To think these single parents don't hold the monopoly on difficult parenting...

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

My friend and I were at a local mother and toddler group this morning and we were having a private conversation regarding her on going situation with her partner. Don't want to go in to details but the basics, he works away a lot. Doesn't contribute much in the way of finances (apart from rent), emotional support, practical support even when he is home.

My friend started to get a little upset and I was aware that 2 women were able to overhear the conversation and suggested leaving and her coming to mine for a coffee to talk properly. She agreed and then said sometimes I feel like I'm a single parent, and it's tough.

Well woah did these women not rip her to shreds. She was already upset and they didn't pull any punches saying, she has no idea how hard it is to be a single parent and the long and short was man up and she was selfish. I told my friend to get her son and I would meet her outside.

I politely suggested that the women should keep their nose out of a conversation they overheard and were not directly involved in and that actually they were unaware of the full circumstances therefore really should not comment.

I am not for one second saying the two situations are the same there are obvious differences but she was just saying that was how she sometimes felt. I also don't think single parents have an easy time of it, neither to people in my friends position or even people in stable loving family's. We all have problems, I know not all single parents have this attitude but this isn't the first time I have came across women/men with this attitude.

This isn't so much as a AIBU as it is a bit of a whinge and wondering others opinions...?

[SinisterSal]

You are the one making the sweeping statements and generalising now, MeepMeep. It could be seen as naive and ignorant to say parents don't like it. Some do, and look forward to it. Some don't, but learn to live with it and even plan things so they can enjoy their time. And it's not always long weekends, it's often just overnights, sometimes infrequent. Anyone that's ever had a night out since their kids were born would know what it's like to appreciate a night off.

[SaucyJack]

I could say a single parent has it easier, as they get lovely long weekends child free, where Dh and I haven't even been away on our own since DS birth almost 8 years ago.

Nothing to stop you taking it turns to have a child-free weekend to yourself. Of course, you'll be on your own- but then single parents are too if and when the kids go to their dad's.

[wannaBe]

it's not a contest.

even single parenting is not a defined concept - some single parents are single in
that they are no longer with their children's father (or mother) but the other parent is very much still in the children's lives and yes, get weekends free which most couples do not. Others are entirely single and have no support from family and the absent parent has no ongoing relationship with the children thus meaning all the parenting is done by one person.

Equally though many married parents have no emotional support from the other party and there are certainly enough threads on mn that show that finances are not always joint and that the sahm is e.g. expected to financially support the children from cb/tax credits. Add into that the husband working away a lot/having an active social life/never being home and yes, it certainly can feel like being a single parent.

Being a single parent certainly doesn't entitle one to a badge of hard done-byness or the right to claim that they have it harder just because there isn't another parent in the equation.

Oh, and listening to someone else's conversation and having a go is just bloody rude.

[PoppyFleur]

This was a private conversation and none of anyone's business. Your friend made a comment for your ears only, the only people that should have been offended were you & your friend for having your privacy invaded.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

Did I say all don't like it? No I never.

[wannabestressfree]

Forty I feel quite offended at what you wrote. When I had my sons I was quite happy not to have child Free weekends (isn't that what you and your dh signed up for?). If not get a sitter.....
My ex husband has them when he feels like it (he works abroad). Well I say has 'them' he takes the two younger and leaves the mentally ill one at home with me.....
Also as he works abroad he is exempt from CSa

[SinisterSal]

That could apply to you too Monet - I crossed with your last.

Your situation does sound like shit, but not everyone's is like that. People whose ex's are decent people, good parents who do the best for their kids wouldn't necessarily dread contact visits would they? Lots of people do appreciate the break. Why shouldn't they f they know the NRP is good to them and the kids enjoy it? I appreciate the situation you have outlined is not like that though , but I never said it was the same for everybody

[SinisterSal]

But I never said all either, MeepMeep.
There are too many variable really.

[OBehaveMaeve]

Gossipmonster, yeah, 352 days a year I put my children to bed. I find that so time-consuming and relentless. Just every. single. night.

Also, the idea that two parents living apart co-parenting makes life easier is really flawed. For a start, the couple has usually split and the relationship is usually acrimonious and stressful. Running two households is financially beyond what most people can manage. Even though my x made my life HELL for years after I left him, I wouldn't say that he had it 'easy' because he got a lie in every weekend. ~Even though he was a tightwad deadbeat arse to me, he wasn't happy. He wasn't having it easy either.

[GlitzAndGiggles]

I'm not a single parent but know full well many do NOT get "long weekends child free". Pure ignorance

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

Actually you said that the original statement from Forty wasn't naive or ignorant. She did imply every single parent get's this.

