ex's time but they do miss their kids on those weekends.

I don't get any free weekends ever as I don't have an ex husband who is capable or even interested in looking after DD so to generalize in that way about single parents is ignorant and it is naive.

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OBehaveMaeve · 06/01/2014 21:15

What a really strange observation.

I'm content now, but I still have my children 50 weeks out of 52 and the maintenance (absent totally for six years) is sporadic.

Still, I wouldn't swap with 90% of married women.

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blackandwhiteandredallover · 06/01/2014 21:15

The point is, these women muscled in on a private conversation! So they were being very rude and had no business commenting.

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Monetbyhimself · 06/01/2014 21:15

Tell you what Sinister, you pack your children off every other weekend, perhaps to an Ex who has been abusive and who is now living with some random woman who has helped to tear your family apart, you hand them over at Christmas and on their birthdays, you pack them off on those weekends and you start into all the DIY, paperwork, food shopping,housework, decorating and perhaps paid work that you have to find time for on top of caring for your children. Then try and catch up on the full weeks sleep that you've lost because the kids have all had chest infections and have been awake all night.

You do all that every weekend for the rest of your life and suddenly a spa weekend in a poncey hotel is a slightly different priority.

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MeepMeepVrooooom · 06/01/2014 21:16

Sorry SinterSal tI assumed you were the original posted but the sentiment is the same... To both you and forty

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Gossipmonster · 06/01/2014 21:17

I do 100% of everything for my DC.

Their dad has them 4 days a month.

Yes so lucky!! Hmm.

I do Xmas and birthdays and all special occasions being the only adult and I have to juggle my full time job with all Drs, dentists appts and parents eves and school stuff, and make all the desicions (parties/piercings/sleepovers) and carry the guilt if I get it wrong without having anyone to talk it through with who is equally responsible.

I think it's naive to say it's easier with just one adult if you haven't experienced it.

I would rather have shared their lives with their dad but life didn't work out like that.

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OBehaveMaeve · 06/01/2014 21:19

I really feel for women who are on the start of this 'single motherhood' journey. I feel so fortunate to have the first seven years of it under my belt. To have lived and learned and recovered financially, emotionally, practically and to have forgiven and forgotten what went on before. I really wish nothing but strength and happiness to any single mother who has recently become a single mother and I'd hate to thing that any recent single mother read this and shuddered at the notion that there'd be people out there wishing her a harder time of it all!

If you think life with your husband is so hard that you think it's comparable to life as a single mother, and your solution to that is to wish a harder life upon single mothers, then leave your husband and seek counselling.

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