Update on daughter’s job search and strained relationship at home.

[Bluelagoon02]

Just over a year ago, in a moment of total desperation, I reached out on this forum and allowed myself to open up about my family situation, particularly regarding my daughter's inability to find work. I created two threads and received an incredible amount of support. Many people came forward with ideas, and a couple even offered to speak directly with her. I truly felt touched by most people kindness.

I always wanted to come back and provide an update.
Thanks through some networking she managed to find a part-time job with a local family company, but unfortunately the role is only part-time. This means she hasn't yet been able to leave home and become fully independent.

On a positive note, she was also offered a position teaching English in South Korea, but after careful consideration, she decided to decline it. Similarly, she had to turn down a job in Barcelona, which not only offered a very low salary but also appeared to have the potential for a toxic working environment. Having said that, she was prepared to go anyway, but felt incredibly guilty about leaving her current part-time job at such short notice. Being loyal sometimes has its disadvantages.

So here I am again, living with a very frustrated, unhappy, socially isolated young woman and our broken relationship. I have tried so hard to offer support, but all my efforts and suggestions have been rejected or gone unappreciated.

Sadly, I am unable to follow the excellent advice of Mel Robbins, who says that if a person doesn't want to listen to you, they won't—regardless of your efforts or good intentions.

There is a part of me that wishes I could go back to when she graduated in July 2024. Trust me, I wouldn't make half the mistakes I made during these last years.

If anybody has any suggestions on how to navigate through this difficult time, I’d be more than happy to hear them. As a result of this immense stress, my health has taken a bad turn.

Thank you

I am sorry you are having a rough time OP. This time in a young person’s life is 10x harder than when I was a graduate 30 years ago. We applied for a handful of jobs and got one. There are far fewer jobs these days and a big backlog of graduates from the last few year unable to get jobs - we’ve failed a generation. A relative of my in laws emigrated a few years back. Graduated from a good uni with a good degree, friendly guy and there was just nothing for him. He has thrived abroad. Thinking about it, lots of people in my street have 20something children who’ve gone abroad. My immediate neighbour - ds gone abroad. Opposite neighbour dd gone abroad and diagonal neighbour ds gone abroad. These people aren’t coming back, all of them have been gone a few years now. Neighbour the other side has two 20somthing boys who haven’t been able to move out. I have a friend with a 24yo who is depressed at home having been unable to get a job.i suppose what I’m saying is that you’re not alone. The part time job is definitely a start and many cannot get anything.

If she has managed to get a part time job and is holding it down successfully then she could be looking around for another pt job to make up her hours to Fulltime. Could she get herself some tutoring work, or weekend work in a different field like bar or waitressing which would bring in some money she could start saving for a deposit on a flat share. She clearly thinks she could cope with full time hours so that wouldn’t be a problem.

Thank you for your reply. We know that we are not the only one, in fact some may even experience a much worse situation.
My daughter applied virtually everywhere. She is now considering to go to Australia for like 6 months to one year. Very upsetting but might be the only option.

I always tell her that we are proud of her. I would be a terrible mother if I didn’t. She has been trying so hard and I hope that one day all her efforts will be rewarded somehow.

You’re too involved.

you recognise that you should have allowed her to make her own mistakes. You still need to.

take a step back and let her choose her path

There is a part of me that wishes I could go back to when she graduated in July 2024. Trust me, I wouldn't make half the mistakes I made during these last years.

Have you told her about the mistakes and that you regret them?

My relationship with my mother shattered in my late teens, my mother never took any responsibility for any mistakes she made, she just rewrote history.

Could DD do a 'side hustle' to make up her hours.

I don’t want her to leave and get her own place. I just want her to be independent and happy. We all know the perfect job out there doesn’t exist, and she knows that too. But if things don’t change soon, not only for my daughter but for many young people, serious mental health problems will start to emerge.

I have to say, I admire her determination and strength, but the problem isn’t just about finding employment; it’s also about being socially isolated. She often says she’s embarrassed about her life. That breaks my heart because she worked bloody hard to earn that stupid piece of paper.

It is hard to explain exactly how difficult it has been for us all especially my DD. Personally, I could never reply to anyone in such manners without knowing the full facts.
In the end no proper employment does generate serious lasting issues. I hope we all agree on that.

Of course I have. But most of my attempts to help her were meant well. She worked incredibly hard to find a suitable position and start her life. She is desperate - everything has got to a standstill. It is pretty heartbreaking to see.