[OBehaveMaeve]

I have noticed though, since things got better for me (and they have) there are some people that don't like it! I think they had me filed under single parent-somebody to pity, and now I have recovered financially and got a job and I'm happy and content and the x takes the children sometimes, there are very definitely a few people that don't like that. Not friends. Just acquaintances.

[jacks365]

Quick straw poll how many single parents on th I s thread who get weekends to themselves actively look forward to doing fun things on those weekends.

Of course I can't answer because in the many years since my marriage broke up he has never had them for more than a few hours and he hasn't seen them at all this century.

It's different not necessarily harder or easier but the pressure and expectations are different from being a lone parent and part of a couple. You really can't compare them. They were still rude to interrupt though.

[Gossipmonster]

Obehavemeave

Totally agree.

[Lairyfights]

OP, I think the two single mothers who butted in your conversation were so rude. I hate all this competitive mothering; 'my life is harder than your life' 'single parenting is the hardest type of parenting' 'single parents get weekends free.' It is all stupid, and pointless. Why do women feel the need to compete like this? If them women felt the need to interrupt - why couldn't they just say something nice about hoping things turn around soon, and to give your child a hug. Just something, anything, supportive.

Or you know, we could just all go to a great big hunger games type arena and fight it out for who has the most difficult job of parenting

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

jacks Not me (never have)

[PrimroseLodge]

Yanbu. Those two women were rude to listen to your conversation and beyond rude to say anything to your friend. It's none of their business.

Who can judge how hard someone else is finding things? There are so many variables.

Is it harder to be a parent in a relationship where the partner works long hours and there is no extended family nearby or to be a single parent with supportive and local grandparents and siblings? The former could feel far more isolated than the latter.

[SinisterSal]

This is turning into a row where there needn't be one.

Like I said, there are too many variables when it comes to parenting. For some their own set up works, for others not at all. For most there are pluses and minuses.

Just so you know my very first post said that single parenting was generally harder.

[OBehaveMaeve]

Poppyfleur is right, but I don't think this thread is about that. I don't know why you'd start it if you're a single parent yourself, as you must know that even if co-parenting is amicable, it's still hard, and the adjustment from being married mother and a family to being that much maligned object of pity and scorn; a single mother, it's a really hard adjustment to make without losing one's sense of self and self worth in a world that excludes single parents and encourages them to feel worthless and hopeless.

[Monetbyhimself]

Forty doors post, which you have defended, very clearly refers to all single parents having lovely, long weekends. How many lone parents do you actually 'know' ?

[GroupieGirl]

I'm going to buck the trend slightly, and suggest that there are things for me about parenting as a couple that are harder than when I was on my own. But, and I think this is a fairly big but, I was a single parent first. So for me the adjustment was getting used to having someone else around, rather than vice verse.

But regardless of my own situation i think a) eavesdropping and commenting on others' conversations is rude, and you shouldn't give them a moment's more thought; and b) parenting is different for everybody and judging/comparing helps no one.

[wannaBe]

there's a lot of projecting going on on this thread.

Many ex's aren't involved in their children's lives, but many are. Many "single" parents do still co parent, and many children do spend alternate weekends with their other parent. No it's not nice waving your children off for the weekend, but if your ex is a good parent (and being an ex doesn't preclude someone from being a good parent) and your children are happy and well looked after then, while it can sometimes be lonely, it equally gives those parents a chance to have a relaxing bubble bath/go to the shops with no kids in toe/meet up with friends at times that otherwise wouldn't be possible. the fact that not all single parents have a co parenting situation doesn't mean that it doesn't exist and that all single parents should fall under a banner of those who have it harder than everyone else.

[BillyBanter]

Considering quite a few women are single parents because they came to the conclusion it was preferable to sticking with their (abusive) partners then sometimes being a single parent is not tougher than having the father around. Plenty of mothers have supportive ex partners co-parenting with them.

Anyway ripping into someone for such an anodyne if possibly naive comment while they are obviously upset was very rude. They should have just shut the fuck up and kept their noses out. Unless they knew her full circumstances then they couldn't say that it was harder for them. It's not a competition and she was obviously having a hard time at that moment.

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

Lairy I totally agree with you. I am a single mother and I find it quite easy to be honest. i am financially stable and me and my DD have a ball. I don't have any input from her Dad but it suits us fine. And I wouldn't in a million years swap with my friends situation right now. I don't understand the we've got it worse, no we have it worse. I think we are all parents and all have good a bad times and rather than bring the other half down just support and be there regardless.

[SinisterSal]

Monet those situations do exist. I didn't take the implication from Forty's post that all single parents get this, (though I can see how it could be taken).
But some do. That is it, really.