Toxic manager pushing me out ?

[anon990]

I’ve worked as a care worker in the community since may 2025. I’m good at my role and there is no issues about my performance with the clients or IT skills as I’ve never asked for help or needed it with projects etc. my boss is a micromanager of the highest order and is really getting on my nerves. My probation is up on Wednesday and I’m having a probation meeting. So it all started when my manager went to an eyebrow appointment, I was in the office alone an hour before end of day and my system went down, no answer from IT. I texted her to say could I head off now and she sent me every IT number possible telling me to stay or if I left id have to make the time up. This pissed me off so I was a bit annoyed in my tone. Ever since she’s hated me. Things that were never problems all of a sudden are. I have a 40 min commute in the morning to drop my DS off then I turn back and drive 15 min to work location. I had a support in the city last Friday so instead of turning back to the office I drove straight to the support as I have done many times to save my already very long commute and make it shorter. She sent a big email saying it’s not acceptable etc and saying if I’m going to have 30mins etc in the car waiting for the suppprt to start I need to use annual leave, she works from home all the time, no one else can. She has no kids so I truly feel she doesn’t understand how stressful my mornings already are without adding in extra driving it’s already 7pm when we get home. I finish at 5.30pm. All of a sudden im not allowed 10 mins extra overtime when it was allowed before. All of a sudden if I come in 10 mins early I need a reason as to why and need to send an email explaining why. I have a support today 40mins from the office at 10am . I drop my son off and pass the office as usual at 9am but instead of stopping in im continuing on to the support arriving at 9.40/9.45. I let her know the plan yesterday and she emailed me saying ‘how long exactly will it take you to get there from the office, I need to have a talk with the main manager to see how this all looks going forward’ I go above and beyond for the people I support and this is what I’m getting off her. I’m so stressed and anxious and feel like I cant win. I cried in her presence Friday and told her her emails telling me to use my annual leave for time used to drive to work location and other emails over petty stuff is causing m stress and she’s still at it. I’m waiting on my union to ring me back. When I replied to said email saying it takes 40mins which she could’ve just googled she said ‘I have invited the main manager to your probabtion meeting on Wednesday’ . She constantly calls to ‘check in’ at like 9.05 am and 5.25pm . It’s stupid no trust at all. I’ve never given her a reason not to trust I’m not doing my job. She also herself goes to supports in the morning from her house without going to any office. How can I move forward and what should I do next? Thanks

Being late whilst still on probation would be a huge red flag to me if I were your manager.

Probation is when you're supposed to be at your absolute best!

I was late by 10 mins 1 time !!!! Are ye absolutely perfect yourselves? Weirdso

Awh shut the fuck up hoenstly im a single mum to a 2 year old up at the ass crack of dawn 5 days a week to do an hour commute and not home until 7 Jesus Christ have ye ever experienced any difficulties in life

Christ above this app is so unbelievably toxic ! Where is mums supporting other mums not bringing them down when they’re already down! Ye are so judgemental. I’ve explained I’m good at my role and she’s nit picking . Where did ye get the email idea from? I haven’t emailed her anything

Given your recent replies OP I think I’ll agree with your manager that your attitude is the problem here, if this is how you respond to people disagreeing with you😂

Your manager is toxic, this app is toxic, everybody is toxic… perhaps worth thinking about who the common dominator is to find the root of your problem here.

Sorry are you absolutely perfect in every aspect of your life? Do you ever have to get up at 6am and travel an hour with your child and then do 8 hours on no sleep as he’s been unwell? No ☺️

Your employees loved you I’d say

Some of us are also single mums with no support, full time high stress jobs with in my case sometimes up to a four hour commute. I think it’s maybe your attitude?

But I came here for support and your avting like the manager ! How’s it helpful to put me down and say I’m the problem you know nothing else about my in my life

Yep!

Yes, I'm sure you are right op. On a place named mumsnet, nobody else has ever had a sick child or a hard and demanding job. If your manager asks you to something you need to do it or leave and get another job.

Mum of the year ward for you. Never even been late to your job no?

