Update on daughter’s job search and strained relationship at home.

[Bluelagoon02]

Just over a year ago, in a moment of total desperation, I reached out on this forum and allowed myself to open up about my family situation, particularly regarding my daughter's inability to find work. I created two threads and received an incredible amount of support. Many people came forward with ideas, and a couple even offered to speak directly with her. I truly felt touched by most people kindness.

I always wanted to come back and provide an update.
Thanks through some networking she managed to find a part-time job with a local family company, but unfortunately the role is only part-time. This means she hasn't yet been able to leave home and become fully independent.

On a positive note, she was also offered a position teaching English in South Korea, but after careful consideration, she decided to decline it. Similarly, she had to turn down a job in Barcelona, which not only offered a very low salary but also appeared to have the potential for a toxic working environment. Having said that, she was prepared to go anyway, but felt incredibly guilty about leaving her current part-time job at such short notice. Being loyal sometimes has its disadvantages.

So here I am again, living with a very frustrated, unhappy, socially isolated young woman and our broken relationship. I have tried so hard to offer support, but all my efforts and suggestions have been rejected or gone unappreciated.

Sadly, I am unable to follow the excellent advice of Mel Robbins, who says that if a person doesn't want to listen to you, they won't—regardless of your efforts or good intentions.

There is a part of me that wishes I could go back to when she graduated in July 2024. Trust me, I wouldn't make half the mistakes I made during these last years.

If anybody has any suggestions on how to navigate through this difficult time, I’d be more than happy to hear them. As a result of this immense stress, my health has taken a bad turn.

Thank you

What difficult time exactly? From your own description, your daughter has found part-time work and has received job offers in both South Korea and Barcelona. That doesn't sound like someone who is sitting around doing nothing.
To be honest, the post reads as though you've become completely overinvested in your adult daughter's employment situation and are turning it into a much bigger problem than it actually is. The real issue doesn't seem to be her ability to find opportunities, but your inability to accept the decisions she makes about them.
She's an adult. She considered the jobs, weighed the pros and cons, and made her choices. At some point you have to step back and let her live with the consequences of those decisions instead of treating her career as a problem for you to solve. The fact that you're describing your health suffering and your life being consumed by this suggests the boundary issue may be yours, not hers.

@thefloorislavayes I think the OP wants her DD to work full time so she can leave and get her own place. If I recall correctly they clash due to her DDs inability to grow up like most children eventually do and treats OP badly. Not done AS so could be wrong.

I guess I needed to hear this, but my good God, you have been incredibly direct and somewhat rude. You have no idea what we've been through, so for you to judge the situation when I came here kindly seeking comfort is pretty awful. But anyway, I asked for it, so I suppose it's my fault. I don't know how old your children are, but I hope that one day you'll experience the same.

I think I remember your post.

It would be helpful if you could tell us now what is it you want? Is it you want her to leave?

Indeed, the jobs she had been offered were full-time. However, many reviews seemed to indicate significant issues—issues that would have been complicated to resolve once she had made the decision to relocate.
It is true that it would have been better for her to make those decisions herself and live with the consequences. However, her current part-time job prevented her from feeling free to make those decisions without feeling guilty about leaving at such short notice.
I am aware that I should have stepped back a little, but my daughter's anxiety makes it very difficult for me to let go. It is a weakness of mine, I know. I just don't want her to feel worse than she already does.

@Bluelagoon02
this sounds really tough bless your heart.

If Your daughter is just working part time, maybe she could do some volunteering hours somewhere to pad the week out a bit? I know it’s not paid and doesn’t help financially, but it could be good for her and sometimes working/volunteering in a role helping others helps the person themselves learn and grow, develop new skills and an appreciation of others which in turn could guide her to the next part of her career journey. Maybe worth thinking about.

Good question. Perhaps I don’t know the answer myself.

All I know is that it has been particularly hard to watch her go through thousands of job applications, full of big dreams for a fresh future, only to see them crumble right before her eyes almost every time.

The job in Barcelona could have been good for her. We were all excited about it, only to discover that it had serious flaws, not to mention a very low salary. I guess no job is perfect, but ideally, you would want to leave your current position to improve your situation, not the other way around just because the job is in sunny Spain rather than the UK, if that makes sense.

I know that at her age no job is perfect. I just want her to be independent and free to live her life.

Yes, I suggested that and much more. Nothing seems to make an impact on her, which is why I am very concerned. It feels as though she has completely lost herself.
That said, I am incredibly proud of her and her resilience. The only sadness is that all her hard work has not paid off enough for her to feel truly free.

A plus side to working part time is it gives more time and flexibility for applying for and interviewing for roles in a chosen career path. Plus the necessary work experience/reference and a bit of routine.

I’m going to DM you an idea for the social side of things, it’s a franchised club and I’m probably being over cautious but it might be a bit outing so don’t want to include it here.

@Bluelagoon02As someone who is not yet even at the teen stage, but who for various reasons expects to have adult children at home in 15 years, what do you consider to have been a mistake on your part in hindsight?

OP I don’t think the PP was being rude when they suggested you might be overly invested. I didn’t see your previous thread, but two comments of yours stand out here - one is that you say you find it hard to step back and let her get on with it (I’m paraphrasing) and the other is that you’re really proud of her.
She’s clearly doing something right because she has one job (albeit part time) and has had two other offers - that’s really good.
Could you try telling her how proud you are, that you’re here if she wants to talk, or strategise and then step back and let it be?
I think you would feel better for this and, possibly, so would she. Once the pressure is off, things are more likely to improve.

