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Original poster

Work and work drinks

90 replies

Foxybingo32 · 14/11/2025 21:23

So, bit of an odd one and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it.
Six of us (all women, 35–45) went out for work drinks last night after our annual staff conference. Nothing wild, just the usual decompressing after a long day – chatting about husbands, kids, work nonsense, all the standard stuff. Everyone was in good spirits.

A colleague from another department tagged along. She’s never been out with us before but was perfectly pleasant – friendly, chatty, getting involved. All fine.
Later in the evening the conversation drifted onto marriage/dating/relationships. At that point she sort of clammed up and said she’d rather not talk about her personal life, but was happy to listen.
I apologised immediately as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She insisted she wasn’t, just didn’t want to discuss anything personal.

The whole thing has left me a bit 🤷‍♀️. It just felt… odd? We’re all grown adults, it wasn’t anything intrusive, just the usual light “my DH does my head in” sort of stuff. But she seemed very firm about it.
Is this just a boundary thing and I’m overthinking it? Or is it unusual to be that private in a completely normal, harmless conversation?

OP posts:
MeAndMyGhost · 15/11/2025 05:25

Beer fear with someone you don't know that well.

I wouldn't worry about it, she stated her boundary and you respected it.

TigTails · 15/11/2025 05:34

Good for her!!

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 15/11/2025 06:21

You’re overthinking

Lemonbaytree · 15/11/2025 09:35

Yeah goods for her, why should she have to tell everyone her private stuff.

ChavsAreReal · 15/11/2025 09:44

She could easily have side stepped any personal questions without deliberately excluding herself.

Friday night drinks... what was she expecting? Going over the weeks sales?

DaisyChain505 · 15/11/2025 09:47

You have no idea what’s going on in her personal life that made her clam up and not want to talk.

she could be in an abusive marriage.

she could be dealing with confusion about her sexuality.

she could have just found out her partners having an affair.

she could be a virgin who’s never had a relationship.

not wanting to talk about your private life is completely acceptable.

EleanorReally · 15/11/2025 10:09

i remember some of dh drinking friends asking me how our marriage was, and this wasnt even in a pub. odd

Daffidale · 15/11/2025 12:21

You’re over thinking it.
some people have a perfectly sensible, healthy boundary that they don’t talk about their personal life at work. It sounds like she is one of them. I think she handled it well be being up front and clear about it.

Original poster
Foxybingo32 · 15/11/2025 17:52

@TigTails Perhaps not a bit odd of her?

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 15/11/2025 18:03

I think her boundary is perfectly fine but announcing that she’s not going to talk about it seems a bit over the top. She could have just sat listening without making it into a ‘thing’.

Original poster
Foxybingo32 · 15/11/2025 23:11

@Daffidale She was listening in, but then I asked her if she was seeing anyone. As I said, I apologised immediately.

OP posts:
Lostuser · 15/11/2025 23:16

Some people like to keep work and private life separate

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 15/11/2025 23:52

Lostuser · 15/11/2025 23:16

Some people like to keep work and private life separate

Very sensible.

PictureParfait · 16/11/2025 11:01

Foxybingo32 · 15/11/2025 23:11

@Daffidale She was listening in, but then I asked her if she was seeing anyone. As I said, I apologised immediately.

That's a pretty intrusive and inappopriate question. I don't blame her for not wanting to answer it.

PictureParfait · 16/11/2025 11:29

So, if I understand correctly, this is how the conversation went:

I asked her if she was seeing anyone.
At that point she sort of clammed up and said she’d rather not talk about her personal life, but was happy to listen.
I apologised immediately as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.
She insisted she wasn’t, just didn’t want to discuss anything personal.

She's a work colleague. Not a friend. And you think she's the one out of order?!

Starseeking · 16/11/2025 11:38

Lostuser · 15/11/2025 23:16

Some people like to keep work and private life separate

This would be me as well.

My response to a direct question would probably be to sidestep it softly, rather than be blunt, as despite it being perfectly reasonable for me to do so, people who ask these sorts of questions have a funny way of making the refuser appear as if they’ve done something wrong!

PictureParfait · 16/11/2025 11:51

Starseeking · 16/11/2025 11:38

This would be me as well.

My response to a direct question would probably be to sidestep it softly, rather than be blunt, as despite it being perfectly reasonable for me to do so, people who ask these sorts of questions have a funny way of making the refuser appear as if they’ve done something wrong!

Show quote history

As we can see here! For instance the OP describing the person as "clamming up", when she sounds perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
Foxybingo32 · 16/11/2025 19:56

@PictureParfait I was simply trying to include her into the conversation as we were all complaining about our husbands.

OP posts:
PictureParfait · 16/11/2025 20:37

Foxybingo32 · 16/11/2025 19:56

@PictureParfait I was simply trying to include her into the conversation as we were all complaining about our husbands.

Eeurgh. Can you imagine this, from a group of male colleagues:

"We were all complaining about our wives"

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 16/11/2025 23:57

She just didn't want to talk about her personal life, is it really that difficult for you to understand? She did nothing wrong nor odd, it's colleagues not the bitch-about-my-husband club.

McSpoot · 17/11/2025 00:02

mynameiscalypso · 15/11/2025 18:03

I think her boundary is perfectly fine but announcing that she’s not going to talk about it seems a bit over the top. She could have just sat listening without making it into a ‘thing’.

She was forced to do so by the OP directly asking her. Seems like she tried just keeping silent up until that point.

notacooldad · 17/11/2025 00:04

I was simply trying to include her into the conversation as we were all complaining about our husbands

Why would you do that?

Your having a few drinks, you are supposed to be having a laugh, not bitching.
I cant say it sounds like fun.
I hate all the " my husband is such a dick" convos with colleagues.

JudgeBread · 17/11/2025 00:06

If I was sat in a group of women all bitching about their husbands I'd probably not want to chime in either, because I actually like my husband.

InLoveWithAI · 17/11/2025 00:15

I don't talk about my relationship with people I don't know well.

I don't want to.

Friendlygingercat · 17/11/2025 00:59

I used to work with a woman like this. She made it clear (without being overtly rude) that she didnt want to engage in small talk about how she had spent her weekend and so on. She always politely refused invitiations to drinks or nights out. However if you asked her anything about work or the job she would be happy to help you with an explanation or advice. At the time I used to think it was because she was from an orthodox background and there was some prohibition against interacting too closely with people outside her faith. Now I realise she was simply a private person with very strong boundaries.