I’m not sure what support you wanted OP. You want people to just agree that your manager is unreasonable and that you’ve done nothing wrong but that just isn’t true.

So what support do you want? The advice that will help you- do what your job specifies you do, to keep that job and get paid. If that means turning up to the office at 9am then that’s what you do. If you don’t want to do your job then look for another job.

You honestly think no other mum ever has to get up and go to work all day after being up with a poorly child all night? Genuinely? You’d be hard pushed to find a mum who HASN’T had that experience.

Anyway in reply to your thread title, no a toxic manager isn't pushing you out, your totally shitty attitude is doing a good enough job on its own.

Not whilst on probation no. Afterwards yes, but I'd be very apologetic, explain why, and make the time up either by working my lunch or staying late, but then my clients relied on me and so did my colleagues. It's called professionalism.

Your work day starts in the office at 9am. If you can’t manage to adhere to that while on probation (either because you refuse to start your day in the office, or because you get there by 9:10 (not sure what never late but only ten minutes late actually means)) then you’re probably not cut out for the job.

You should get through probation following the rules then you earn the right for flexibility later.

You need to clarify exactly what is or isn't allowed. If you have to sign in at the office before you go to a client then that is what you have to do. You could bring it up at the meeting that it can be a waste of time doing that if a client is on your way to work or easier to get to not signing in first. But you can't just do it that way because it suits you.

If you are never late, you can't be only 10mins or so late. And if you are being paid till 5 you can't just leave at 4. I think you may have to look at this from the management side a bit.

Just a thought

Is this your first full time job as an adult?

I've done the single mum thing. It's tough going. Read through your contract, clarify whether you are expected to log in to your base before going on calls. That will tell you whether the manager is picking on things or whether you've decided to do it in a way that makes sense to you but doesn't make sense to them. With care calls, if you're sitting outside, then they're point of view is that this would be unpaid. If you're sitting in the office, then you're in work and its paid. It's a case of checking your contract and asking if you require adjustments to be made. However, care jobs are easy to come by, so if this company doesn't feel like a good fit, find another that is, but make sure you've understood how they do their contracted hours. Also, you'll always come up against a manager who is doing something differently, that's the role they've chosen and are being paid for, it's difficult to challenge micro managing once it's started. Be prepared to think about whether you've misunderstood your contract rather than what the manager is doing.

Have you requested a meeting and discussed all this seriously and calmly? Both of you sound like you're reacting to the other's actions and neither of you will meet in the middle. Maybe you could change your start time to 9:15am so you really don't have to go into the office for ten minutes or risk being 10 minutes late into work. Or maybe there's a legitimate reason for you needing to go into the office when your manager asks you to. There should be give and take, but you need to discuss and agree terms not just expect your manager to always say yes.

You came here for advice, not support. If you only want to hear what you want to hear then Mumsnet is not the place for you. Many of us have tried to be helpful only to be told to 'fuck off'. If you're unhappy, find a different job, but if you don't change your attitude to work then you'll be forever looking for a different job because you'll always be a problem to your manager.

OP, with respect, you are being incredibly rude to anyone who is disagreeing with you.
You asked for advice, and for the most part you got exactly that - just that you didn't want that advice and were only seeking validation that you were right and your manager is wrong.
There are many of us here who are single parents, holding down stressful full-time jobs. We are all human and we all make mistakes at times - but the majority of us aren't rude to others on this platform.

At the start of your thread I was verging on being on your side, until I saw further replies from you and how you speak to others. Given that you're still in probation and have upset your manager, I'd say that your days at this current role are numbered and you should start looking for a new one.

I suspect the issue is not whether you stop in the office in the morning but when you report to start work. If you come in the office, your day start when you get in the office. It's more completed if you don't stop. The way it is normally done is taking into consideration how long it would take to drive from the office to the place of support. If it 20 mns, and your appointment is at 10am, you would officially start the day at 9:40. If you are claiming to start work say at 9:30 or even earlier, then you are expecting them to pay for your commute, which most company pay for.