I wish you courage, OP. Sorry to hear your health has taken a hit. I know of a few parents in similar situations but perhaps with a slightly easier relationship (albeit slightly strained in the circs but not as bad as you’re experiencing).

“I don't know how old your children are, but I hope that one day you'll experience the same.”

I expect that was a typo and you’re not actually wishing the same ordeal on a PP?

I think it’s probably a good thing she did not take the job in Barcelona, she might have got stranded there and had more of her confidence stripped by a toxic work environment. Her part time job will be giving her some valuable experience which might allow her to eventually find a full time role, usually you have to stay in a role for a few years before moving to the next. It takes time, I left uni over 13 years ago and I’m still working towards a senior job title. I would try to be as patient as possible, so she has enough head space to think clearly about what she wants to do. When you don’t have connections and no experience the job market is extremely difficult to navigate.

OP I am so sorry things feel so difficult. I didn't read your original thread so forgive any misunderstandings that may cause.

It sounds like your daughter does have a job, albeit part time and has been offered two more. How old is she? Is she looking for a career type job or a travel the world job?

You say the Barcelona job was potentially toxic. How so? I travelled and worked random jobs in my early twenties for pay and conditions I wouldn't get out of bed for now but had the time of my life. I met lots of fun people, saw the world and it set me up well for the future.

If DD needs to live independently and make a start in the world of work, perhaps her first job can be just a job somewhere else? It doesn't need to be a perfect job. When I was travelling in my early twenties I'm not sure my parents knew what job I was doing, never mind had read reviews about whether it would suit me. I was really independent but I don't ever remember asking their advice on jobs. It was me doing it so it didn't really matter if they liked the sound of it. Is it possible that you are viewing jobs through the lens of a grown up forever job rather than a job she is doing now?

I am also really unclear about why leaving her current part time job is a problem. Surely you leave on good terms if you can but unless this is job for life material, hand in your notice and go to Barcelona. If it doesn't work out, come back.

I think either of you waiting for the perfect job is impractical and it just doesn't exist. I love my current job but there are always benefits and compromises. You just need to get started with one job and if it doesn't suit, look for another one so you can jump ship. At least you have set sail though.

I feel you may view this as a much more complex process but is it possible that it isn't? Could she take the next job she is offered and give it a go for 6 months? If she doesn't like it she can look for another one. I think that's what we're all doing, broadly speaking, career wise, isn't it?

Another one here who is unsure what the issue is. I don’t think the PP was being rude either - direct yes, but they make some valid points. You do sound very over invested. The job market is shit for everyone right now, particularly young people at the beginning of their careers, and while that’s very depressing and demoralising for anyone going through it (experienced it myself recently!) it’s not a crisis unique to you and your daughter. What is the deeper issue aside from her having a not-dream job and still living at home?

I remember this poster , her DD was very entitled and assumed she’d get her perfect job on graduation & is resentful
she hasn’t. OP is way over involved in DDs life.
Even these posts are awkward to read, OP you are far too involved, let her make mistakes and decisions for herself.

can her uni offer careers service support/ access to resources/ training? It’s all about skills- loads of excellent on line free tech courses. I can’t remember her subject- can you remind us? And career aim? Maybe we can suggest more. But PLEASE protect your health.

As someone who is still teaching English after 30 years 😁 the job in South Korea sounded like fun. Guessing she has a CELTA then which means she could teach EFL anywhere.

How old is she?

Not allowing her to make her own mistakes.

You need to lower your expectations. A young 20s living with parents is completely normal right now, there are not enough jobs or affordable housing to go around.
I was still floundering for decent jobs by 25yo without parental help. I had figured it out by the time I was 27, now 35 and married.
All you need to do is let her do her job, pay you minimal rent and housekeeping, and for her to save money for her future.
From your other thread your daughter had MH problems and maybe neurodiverse. She really needs to speak to a Dr. These problems do not fix themselves.
It doesn't sound like the jobs abroad would have worked out so it's best to forget about it and move on. Let her gain confidence in jobs in UK before spreading her wings.
If she's taking the piss by being a nightmare to live with then you need to address that. You haven't said in your post that's a problem so everyone here doesn't really know how to advise.

Not read your previous threads, what was her degree in? You can't let her waste her 20s looking for the perfect job and career. Job market absolute shit at the moment and good careers hardly exist

Look at Vaughantown they do teaching English jobs, extremely legit. She can start off by volunteering to be a English teaching buddy, accom and food etc all paid for, just needs to sort own flights and hotel night before. Speaking to real Spanish people, making friendships and creating links to Vaughan town - I then got offered a job in Madrid with them that I stupidly turned down! Regret it all the time.

Or what about camp America or what not.. interrailing.. teaching English to students via zoom etc or to kids.
She could be doing another part time job alongside or a hobby or free courses or what not
Does she drive ?

Education is always an option what does she want to do? When this is known she needs to do a course

I don’t have any expectations just want her to be happy. My daughter suffers of anxiety. You are right it should be addressed. However, I can’t push her to see a GP if she doesn’t want to.

Think we worked that one out by now. The perfect job does not exist. I just think she needs to live her youth but feels so traumatised by the many people who turned out to be pretty horrid to her. Sadly she always gives 100% to her friends and doesn’t get much in return. I gave her few suggestions to join clubs, meet up or even find a travel buddy but she is not interested. Her job situation isn’t the best but she is lucky to have something. It’s the social aspect of her life that seems to be more important right now. I can’t help her at less she decides herself.