To think these single parents don't hold the monopoly on difficult parenting...

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

My friend and I were at a local mother and toddler group this morning and we were having a private conversation regarding her on going situation with her partner. Don't want to go in to details but the basics, he works away a lot. Doesn't contribute much in the way of finances (apart from rent), emotional support, practical support even when he is home.

My friend started to get a little upset and I was aware that 2 women were able to overhear the conversation and suggested leaving and her coming to mine for a coffee to talk properly. She agreed and then said sometimes I feel like I'm a single parent, and it's tough.

Well woah did these women not rip her to shreds. She was already upset and they didn't pull any punches saying, she has no idea how hard it is to be a single parent and the long and short was man up and she was selfish. I told my friend to get her son and I would meet her outside.

I politely suggested that the women should keep their nose out of a conversation they overheard and were not directly involved in and that actually they were unaware of the full circumstances therefore really should not comment.

I am not for one second saying the two situations are the same there are obvious differences but she was just saying that was how she sometimes felt. I also don't think single parents have an easy time of it, neither to people in my friends position or even people in stable loving family's. We all have problems, I know not all single parents have this attitude but this isn't the first time I have came across women/men with this attitude.

This isn't so much as a AIBU as it is a bit of a whinge and wondering others opinions...?

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

FortyDoors I think it says a lot that you apologised for the post and explained what you meant.

[IneedAwittierNickname]

Forty I'm sure lots of us have typed something on the spur of the moment, and then realised once or was too late what we had said!
The apology means a lot, and there are pros and cons to lone and joint parenting.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

jacks365 I'm glad it's not just me haha. I think I am fluent in toddler

[Mim78]

They were v wrong to eavesdrop and to have a go at your friend when they were not party to the conversation.

So yanbu.

Most single parents do have it harder than your average joint parent - that must be a given. However like most things, it won't always be the case. Someone with an abusive partner clearly has a worse time. Someone with a partner who does nothing and gives no emotional support probably can be compared to a single parent but without the autonomy, which I imagine can be a plus side of single parenting ( though at times of course it is also difficult to have to make all the decisions).

If being a single parent was always harder who would ever ltb?

However these women had no idea of the full situation they were butting in on and so the answer to your question is clearly yanbu.

[jacks365]

meepmeep you are lucky our toddler groups aren't restarting till next week.

[lestagal78]

They both have their own challenges. I was a total lone parent with dd1, no lovely long weekends or financial support but ahe was my main focus. I had gps to take over when I needed a couple of hours off.

Fast forward and I have to maintain a relationship as well as look after dc. Yes I have financial help and I can go out for a couple of hours but I do everything for more dc and older dc. The gps no longer help as I have a dp.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Being a parent can be a difficult job - whether you are single or with a partner. I don't see the need to compete in this way. Why does one need to be harder? It's all situational anyway - everyone is different.

Is breast feeding vs bottle feeding getting boring or something? Needed something different to argue about?

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

jacks are your termtime run also? I'm in Scotland and where I stay the schools went back today so the groups are back in full force now (although back to work tomorrow shouldn't complain but just can't help it haha)

[starlight1234]

I am a single parent , My DS hasn't seen his dad for 3 years...I have no family except a sister who visits a few times a year.

Yes life is easier without Ex..he was abusive, we don't walk on egg shells... Financially I am far better off than ex spending our money on drugs despite getting £10 a fortnight CSA.

I work full time so my only time to myself is 1 1/2 hours a week when DS is at Beavers..

I am happier than ever was with my ex but it does really annoy me the " I feel like a single parent" statement as until it happens you have no idea..

It isn't a it is worse than a different situation...It is this idea that I have been on my own all week..I am a single parent..no its not ,it s a few days not been in each others physical presence...

[girliefriend]

Op I love your username - got to love roadrunner

Anyhoo yes very rude of the other women to comment on a conversation they were not a part of. I am a lone parent, dd has no contact with her dad and I do get a bit twitchy when married mums make comments about 'feeling like a single parent' when their husband works long hours.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

AliceinWinterWonderland I have said the OP wasn't meant to come across as a lone parent vs non lone parent debate. It was more about these two specific women thinking they had the right to dismiss my friends situation on the grounds of what she said to me (not them) about feeling like a single parent. I am a single parent and don't have an issue with what she said so don't see why two people who don't know her would. And even if they did, why they would express their opinion on it.

