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Not to be happy about their offer?

(192 Posts)
Mahraih Fri 06-Aug-10 10:10:18

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1) DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
2) I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
3) I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
4) What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
5) My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.

I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.

Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.

I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.

AIBU?

sanielle Fri 06-Aug-10 10:14:41

Are you both living together in rented accommodation now? or with his parents?

I find it odd that they would want to separate a young family like that.. Really odd. If they have the money to offer they could give it to you anyway with out first interfering so think I wouldn't trust it at all.

So YANBU

moogster1a Fri 06-Aug-10 10:14:49

Why is the offer dependant on you moving in with your mum and dad? can't you ( and husband) be saving whilst still living together.
I think asking you to be apart for the first few months of your bab's life is weird and there's no way I'd go along with it.

theskiinggardener Fri 06-Aug-10 10:15:06

No! They think it's better for you to raise the child mostly alone for 6 months than live in rented accommodation for a bit longer! They are nuts.

YANBU

bigstripeytiger Fri 06-Aug-10 10:16:01

I dont think that you sound unreasonable at all.

If they really wanted to help you then they can do that without effectively setting a pre condition of you and your partner living apart for 6 months.

sanielle Fri 06-Aug-10 10:16:48

Also one last thing it really shouldn't matter if DP is the one who puts down the most money for a house or not. If you are both together it is your money too. Everything in the same pot, why are you worried that you would be vulnerable? general paranoia, or are you thinking things may not work out with you and DP?

GiddyPickle Fri 06-Aug-10 10:17:44

YANBU - if they want to offer financial help then it does not bode well that they are already showing a "strings attached" attitude that would basically leave you with a new baby and little support and leave you and DH in a vulnerable position in the future and possibly split you up.

I would be wary of accepting huge sums from family in the first place and even more so if they have such unfair stipulations about it.

They sound as if they are very much using the money to cause maximum trouble and prise you and DH apart.

LIZS Fri 06-Aug-10 10:19:11

yanbu - it sounds as if they would like to control your relationship. How far away would you be , do they expect to see gc ? I'm assuming you are not married so would effectively have little claim on any savigns or property. Do they have a history fo offering money with strings ?

ConnorTraceptive Fri 06-Aug-10 10:19:45

YANBU sounds like very controlling people to me. DH's parents are like this. Very generous with help and money but also very vocal in the views and involve themselves in every aspect of dh's siblings lives.

They don't do it to us because we don't allow it.

Tell them thank you but no thank you. I think you are right to worry about how this will play out long term

MissAnneElk Fri 06-Aug-10 10:20:01

I think it's generous of your in laws to offer the money and I also like the idea of matching what you can save. BUT to suggest that you live apart for the first 6 months of your child's life just to save money is barking.

If it were me I'd refuse the offer or come to some other arrangement. Also, whatever happens make sure that you and your DH are joint owners of the home regardless of where the money comes from.

foureleven Fri 06-Aug-10 10:20:38

Who's name/s would the house be in?

And where will your DP live? Why do you have to move back home as part of the arrangement?

The first 6 months of parenthood is no walk in the park, I think you need to be together. Plus he'll miss out on a lot of bonding with the baby. I know that sometimes thi sis unavoidable (forces parents/ illness/ dicorce) but if you can help it I think he needs to be thre. I would resent him for not being involved in the sleepless nights, nappies, bottles etc... I think it would drive a wedge.

MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry Fri 06-Aug-10 10:21:41

Perhaps they are testing the strength of your relationship?

How about getting married? I'm sure then, his parents would not expect you to live apart.

Agingmumoftwins Fri 06-Aug-10 10:22:24

It sounds really weird to me.

I don't think separating your family in order to afford a house will offer any kind of 'stability' at all.

Also, many children are brought up in rented accommodation, and they have happy stable upbringings (in countries such as Germany most people rent rather than buying houses).

I would steer well clear of their 'offer'.

Lavitabellissima Fri 06-Aug-10 10:26:11

YADNBU

I would stand your ground, you have a long term plan with achievable goals. You are clearly capable of thinking about this rationally, and it is not in your family's best interests to split up!

To try and appease all sides though, and I'm sure it will be difficult to compromise. I would suggest that in 18 months, whenever you feel ready and in a financial position to buy that you accept his parents kind offer of money.

However make sure you buy the house in both names and just document that the extra money from his parents is his. This way if you ever were to split and profits on the house would be divided minus the money from his parents.

Good luck smile

Hassled Fri 06-Aug-10 10:26:27

You really really don't want to be starting a life with your partner and child under this sort of pressure and control - do what the hell you want, and if your child spends his entire childhood in a rented house, he will be none the worse for it. Thank them profusely, but decline. If your DP still has issues, show him this thread.

FoghornLeghorn Fri 06-Aug-10 10:27:52

It sounds to me like they are trying to drive a wedge but dress it up as nicely as possible. No way on this earth would I go for the offer.

IMHO being a family unit is far more important than owning your own home right now

milliemoosmum Fri 06-Aug-10 10:30:10

I think as you have said you don't get on with the parents it seems to me like they are trying to split you and your partner up. It is a very strange offer at best. I would politely decline and be quite wary of them in the future. They sound very controlling.

YANB even slightly U. And frankly it's not a generous offer. It's controlling and comes with far too many strings attached. And I don't think you are paranoid.

itsatiggerday Fri 06-Aug-10 10:30:31

Sounds like a lot of different issues.

First, I take it you're in the UK? No one in Europe for example seems to think there's a problem with renting throughout so not sure I'd accept their assessment that it's somehow bad for your family with a baby on the way.

Secondly, are you living together currently? Why would it help for you to move in with your family? Surely your DP will still have to pay rent on your place anyway? Agree with above, far worse for you all to be living separately during the first few months after the baby arrives than any issues with being in a rented place.

Thirdly, as you say, generous of them to help with a deposit but family offers like this have potential to become tricky esp where there are strings attached. You need to get to a place with your DP where you're both completely happy with the basis on which you're accepting any such offer and understand the implications in all circumstances incl ones you hope never happen - eg what happens if you split up / one of you dies / when you sell up and move, how is any rise in value or negative equity handled etc.

Not sure whether you ever plan to marry but esp if you don't, I would suggest you make sure you have up to date wills once the baby is born - if you have shared assets (eg you've both paid the mortgage even if the deposit was originally his) that will be a huge help but also to save any stresses with each other's families about what they think should happen, it's just easier if you both had agreed wishes legally listed. And you can make arrangements for guardianship of your child.

Sorry, it all sounds terribly heavy etc, but IME things like this can seem fine while everything stays as it is, but as soon as something unexpected happens it can become really hard.

If your DP doesn't understand why this is making you feel insecure, maybe you need to spend some time talking more generally about each of your families and relationships etc to be able to support each other.

Good luck and obviously IMO YANBU!

Loshad Fri 06-Aug-10 10:31:37

very odd offer imo, why not just offer to match what he saves if they can afford and want to do so. Makes me very hmm at their desire to seperate you at a time when you really need to be together, you will need your DP's support and he needs yours, and to get to know his child. i'd be wondering if they had a hidden agenda, and i'm not normally particularly suspicious (sp??).

TheCrackFox Fri 06-Aug-10 10:31:42

It sounds to me like they are trying to break you up. For controlling people (sounds like your inlaws) a favourite technique is using money.

IMO it is important for your baby to have his dad around. Whether that means living in a tent or a mansion.

FoxyRevenger Fri 06-Aug-10 10:32:07

Given that you don't really get along with them, it seems like their way of trying to separate you and your partner as much as possible, maybe in the hope of you two not staying together...don't do it!

twolittlemonkeys Fri 06-Aug-10 10:32:25

Another avoid from me. My FIL would make this sort of offer to us, he's very generous and I love him to bits even if he is barking at times, but FIL would never suggest we live apart for the time. He'd happily put us up so we could save or match our savings or similar (he has done similar things for DH's brothers when they couldn't otherwise get on the housing ladder and when he took early retirement, he gave us a nice lump sum for a deposit). I just think that anything whereby you have to live apart in those difficult early months of your baby's life can't be a good idea...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 06-Aug-10 10:32:39

I would decline.

My parents gave me a big deposit for my first house but it came with no strings attached.

Morloth Fri 06-Aug-10 10:32:51

Not a chance in hell.

You and your DP really need to talk, I wouldn't touch that money with a bargepole.

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