Update on daughter’s job search and strained relationship at home.

[Bluelagoon02]

Just over a year ago, in a moment of total desperation, I reached out on this forum and allowed myself to open up about my family situation, particularly regarding my daughter's inability to find work. I created two threads and received an incredible amount of support. Many people came forward with ideas, and a couple even offered to speak directly with her. I truly felt touched by most people kindness.

I always wanted to come back and provide an update.
Thanks through some networking she managed to find a part-time job with a local family company, but unfortunately the role is only part-time. This means she hasn't yet been able to leave home and become fully independent.

On a positive note, she was also offered a position teaching English in South Korea, but after careful consideration, she decided to decline it. Similarly, she had to turn down a job in Barcelona, which not only offered a very low salary but also appeared to have the potential for a toxic working environment. Having said that, she was prepared to go anyway, but felt incredibly guilty about leaving her current part-time job at such short notice. Being loyal sometimes has its disadvantages.

So here I am again, living with a very frustrated, unhappy, socially isolated young woman and our broken relationship. I have tried so hard to offer support, but all my efforts and suggestions have been rejected or gone unappreciated.

Sadly, I am unable to follow the excellent advice of Mel Robbins, who says that if a person doesn't want to listen to you, they won't—regardless of your efforts or good intentions.

There is a part of me that wishes I could go back to when she graduated in July 2024. Trust me, I wouldn't make half the mistakes I made during these last years.

If anybody has any suggestions on how to navigate through this difficult time, I’d be more than happy to hear them. As a result of this immense stress, my health has taken a bad turn.

Thank you

Not to be unkind as we all have our flaws as people and parents.

But judging by the way OP expresses herself, it is so obvious that there are enmeshment issues at home. I am picking up that this young adult is being closely watched by her mother and hasn't had the chance to rebel and stand on her own feet. It's as if mum is saying stand on your now feet but only if I approve what you're doing. All meant in the best interest of her adult child no doubt but OP's anxiety and yes, controlling tendencies will make for an ambivalent experience for the young woman at home. It's difficult to cut the umbilical cord if you have a well meaning helpful and kind mum who also controls you.

were your parents similar op?

I feel for you OP. My daughter has had similar issues, and it's difficult for all the family. When they are still living at home you do share their heartbreaks.

I understand why South Korea was rejected, but could she not get a job teaching English elsewhere? I did this in my youth and it was a fantastic and transformative experience. I don't especially like children, and didn't feel a vocation for teaching, but I liked the children I worked with (and also did some private adult classes), and I found it to teach for a year. Bear in mind that schools abroad do not have the problems of many schools here (lack of discipline, lack of interest in learning, etc.).

I think the OP recognises this to a certain extent, but it is phenomenally difficult to avoid this dynamic while the dd is living at home. This is why the Australia idea is a good one.

Australia sounds absolutely perfect. I wonder if OP has abandonment issues, if she is that worried.

It is phenomenally difficult to avoid this dynamic while the dd is living at home. I agree, I am not an overbearing person in general but as mothers we are used to being responsible for our dc and managing them and their lives when they are younger, more so if they are struggling.

I have to actively remind myself when I sense I am breathing down my YP's neck or overstepping and steering things I should not. They need space as well as discrete support. But after university it's high time to take a big step back and let them make their own choices, without constant discussions and influencing them.

one of my kids is a professional musician so I have plenty of experience of her going off and doing jobs with lots of risk attached including overseas and the other one is about to go to Canada for a year and he’s only 18. My job is to make sure they know they can call any time of the day or night and we will be there to help them. Do I worry, of course I do but I’m thrilled they are growing up and taking risks. Your very defensive prickly tone in your posts is what is making everyone think you have high anxiety yourself and that you are passing that on to your daughter albeit unconsciously.

DS 19 had an interview recently for a job linked to the airline industry and there were well over 20 candidates for the job. Entry level. He was only looking for part time work. It's so difficult getting a job as it is, your DD is lucky to have it. Such a hurdle even getting called for interview.

Something will crop up.

I have a 21 year old daughter (and other kids). We get along like a house on fire and yet what you have written about your daughter doesn’t apply. I know my daughter the way a parent knows their child and I would not use the language you are using which feels quite rigid and oppressive to me.

My daughter is away studying, has lived alone for college years including working away during a couple of summers. We love to do things together but she is very definitely her own person with her own life. My daughter has ASD which brings its own challenges but she is still more or less independent.

You sound very anxious and very enmeshed as a parent. This is undoubtedly having an effect on the codependency behaviours your daughter is exhibiting, I remember an interview with a therapist where she was seeing a teen and the teen very astutely told her that it was her parents that needed help that she was just a symptom of their problems. I really believe that is true in your situation too.

Indeed - that’s quite a startling perspective given she’s an adult

You sound completely suffocating. Sorry.

You wrote that Australia is too far away for you.
That just about sums it up.

OP, will not change her tune, hopefully her daughter will find her inner sass and step out of this codependent relationship with her mother. The world should be her oyster.

Totally agree.

Going to Australia will give the daughter the space she needs to spread her wings.

She needs to be working full time. Charge her market rate for a lodger and make her pull her weight around the house.