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Original poster

Please help me with this complicated childcare conundrum? Please, please! <begging tone>

179 replies

WideWebWitch · 26/07/2005 22:44

Oh god, it's long and complicated but please, read on and tell me what to do. Background: I have been looking for work for 7months. I need a job. I've just got a job, hurrah! Reasonably well paid, but it's a contract 3.5 hours drive from where I live with my 2 children (7.5yo ds and 20mos dd) and dp. Ds is ex dh's. We are still good friends and I love and get on with his mum, ex MIL (keeping up here?), who lives in London. Ex MIL is 1 hr drive away from my new contract and has offered to put me up AND look after my children! So my options for childcare are:

Ex MIL, who I love and who loves both my children, even though one of them is no blood relation to her. She has offered to look after dd (20mos) AND ds (7.5yo) AND put me up for not much money. Ds would be there to settle dd in and I would be there at the end of every day. So 3/4 of my family, i.e. ds, dd, I, will be together next week and the next few weeks over the summer holidays. Dp will stay in Bristol BUT will be able to do unlimited overtime and earn quite a bit more money (not as much as me, ha!, but still useful).

OR we find a nursery for dd now, if there is a place, in Bristol, where we live. But suddenly I disappear and am not around during the week AND she's in a strange place, i.e new nursery, plus her brother, ds, will be in London with me and will suddenly disappear from her life it will seem to her. But dp, her father, would drop and collect her and put her to bed every night in her own home.

Oh goodness, what would you do? Our options seem to be splittng our family up (i.e. dp lives alone until the end of the summer hols, the rest of us live in London) and keeping 3 of us together until the new term when dd will have to go into a nursery (yet to be found) and ds will go to after school club. Once my contract ends it might be extended or I will be at home again. Any advice welcome. TIA.

I can't not take the job, we need the money but any other thoughts or advice welcome. TIA.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 27/07/2005 00:23

Night all.

tortoiseshell · 27/07/2005 00:27

Hey www - if you're still there, only just seen all this - blimey! D'you fancy a walk tomorrow morning? Will phone you in the morning anyway. xxx

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/07/2005 07:08

Tortoiseshell, yes, we would be up for a walk if it was early ish - meeting friends later. Berries, you're right, it is easier to get a job if you've got a job and if I take this and something else comes up I can always try to negotiate that the other job offers me enough to make it worth walking away from the retention portion of this one. I need the job, have a large gap on my cv atm showing I've been out of work for 7months and this won't be for ever. Still not sure whether I'm taking both children with me next week, dp and I need to talk about it again.

OP posts:
katymac · 27/07/2005 07:45

Could you not rent a flat in MK (soul destroying I know)
Then commute Monday am, stay in flat Mon night to Thurs night and commute home Fir evening (with everyone else)
That way you could work evenings etc with no interruption and maybe (if it's possible) get the contract finished quicker?

Sorry if that's no use at all.....but it's what my dad did

tigermoth · 27/07/2005 08:03

Hi www, my 2ps worth

I'd accept the job, stay with MIL and review in two months' time.

It pays well and you need the money. It gives you something for your CV and fills a gap. It is (presumably) the best thing you've been offered in 7 months, so you know the job market is not fantastically bouyant at the moment. Your dp is ok about the MIL arrangement and can do more overtime. When the children come back in Septenber, your dp is ok about taking charge. All strong reasons to say yes - for now.

I think you should see this contract as a very tempory boost to cv and finances. For 9 months, I'd say more could go wrong. More likely relations would become strained with your MIL or dp. Throwing this in, but is there the remotest chance your MIL has offered to put you up because she hopes for a reconciliation between you and your ex dp? Then there's the prolongued absence from your children. Personally, I could stomach a few days a week, but not 5 days every week for many months. Your bosses might let you work some mondays and fridays from home, though.

I think you have to assume you won't be there long enough to get the retention bonus, and start looking for work nearer home as soon as you can.

It's not unusual for a man to work away from home like this, so I don't think there's any reason to feel especially guilty. And if you working takes off the financial pressure, this is good for family harmony. And you've been a SAHM for at least the last 7 months so your children have had you around lots and lots.

When I look back at my working life, there was a a period when I wasn't around that much - working long hours 6 days a week, knackered and good for nothing on my day off. There have also been times when I was a SAHM. It all balances out in the end IME. I could never permanently work those long hours again. it made me too depressed. But my sons were ok with their father. I missed them more than they missed me.

tigermoth · 27/07/2005 08:05

And if and when you arrive in MK, looking forward to seeing you in London!

Ladymuck · 27/07/2005 08:09

The flat option still leaves her with the challenge of childcare - the only option she has mentioned for ds is that he is with MIL. I've read the "option" is really around where dd is based - with www/MIL or dp/nursery.

I do feel for you. As I said before I would at least keep the kids together. Your dp is not a stanrger to them, and with weekend contact I think that you'll get through this fine (worked for us for 3 months).

pabla · 27/07/2005 08:49

WWW, if you stay with MIL you still have a long commute each day and probably be exhausted by the time you get back there. If the kids are staying there only for the summer holidays is it really worth settling your dd there for such a short length of time and then changing her again in afew weeks? I think I would consider putting her in a nursery straight away and ds in a holiday club. At 20 months she will be harder to settle anywhere than if she was a small baby and the least number of changes might be better.

