Update on daughter’s job search and strained relationship at home.

[Bluelagoon02]

Just over a year ago, in a moment of total desperation, I reached out on this forum and allowed myself to open up about my family situation, particularly regarding my daughter's inability to find work. I created two threads and received an incredible amount of support. Many people came forward with ideas, and a couple even offered to speak directly with her. I truly felt touched by most people kindness.

I always wanted to come back and provide an update.
Thanks through some networking she managed to find a part-time job with a local family company, but unfortunately the role is only part-time. This means she hasn't yet been able to leave home and become fully independent.

On a positive note, she was also offered a position teaching English in South Korea, but after careful consideration, she decided to decline it. Similarly, she had to turn down a job in Barcelona, which not only offered a very low salary but also appeared to have the potential for a toxic working environment. Having said that, she was prepared to go anyway, but felt incredibly guilty about leaving her current part-time job at such short notice. Being loyal sometimes has its disadvantages.

So here I am again, living with a very frustrated, unhappy, socially isolated young woman and our broken relationship. I have tried so hard to offer support, but all my efforts and suggestions have been rejected or gone unappreciated.

Sadly, I am unable to follow the excellent advice of Mel Robbins, who says that if a person doesn't want to listen to you, they won't—regardless of your efforts or good intentions.

There is a part of me that wishes I could go back to when she graduated in July 2024. Trust me, I wouldn't make half the mistakes I made during these last years.

If anybody has any suggestions on how to navigate through this difficult time, I’d be more than happy to hear them. As a result of this immense stress, my health has taken a bad turn.

Thank you

She considered that too. She applied virtually everywhere not just jobs related to her degree.

I have to agree with a previous post about you potentially feeding the anxiety. it’s unhelpful to say (even on here)you’ll be devastated if she goes to Australia. It’s not forever and it will be the making of her. Our difficult role as parents includes sometimes having to hold it all in and not leak what you’re really feeling

I know you found this poster harsh and direct and I haven’t read your other threads but from your OP, I have to completely agree with this part

the post reads as though you've become completely overinvested in your adult daughter's employment situation and are turning it into a much bigger problem than it actually is

You are extremely enmeshed in your adult daughter’s life and it is really damaging the relationship between you. There are career advisors, guidance counsellors and life coaches out there who could maybe provide your daughter with a bit of advice and direction but I suspect she feels that your advice is criticism at the stage your relationship is in.

You clearly love and care for your daughter but your part in your relationship with her is clearly damaging for both of you.

It’s all about you isnt it and your anxiety. Australia is too far away for you. Thats so sad you are restricting her like this.

I’ll bet you talked her out of Spain and S Korea too. And god knows how many ither jobs.

I understand what you're saying but at the same time it's ok and normal for her to feel anxious. It would be very very odd if she didn't feel some anxiety about the prospect of moving abroad.

I remember when I was moving abroad for the first time, aged 20, I was so scared that my hands were shaking as the plane landed. In the end it was one of the best experiences of my life and I know so many others who would say the same of their own experiences of jumping into something new and unknown like that.

It sounds like you’re still doing it. The job in Barcelona sounds like a good opportunity for a young person to get some real life experience. “The reviews” are often to be taken with a pinch of salt, you rarely find people flocking to the internet to say an employer is ok to work for. They will do so if they are really bad, or really good. I suspect there will be a whole load of people who are in that middle category that you didn’t read about. Saying the salary was low, how low was it? She could supplement by offering private tutoring. Barcelona is cheaper than living here in most respects, so what are you comparing the salary to? And, if it all went tits up, she is a few hours and a few hundred quid on a plane home. But you’ve put another roadblock in her way.

Finding jobs can be tough for our young people, but the worst thing you can do is over think any offer you do have.

Bless you OP, you sound a bit anxious or at least over thinking yourself.

Have you considered counselling to help you untangle your relationship with your daughter and help yourself? It is never easy to parent our children when they're struggling. Are you in full-time employment yourself? If your dd is working only part-time, she must have so much time to do part-time study or professional training, short course, on the side, it might open doors and boost her confidence.

Have you considered you might be sending mixed messages to your dd, "be independent but oh I'll be so anxious when you leave"? I say this kindly as we can all be a bit unawares to our now funny ways as parents.