[float62]

Oh, my apologies, meep - the big definitely to any scenario being easier is other 'support' so I can see why your friend is concerned [This isn't about the rude women now, but your friend]. Family or friends, outside support for parents is vital for full-life participation - particularly if you are parenting alone - friends who 'care' but who have plenty of their own responsibilities are soothing but can't help in the day to day. If there's no one else there, each day becomes another day, for weeks, months, years on end - another day when you couldn't take a little rest or break when you really needed to, so you are constantly knackered, for years. And if you can't ever get out to meet people it becomes self-perpetuating, until finally when your child is old enough to be left alone you venture out, a worn-out husk of your former self, barely capable of adult speech, into an unrecognisable world.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

girliefriend Aw thanks I'm considering a legal change, do you think it would stick?

I can understand it why people do and in some situations I might even find myself thinking really?! But I would never say it unless asked specifically. However in her situation I actually can see a lot of similarities. He is very rarely home and when he is it does sound like she doubles her children for that period. The toddler and the man child.

[justmuddlingalongsomehow]

A whole tin of from me. More tea vicar?

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

float62

I do see where you are coming from with that. I think I found leaving my husband a lot easier knowing I had a strong family unit to support me and DD emotionally (and we stayed for a couple of week while I waited on keys to new flat). I can almost 100% say I would have tried against all my instincts to stick it out a bit longer with ex if I hadn't had them. I think most people fear going it alone and I think this fear can only be intensified if you don't have a strong support network around you and you are a long long way from the country you class as your home.

[GroupieGirl]

YABU for thinking the lives of single parents and couples who parent are in any way the same. They are not - one person is not two people.

I think you've missed the point float (I don't think you're the only one, just the one who phrased it so succinctly).

The point is that any one person is not any other one person. Parenting (regardless of whether it is by one, two, or a fucking village) should not be compared. My shoes and all that...

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

justmuddlingalongsomehow ??

[MrsMarigold]

Interesting. I'm married but my DH works very hard - frequently till 2am - always six days a week. I spend a lot of time waiting around in the hope we'll see him. I have no family here apart from my children and I literally never have a minute to myself. When my DH is around I feel like we must have a good time and he does nothing at home, not even lifting a sock off the floor.

Evenings are lonely as are Sundays, because DH is always busy and has missed so many social events we never get invited to anything anymore but I love him.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

MrsMarigold

It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in.

[SinisterSal]

Because it's so hard to quantify we tend to overlook the importance of emotional support. It's so hard to do 'Practical Parenting' without it. I suppose that's where the variation is really, some married people have none, some single parents do.

The practicalities and financial aspects of parenting vary a lot too but we are better able to define them so there is less scope for argument. (Though still plenty - see infinite MN threads about that too )

[annieorangutan]

I agree with you op. It all depends on individual situations. I know lots of single parents who have every weekend for going out and hols away and lots of couples who dont and vice versa.

[JupiterGentlefly]

Bloody hell float62 you summed it up perfectly. Wish I could put your post on a tshirt. Still my bad my fault for my 'poor choices' in relationships. Shoot me now. Fwiw other readers eldest is 10 had 3 weekends without them ever. No maintenance either.
Still look on the bright side I will be a sprightly 50 ++before I get my 'long weekends' still as I said. . My bad..

[HowlingTrap]

I would put good money on women with.useless partners having harderlives than single parents, because your partner essentially becomes you're child.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

HowlingTrap I think that is just another generalization and an over simplification of the realities of parenthood. This isn't always the case neither is single parents have it harder. Everyone's situation is different.

[HowlingTrap]

Of course its a generalisation cant speak for everyone byt if a husband is unavailable emotionally physically mentally not generous financially, but still expects.you to dote on him? ....I thinks that dreadful, I would much rather be on my own where I can put my kids first and not have someone draining every inch of my will to live and simultaneously demand they are put first.