Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

A couple of comments were made around a glass of orange juice, no one was "harassed", well the HR meeting will determine whether the OP harassed this man she works with it looks like.

Was it definitely the chap who reported you? Not someone else present?

What were the reasons you gave not to drink? It’s possible HR are checking that you’re ok despite being a pregnant alcoholic with an infection.

@Backtoschooloncemore I'm a lawyer who specialises in discrimination law and ABoldStatement is right in what she said. You're coming up with hypotheticals doesn't change the fact that based on the info we had about the OP, the OP's scenario as were told about doe not have the same merits legally as the hypothetical scenario you gave.

I'm a black woman and I found it a bit offensive to be honest that you said the comments made to the OP were the same as clearly racist comments.

I also find it a little offensive that a couple of people who are IMO clearly not solicitors or barristers practising discrimination or employment law feel entitled enough to argue the law as if they know best and it's a simplistic area of law. It is not. Declaring someone may have a protected characteristic does not automatically make an act discriminatory. You've chosen to completely ignore the legal principles ABoldStatement referred to and instead chose to distract by widening the goalposts with hypotheticals.

"you know, reasons..." could quite easily be taken as an invitation to ask for details, you need a better line.

I doubt anything will come of the HR meeting, it is a storm in a teacup.
But I am flabbergasted that it escalated like that and OP only has herself to blame for that.

You didn't overreact and you answered his provocative question with the acerbity that it deserved. Thank you for communicating this on behalf of all non-drinkers who have had enough of giving generic answers whilst stifling the urge to throw our non-alcoholic drinks into their face for poking the bunny with moronic questions.

If anyone asked me why I wasn't drinking, I wouldn't even answer the question. It's out of order. I would diplomatically change the subject to something totally bland. If they asked again, I would make excuses and drift away, and then consider reporting that person to HR for harassment.

I’d go in with the view that he asked a personal inappropriate question which was initially politely shut down and then when that didn’t work more firmly shutdown. I would be clear that now hr is involved exactly how are they going to manage this man’s behaviour

Because she was there for work and he didn't know her so had no idea how welcome advances would be.

The more I read here, the more I think "mind your own business" or the slightly softer "none of your business" would have been the best response. I really hope someone has complained to HR about this blokes behaviour and you are being called as a witness

Based on your telling of this, he was a dick, or being kind, very obtuse, and you were unnecessarily combative. But as it was all very low level I wouldn't expect anything to come of it. Getting HR involved is more of him being a dick though, if it was him.

@DrLoveHandles have this thread removed!

I'd strongly suggest your explaining why his question felt inappropriate, especially at a work event. Explain you felt put on the spot and simply tried to explain without revealing anything personal, there are many reasons why people don't/can't drink.

I strongly suspect his ego was bruised and he went to HR so that he got their first. What a coward! After your reply to him, he simply should have apologised for asking the question in the first place.

Good luck!

What an utterly pathetic piece of shit he is 😂 Imagine an adult man running snivelling and whining because a woman didn't pander to him or let him harass her. What an absolute imbecile.

Don't go into that meeting alone. And don't go in apologetic either. Make it clear that you are allowed to respond in an adult fashion to someone asking personal and intrusive questions and point out that he made you feel extremely uncomfortable.

If they try to make something of this, ask if it's normal policy for women to be harassed by HR for not cravenly kowtowing to a man asking inappropriate questions because he wasn't sober.

This.

He's lucky you didn't throw your orange juice over him.

I rarely if ever drink and just tell the truth if asked, “I don’t like the taste of alcohol”. It’s a hard one to argue with.

Doubt I would say “Oh you know, reasons” because it is the sort of thing that will generate curiosity, and not just amongst the brass-necked of the world. OP does sound a bit reactionary, which I think she admits.

Whoever reported this to HR sounds like a shit stirrer. If it was the bloke himself, you’ve never met him before and had no prior beef. Pathetic of him.

It's absolutely intrusive questioning.
And what on earth are you talking about - "interview stage"?. Your post makes no sense. Have you been drinking?

I would say asking more than one question about alcohol consumption is intrusive. Not necessarily because the individual answering has a problem with alcohol, but because the questioner should have more social awareness around a topic that can absolutely be a very common addiction.

One general question, 'Not drinking today?' is only borderline acceptable. More than one question is definitely unacceptable. It is intrusively pushing for a 'No, I'm a recovering alcoholic.' or conversley 'I'm pregnant.' statement which is absolutely not acceptable in any situation (because revealing that information should be completely up to the person themselves).

The questioner should 1) have read the room (one avoidant answer) and 2) had more awareness of how to conduct themselves in a work (despite the drinking) environment. The questioner is the one that needs speaking to about their conduct IMO.

Exactly that- To be honest a one of my questions would be - what is the culture of this workplace? Not public sector obviously because there's no way there would be alcohol at a work event.
I was asking myself- why are they drinking?

Work social events are classed as an extension to the workplace in terms of employees’ behaviour, and for HR to call you in it means that the person (or another in the group who heard the conversation) has complained.

Your behaviour, whilst not ideal, really doesn’t sound too bad though. HR will ask you for your side of the story as they have a duty to investigate the complaint, but the worst result that will come out of it is likely to be a verbal warning.

Do people report everything to HR now? Surely there's some sort of triage of complaints? He shouldn't be asking personal questions in the first place. Where I work it's so drummed into us not to ask personal questions that we barely get past mumbling good morning to each other. Which admittedly is probably too far the other way. Good luck OP.

HE could have said ‘fair enough’ when she said ‘reasons’. Both ‘could’ have said and done things differently but he initiated and then pushed a potentially sensitive area of conversation and she was reacting on the spot.

I'm raging on your behalf OP at the situation. It was bad enough and then when you said you didn't know him at all.

I'd be so tempted to turn up to the meeting from the position that you're a witness to someone else's complaint about him. And then look really surprised/confused if it's about you, demonstrating just how unreasonable he's been. That it didn't occur to you that it was you who'd be unprofessional.

It's so intrusive to ask why someone doesn't drink and you responded appropriately. Maybe HR could send him on a course about keeping his nose out of personal stuff. He needs to learn that lesson, and from your employer's point of view before he gets your employer into trouble with their failure to prevent sexual harassment. I bet he's one of these people who likes to guess if women are pregnant and make their news all about him.

I think fuck him. He shouldn’t have asked you that. You hadn’t even met him before

I would have probably said something awful like “ last time I had a drink I shat the bed” you handled it well.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all. Putting an inquisitive man in his place politely is something more women need to skill up on.
in your shoes I’d go to HR without apology or contriteness. If anything you should be the one complaining for his lack of boundaries.