It's a shame your dd's friendships haven't worked out so far but these thing happen and you both need to grow a thicker skin. You sound a little over involved and enmeshed, address that and your dd's situation might change surprisingly quickly.

Personally, if it’s so awful, I would never wish it on a random poster who has said a lot of very accurate things. Do you hit back verbally at your daughter like that?
australia might be good for her. We moved from Australia to the uk, my parents were very supportive and dhs parents piled on the emotional guilt a bit, which I was not impressed by.

@Bluelagoon02 - it’s a long way but as long as you know she is happy then that’s the main goal isn’t it? I totally understand that it’s a risk on all sides with a young person with anxiety. I had huge anxiety about her going but I fully got behind it and told her she can jump on a plane and come back if she’s not enjoying it. Not at the first sign of anxiety or discomfort but if she is consistently unhappy.

She started suffering from depression and that turned into anxiety around school and social situations. It was a pretty awful few years. She was then diagnosed with ASD by CAMHS which made a lot of sense and slowly things fell into place.

I really understand what you are saying Ie she’d be doing something like this because she hasn’t been able to find what she wants to do here.
However I think that reframing it is really useful. I am not trying to be Pollyanna here but I have had to do so much reframing the last few years.

Try and stop looking at things negatively. Ie Ok things aren’t working out at the moment or going according to plan …. But that’s life isn’t it? Lots of things don’t work out how we envisaged so trying something different is a good idea.

She has a job that she enjoys which means she’s earning money and taking steps towards becoming more independent. She can save some money and if she wants to and has the means, she can embark on a really exciting chapter of her young life.

She’s in a rut, friends have let her down. You will both probably spiral further if this continues along the same trajectory. So this is something to get excited about ..your positive attitude and support will really make the difference so it’s great that you suggested it. I think it would do her (and you) the world of good. Australia is a great place to start but it could be anywhere.

I wrote my DD a letter before she left to read at some point and the message was very much ‘don’t worry about what you’ll do when you get back. You don’t need to have any of that figured out now. That can wait. Just be present, open and enjoy yourself’

I suspect you railing about how the system is failing your DD is feeding into both her anxiety and expectation. Creating an environment where she feels hard done by doesn’t serve anyone.

life had changed post Covid, the job market is different, the way in which new graduates work is different. Staying at home longer/returning home after university is much more common and unless you’re on a very defined career pathway, routes into work are more convoluted and tend to take longer.

Hi OP, this sounds really tough and I think a lot of youngsters are struggling to find jobs right now, it's tough out there. Can I ask what her ideal job would be, what was she originally aiming to become? As she works part time and has some time free could she maybe use that time to do something freelance/self employed/start her own small business? It just seems to me if there are no jobs out there then the logical next step is to make one for yourself - not easy but definitely possible. I use people all the time who started their own local business, cleaning ovens and carpets, mowing lawns, walking dogs - I mean those are just off the top of my head and there will be all sorts of things that might be possible, but the point is these people are booked up solidly months in advance - they made their own work, their own income, rather than become employed by someone else. My cousin's dh is only in his 30s and started his own company and is thriving. Just an idea x

Just a thought . Is your daughter into crafts , hobbies, art or anything ? There are many places that have afternoons / nights where anybody of any level can come along and join in . It would allow her to meet people and perhaps make some friends . As there are people of all levels there would be no expectation for her to be perfect . I am in Australia and we have many of these places .If you have a look around I think you will find the same in the UK. I am off to my first paint and sip ( don't drink and don't paint ) . I think it will be fun and I very well may learn something .

"It's kind of hard to watch your child leave out of desperation when all she has ever wanted was to find a decent job. The system is failing our children. I often wonder how many others are suffering the way my daughter is."

There have been a lot of threads recently about young people not being able to get the job they expect and particularly graduates.
It's true that there are fewer graduate roles at the moment and generally youth unemployment is higher than it has been for some years. I just struggle with this 'the system is failing them' and similar comments from parents I have read on here.

Nobody owes anyone a living. No state is responsible for providing a 'system' in which people are guaranteed certain employment or rewards. Over history there are repeated cycles of young people pivoting into different industries, leaving to live and work in different countries, becoming self employed etc. I think the difference now is this sense of entitlement. People just seem to expect jobs for graduates in exchange for the person having gone to uni!