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/07/2005 09:01

I know pabla, it's a hard one deciding that, whether to disrupt dd twice or not. No, the flat option wouldn't work and we've just decided - our priority for the next 6 months is earning money, that's it, everything else has to go on hold. And this job/mil cheap accom/childcare option will achieve that, I have to take it. Having watched ds and dd together this morning I do think dd will be fine at ex mils because a. ds will be there too b. I will be back every eve c. ex mil is lovely with children and will kiss her and cuddle her and be great with her and d. we will be all coming home to daddy/dp at weekends. Then when the new term starts the children will come back here and dp will be in charge and both children will at least be together mornings and after dp's work. It does mean finding a nursery/childminder but that was always going to be the case since we'd agreed we can't have one of us a sah and I can't be doing with the pressure of being the only woh when I'm only going for interim roles. In the meantime I won't take myself off the market and will hope something comes up in Bristol and it's all v short term. I THINK we're all going to try to live with that arrangement. Tigermoth, thank you. No, ex mil isn't under any illusions about ex dh, def not! I won't see him even (except for ds handovers) as he's the other side of London. Thanks everyone, this has really crystalised how I feel about this and the options.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 27/07/2005 09:14

can you not rent a house half-way between yours and DH's jobs? then you could take kids to MIL for childcare and both have a 90minute commute? or is that pants?

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/07/2005 09:14

pants but thanks anyway Twig!

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 27/07/2005 09:17

what does you dp do? Could he get a temp job near MK?

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/07/2005 09:20

Hmm, cd, he could but that's then moving completely, changing ds's schools, moving house (rental costs will be higher there too I assume because of proximity to London) for what is only a 6-9 month contract for me. And let's face it, the reason it IS a contract is that the whole office I'll be working in could be outsourced. So although I'm on a month's notice it COULD finish earlier if they outsource sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 27/07/2005 09:22

WWW .. how about this

do you have to be in office at all times or can you work from home?

if you could possibly do 3 or 4 days in the office and the others at home it might make the commute more bearable so if say you worked tues, weds and thursday in office .. you would just have to stay at MIL's on 2 nights a week

pants??

marthamoo · 27/07/2005 09:23

Have only skimmed the thread but fwiw, I agree with Scummy (of course - she has wisdom of epic proportions). I think the summer holidays are a no-brainer: stay with the lovely MIL, with both kids, see dp at weekends. It's only 2 months, it's do-able, and he'll be at work in the week anyway. Then review after the holidays - whatever you decide then your finances will be in better shape from you working, and dp doing overtime. In that time, keep looking for another job nearer to home (they say it's easier to find a job when you already have one...)

Cards on the table - it would break my heart to be away from my family all week for 6 months. But I would do it if I had no choice. I think the kids will be fine - but I think you'll find it desperately hard. It's useful to chew it over on MN but ultimately it's a decision only you and dp can make. Sorry, don't suppose that helps at all but you have my wholehearted support whatever you do.

CountessDracula · 27/07/2005 09:23

oh yes had forgotten about schools drat

Sounds like you have to do it really. Keep trying for another one nearer home!

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/07/2005 09:24

No, will have to be there...it would be lovely but won't work. And it's a 3.5 hr drive from home so will have to go to ex mils in London on Sunday nights OR get up at 4.30am, leave at 5.30am, can't be done really. From ex mils journey should be 1 hr or less, which is fine and usual (same as last contract and that was in Bristol!)

OP posts:
Twiglett · 27/07/2005 09:25

tough decisions witchy

you know what the right thing to do for your family is

congrats on landing a good contract though

computer connection with videophone and broadband set up at home and at MILs??

bundle · 27/07/2005 09:56

sorry if this has already been said, but can't you move en famille for your contract's duration?

oh and heaps of sympathy, re: MK. I worked in Telford once, equally confusing topography, but without the boulevard feel (ie couldn't find way home most nights for first 3 weeks there )

wordsmith · 27/07/2005 10:03

Is there anyone who works in MK who can testify to its loveliness? (I can't - I did have a client there once whom I visited frequently, but I often got into the car after a meeting and turned right instead of left and that was it - lost.)

WWW - sounds like you have chosen the lesser of all evils. good luck.

Issymum · 27/07/2005 10:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Twiglett · 27/07/2005 10:37

its in milton keynes oh sorry I didn't realise that

well there's no question, you'll just have to turn it down

milton keynes indeed, pah ... weird place

Easy · 27/07/2005 10:39

My sympathies.

Why can't we just win the lottery sso none of this is a problem.

Sorry you're in this position, it's a bit the same with us.

saadia · 27/07/2005 11:16

I would take up ex-MIL's offer. You could all still get together at weekends.

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/07/2005 14:01

Thanks Issymum. Don't worry, I didn't post here and not talk to dp too - he and I have talked and talked and talked about it and he is totally ok with whatever solution will make me happy. He's very secure and calm and reasonable and we will get through it I think: between MIL, dp, ex dh, my sister, etc me and my family have a lot of support really. I will keep looking though, of course. Thanks too easy and saadia and Moo and bundle and everyone who posted, it really helped crystallise things for me.

OP posts: