That senior roles are just too intense with young children

[ThatiswhereIamat]

Have progressed well in my career, and I have continued to do so after the children.

my role is well paid, but obviously comes with a lot of stress, responsibility and is a complete drain of all my energy. I then have nothing left for my young children and husband.

we have a cleaner and childcare (kids are 3 and 5) and my DH does his fair share. Things could be so much worse but then why do I just feel so unhappy? I have been in the role for nearly a year and for some reason my gut feeling is it just right, but again I can’t work out why. The people are nice but the job is too intense.

has anyone take a step back, and did you regret it?

Felt compelled to reply as I was in your exact position last year, trawling mumsnet for answers. In my experience a change of company to a smaller company and going one rung down, but still senior / part time made a huge difference. I was so burnt out part time was non negotiable for me but now having seen life on the other side I think even FT may be more manageable - if still tiring - in this new role. I'm now in a position where my evenings, weekends, days off are truly my own, whereas before they were bombarded with 'urgent' messages and work tasks. I'm much more present with my kids and my nervous system has reset. It's still tiring being a working parent, my kids are similar ages to yours. But moving was the best thing I could have done. I did investigate moving within the company but that was ultimately not right for me and a fresh start has reinvigorated my love for the job as well as the focus and enjoyment on my own life outside of work. I took a pay cut but I was spending a lot to deal with the stress and exhaustion of my job - cleaner, counselling, meal subs, extra nursery - that I wasn't really feeling the benefit of that money anyway. I can also see clear opportunities for progression when my kids are a bit older too. It's night and day compared to how I felt last year. Good luck!

Thanks so much for all your replies!

Glad to know I am not alone. I think the fear of stepping away is holding me back at the moment and worrying about it being the wrong move. I do genuinely like who I work for and I have a team I’m responsible for that I would feel guilty for leaving.

that said, I have put the feelers out to a specialist recruiter (I work in a very niche area) to see if anything part time and slightly less senior comes up. I know I could be useful to someone three days a week!

someone summed it up on here earlier, I’m performing really well at work, but it just drains all my energy and leaves me with nothing left for my husband or family.

I’ve stepped a rung down the ladder. Some days it’s been hard to swallow and it was certainly an adjustment but it’s been worth it. For me it was that moment of recognising that THIS IS IT, this right here is my life, my one and only life and I was giving it all away to an employer in exchange for money and 24/7 stress. I was not capable of relaxing, ever. I was just running on cortisol constantly and my child was not getting the best of me. I’ve managed to find a job with great work/life balance and I dedicate myself to doing a great job BUT boundaries are in place and my family comes first. I have had so many people in my life drop dead in their 50s and 60s after a lifetime of work, old age and doing all the things you wanted to do aren’t guaranteed so I live my life NOW. You’re worrying about making the wrong move professionally but the most wrong move would be missing these years with your young children who grow every time you blink. I know you’re feeling guilty about leaving your team but your company will replace you in a heartbeat, your kids only have one mum, one irreplaceable mum. I really hope you find a balance that works

I would say that if you can avoid actually stepping down a rung then that's ideal.

As I said before I found something with the same job title but a different kind of organisation. It's not public sector but is more adjacent to that which means the pace is slower (I work in investment). I am Director level but I can imagine if you a C level it's not necessarily possible.

As my kids have got a little older, although still primary age, I've also taken on two non-exec roles which although they take up time are not stressful. I feel like that's helping me progress even though my actual day job is less intense.

I'm still the one with the 'big job' in my household although we are both full time, and my husband does 50/50 genuinely.

I have had a real reset of how I think about work. I still like the money and the status and being stretched, but basically it's a job and not my life.

Having stepped off the ladders and regretted it I am going against the grain and say buy in more help. I have found my children need me FAR more now as teenagers and I wish I was now on a much senior role nearing retirement as I’ve saved so much.

case in point - fellow school mum who didn’t deal with the before school tantrums as she had a before school nanny who then acted as housekeeper during day. After that nanny had worked 10 hours, she clocked off and second evening nanny came on duty to help : ok so that’s a bit extreme but this woman is now retiring at 50 and her dc are teenagers and she can help them through GCSEs and a levels, visiting universities etc

at a minimum I would get better / more childcare so that you are not frazzled. I had a helper every day 5pm - 7pm (local university student, other neighbours used Koru Kids) which meant I could focus 1-2-1 on dc OR make a nice dinner OR do an urgent work call or email. Not trying to do all three at once. The help stopped during covid and I should have started it up again.

Thank you for the other perspectives too. It’s so hard to make a decision and so I just keep ploughing on.

i wouldn’t go so far as to say I was miserable, but I just feel that it’s too much for right now and I don’t need the responsibility and could take a less paid and less stressful job. I just can’t seem to walk away, perhaps I am worried that I will look like a failure?

I also really want to start my own consulting business and work for myself and be the master of my own time. But again I’m too scared to take the leap!

I've just took a step back to a front line role and gave up the kudos of a fancy title and being seen as important. I really wish I did it sooner. I feel I've got me back.

I can relate, I'm not as senior as that but I'm really struggling. Lead a department with few resources. Can't see an easy way to change and feel pressure as the higher earner to stay.

It’s fine now mine are teens, but what I really struggled with when they were younger was just being so ‘needed’ all the time. I’d spend all day at work with people wanting things from me; asking for opinions and permission, then you get home and you’ve got the same from the kids. I remember that very well and felt the verbal equivalent of ‘touched out’!

It did change though and I’m glad I didn’t step down, I still value my career, more so now my kids are edging towards the door.

Just to say I find it easier with teens but not saying teens need me less, if anything I am mostly very relieved I stopped at 2 children as it’s amazing how much teens still need you. But I find it less immediate and suffocating than small kids, what I found hard in the stage you’re at is just the sheer relentless of it. Kids bedtimes etc, needing something now because they can’t wait. It’s different with teens, mine help out with dinner, the house, if they need something they know I can’t always do it immediately.

So it definitely changes with teens, the demands are still there, but they’re different and can be negotiated.

Yep! Agreed. I’m in the process of stepping down after 4 years of trying to do it and suffering a mental breakdown

I’m applying for jobs at the mo and not having much luck. I know it’s really competitive out there anyway but worry I look over qualified for some jobs and it will go against me. Did others find this?

Does your DH feel the same? This is not a snipey comment, but how come it’s usually women that step back, I find it frustrating on behalf of women.

I’d add more help before I stopped. We had a housekeeper for a period and a personal PA that sorts everything. If you really get into it, it’s liberating. I only work or deal with what I want. I’m now senior enough that I’m part time again. Well part time at 35 hours 😂 but it feels part time compared to how I did work.

I gave up my career dream job when my DS was born and this was a role with a fancy title , lots of kudos and many perks….. I don’t regret it for a second. I cherish the years I had when my kids were young, and honestly we had a much more relaxed pleasant life than the families I know where both parents work full time , and one of my children has Autism and leaning difficulties , my husband was in the army, and we lived far away from our families, so life definitely had some challenges.

I returned to work 6 years ago, in an admin role (NHS) , I do 9-3 wfh, and I really enjoy my job, I have a fantastic work life balance and we have a stable happy home life. If I want to step back up again I could start working my way up , but in all honesty I don’t think I will. Once you realise there is a lot more to life than working I think it does change your priorities.

Your job title and associated power and status only matters to you - no one else cares, or even notices. No matter how important your job is and how good you are at it, if you die tomorrow they will be replacing you within the month.

This thread is really helpful. I’m not director level but the potential has been dangled and I’ve been considering it. I’m 36 with a 3yo and a 5yo and I’m having to fight all my urges - my brain says ‘don’t tread water, go for the next step up’ and my heart says ‘it’s ok - you’ve got 30 more years in the workplace and they’re only small for a little bit’.

@Cheepcheepcheep thays exactly how I’ve been feeling for about six months now.

Thanks for all the views shared here. At the moment it feels a bit like flipping a coin. My DH is actually less senior than me, he’s at a good comfortable level of earning well but not having immense stress.

I am scared of stepping off I guess.

I’ve done the opposite to you, taken a big step
up as mine were mid primary. It’s hard. I work term time so have more flexibility but find I spend half terms catching up on all of the house related jobs, sometimes end up being ill and of course trying to spend time with my children.

Ive tried to make a few changes to make my life easier. I work through lunch so I get more done in the building. I try and make sure I use the drive home to switch off and go into Mum Mode and then go back to my work later on at night.
I’ve tried to make sure I leave at least once or twice a week as early as I can.
im slowly trying to drink more, eat healthier, read, take little moments for me.

I don’t know how other parents do it though!

I’ve tired to weather the storm because it would be hard for me to get a job as good as this one but you sound like you could.