Sounds like she’s very hard on herself, and you sound like you’re being very hard on yourself too. You have done your best and that’s all we can do. Maybe take a step back now if you feel that pushing her was the wrong thing? I think it might be great for her to go off to Australia even if it is just so she feels like she’s doing something different and exciting. She can always give it xyz amount of time, it may be fun, it does sound like she needs a bit of fun? It might do her self esteem good too as that does sound like an issue if she is embarrassed about her life?

@Bluelagoon02 oddly I had not quite read to the end of the thread but was going to suggest something which I think could be brilliant for your DD.. then I saw you referred to it as something she is considering anyway ; going to Australia for 6-12 months which you described as ‘upsetting’ .

Why is that upsetting? I think it’s brilliant! I can relate as my DD suffered from anxiety and depression for 3/4 years. It was a desperately awful period for both of us and much as I tried to do everything to support her, we didn’t have a great relationship during that time. we do now.

She got a bar job which was the making of her in terms of making friends and meeting people from all over the world.

She saved up and then decided to go travelling in Australia. She left alone but is doing various tours that lots of people her age do on their own and has met so many peopIe. She’s having the time of her life and a group of them are now going to another country together.

As the parent of someone who could have never envisaged this a couple of years ago it still blows my mind that she’s out there doing this. She didn’t leave her bedroom for nearly 2 years and didn’t see any friends.

It sounds like she is open to travel and wants to meet people. It doesn’t need to be Australia - it could be anywhere . The job market is so tough for young people at the moment anyway and this kind of thing could give her confidence and completely change her perspective.

It could also reframe your relationship and give her thé independence you want her to have.

Sorry if I hit a nerve, obviously I don't know your situation apart from what you have written.

she has a job
she can do online teaching also
i think she would manage better by you taking a step back personally

i would however encourage south korea

I’m beginning to think it might be the best option for her. Of course, I’ll be so sad not to see her for that long but I really need a break from all of this too. Just hope she can be safe if she decides to go.

check out the British Council. They do language assistant jobs around the world in a wide variety of countries. You’re paid a stipend more than a salary but it’s doable. And you can choose a location nearer home if you want. Great experience.

It sounds like you think this will do her good but I understand you will worry. Thats natural I think! Have you managed to get any counselling as it seems like you’ve been through a lot emotionally. Might be worth thinking about.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but working abroad teaching English in my early 20s is what essentially 'cured' my social anxiety.

Doing something that feels scary like that and accepting that high level of uncertainty while learning to deal with challenges independently is something that can really help to build confidence.

“She is now considering to go to Australia for like 6 months to one year. Very upsetting but might be the only option.”

Sorry OP, why is this “very upsetting”? It sounds marvellous, and might well be the making of her. My DD was at home until her late twenties and I was in meltdown despair- I could see her still being at home doing precious little until she was forty or beyond. Happily, she pulled herself together, did teacher training (during Covid, so far from easy) and is now teaching abroad and seems happy. Of course I could wish she lived a little nearer home, but ultimately you bring your children up to lead their own lives, and I’m just so pleased she’s now living her own life and being well-respected in her profession.

Sorry to hear you and your dd are struggling @Bluelagoon02 .
What degree did she graduate in originally? Is it possible to do a masters degree or post graduate diploma? Or additional professional qualification or training even if only on Linked in? Could she try teacher training?

You say your daughter's anxiety makes it very difficult to let go - it's understandable to feel very concerned for her. But it does sound like your own anxiety is also making it difficult to let go.

You’re far too invested in what she’s doing and you’re feeding her anxiety. Let her go to Spain and do a shit job. Let her go to Australia or South Korea.

why are you not stepping back?

What does she plan to do in Australia? Housing is very expensive and in short supply. Something to be aware if.

I agree, also I very much doubt that's she'll move to Australia having already turned down 2 job offers to work abroad. Whatever job she is offered, an issue will be found with it.

I hear what you're saying.
It's kind of hard to watch your child leave out of desperation when all she has ever wanted was to find a decent job. The system is failing our children. I often wonder how many others are suffering the way my daughter is.

The idea of going to Australia was actually mine. I kept seeing so many short videos on Instagram of people around her age who had decided to go there for the experience. In a moment of desperation, after yet another rejection, I suggested the idea to my daughter. Unfortunately, I didn't fully consider how anxious she can become in certain situations, although she is also very capable. She then started researching visas and other requirements and gradually developed a desire to go there herself.

At this point, part of me feels it's almost necessary, while another part of me will be devastated if she goes. Australia is simply too far away for me.

I also think she'd like to go because many of her friends have let her down. She is a very loyal friend, but unfortunately that has often worked against her.

By the way, may I ask why your daughter spent two years in her room? This sounds very similar to my daughter's situation. Was it because she couldn't find a job? When is she planning to return home?