Feeling entitled and then that you have been let down leads to (misplaced) feelings of anger, unfairness, and loss of control. Far better to take responsibility for your destiny without blaming others IMO , for your mental health

But you’re still doing that. Why are you so involved? Shitty jobs/flats/friends are all part of life. It’s how we grow and evolve, and most importantly: develop resilience and coping mechanisms. Why do you not want that for her? Why do you keep saying “we” when talking about your daughter and decision-making? Step back, it’s her life.

Absolutely this. The level of entitlement is astounding to me. I graduated into the financial crash in 2009 and none of my cohort complained as much as the current set of graduates are. Just get your head down and get on. The OP’s daughter is already employed PT and has just turned down two fantastic opportunities to work abroad. The “system” isn’t failing her. She’s making these decisions.

Gently OP it sounds like you might be feeding her anxiety or projecting your feelings on to her. You’ve made a lot of contradictory statements. You want her to make her own mistakes but it then sounds like you did a lot of research into the potential overseas jobs and decided they were too problematic. Also she shouldn’t be worrying so much about leaving her current role to the point it’s stopping her taking another job. Employers can find someone else, no one is irreplaceable even if you are brilliant at your job and she shouldn’t be staying because she doesn’t want to upset someone by leaving. Your job now is to encourage her and be there if she needs you - not to second guess all the things that could go wrong. You sound like you could do with working through your anxiety with someone outside of the family.

I did not but thanks for expressing yourself this way without knowing the real facts. Her anxiety and issues didn’t happen overnight. I always fully supported her. I always encouraged her. Of course there are millions of things to consider when making these type of decisions. I never sugarcoated anything to her either.

Op

Have you considered your own role in your daughter’s anxiety?

You are very anxious yourself going by the tone of your posts and that in itself will manifest at home

Your posts read like some great disaster- yet there’s no disaster - your daughter has a job and is looking to go full time

Additionally she has anxiety which can be addressed by SSRIs or therapy

How this scenario is affecting the whole house is baffling?!

Please try to stop this focus on her life - focus on your own and let the girl be

To be fair, I never denied any of the above, but I also worked as hard as I could to support my daughter in the best way possible. The job in South Korea, for example, would have been a great opportunity if she had wanted to teach or liked working with children. She doesn't, which is why we, as a family, had to rethink the situation.
Moreover, the job had been reviewed by many people as a trap. You are sent to a private school to teach, expected to work crazy hours for low pay, and some schools don't even provide decent food or allow you to bring your own for safety reasons.

I guess you would let your child live through that kind of experience simply because they are a grown adult?

I accept that, as parents, we should take a step back. However, parents should still provide some assistance and moral support. For some odd reason, you seem to think that none of that was offered.

As her mother, I know my daughter better than anybody else. That doesn't mean I don't have faults as a parent. It simply means I know her well enough to understand her strengths, weaknesses, and what is likely to make her happy or unhappy.

Your daughter knows herself better than anyone else. Unless she's making a decision that would put her in real danger, it's no longer your place to comment let alone advise on her next steps.

The best thing your daughter can do is pull away from the hold you appear to have over her. Sugarcoat what? She’s a grown adult, and spending all your time enabling your own anxiety about her leaving you by whispering about constant worries and potential disasters around every corner is so damaging.

“We, as a family”? She’s an adult OP, not your doll. “We, as a family” have no right in deciding what a grown adult does. Do you give your adult children the same vetoing rights for the decisions you make? Can they decide what job is right for you? What friends you should have? Where you should live?

As far as I’m concerned this thread is now closed.

Thanks for your replies. I won’t reply to new comments.

Best regards

You don’t need to reply, just wanted to say I get you OP, it’s likely your DD is a complex individual and has probably drained the household for years and definitely needs your support

my DS is like this and my support won’t end when he’s an adult but it definitely needs to me controlled

its likely when your DD finds a FT job she ll be happier and calmer ; get her to look into agencies that specialise in recent graduates (Grayce or FDM as an example). We hire many of their staff regularly ; they’re great and they go through training

good luck x

As her mother, I know my daughter better than anybody else.
It shouldn't t be like that at her age.