Work and work drinks

[Foxybingo32]

So, bit of an odd one and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it.
Six of us (all women, 35–45) went out for work drinks last night after our annual staff conference. Nothing wild, just the usual decompressing after a long day – chatting about husbands, kids, work nonsense, all the standard stuff. Everyone was in good spirits.

A colleague from another department tagged along. She’s never been out with us before but was perfectly pleasant – friendly, chatty, getting involved. All fine.
Later in the evening the conversation drifted onto marriage/dating/relationships. At that point she sort of clammed up and said she’d rather not talk about her personal life, but was happy to listen.
I apologised immediately as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She insisted she wasn’t, just didn’t want to discuss anything personal.

The whole thing has left me a bit 🤷‍♀️. It just felt… odd? We’re all grown adults, it wasn’t anything intrusive, just the usual light “my DH does my head in” sort of stuff. But she seemed very firm about it.
Is this just a boundary thing and I’m overthinking it? Or is it unusual to be that private in a completely normal, harmless conversation?

For so many years? Living an obscure life.

She's in a different department from you, how do you suggest she shares her relationship info with you on a day to day basis. Office-wide email? Call a Teams meeting? Bring a megaphone and stand on a chair?

Why are you so invested in knowing about her personal life?? Jeez!

I don’t bitch about DH with anyone - I think it’s a bit disrespectful to slag the person I love the most in the world off behind his back, but I wouldn’t make that announcement at the table. I might say I don’t talk about personal stuff with colleagues though (even though I do, within boundaries).

But you have no idea what’s going on her life. Her partner might be abusive, she might be gay and not out at work, he partner might have just died and she didn’t want to bring the mood down, she might be asexual or polyamorous and not want to have to explain that, or she just might be a private person given she didn’t really know you all. I don’t think it’s weird at all.

Perhaps she has been single for many years, or indeed her whole life, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it?

You think she's "very odd" when you're the one who has been obsessing about your colleague's love life for months?

Okay.

It is kinda odd though. Why would you go out for drinks with workmates if you have no intention of sharing anything at all about your homelife or your interests. If you really don't like the social setting you would stay at home. It's usually an environment where you relax and share a little. It doesn't mean you have to go full on disclosure but usually in a social setting folk give a little of themselves, to be considered sociable.

When I was long term single (as in never had a relationship single) I felt very uncomfortable talking about my relationship status or being single. I was however happy to chat about many other aspects of my life - hobbies, interests, where I'm from, where I've lived, previous jobs, friends, holidays, political views, buying my home, tv, films - and really enjoyed (and still do) going out with colleagues and catching up with them. Should I have not bothered going out with them just because I didn't want to talk about one aspect of my life?

No, of course not. You were happy to go out and be sociable.

The op said she talked about other interests and topics. It was only the question about relationship status that she declined.

She spoke about films and hobbies, she was very sociable and got involved about everything except her dating and family life.

I think it’s odd to be so blunt. Personable / socially skilled people would have given a very simple, yet warm, answer. You don’t have to give out much information, but a simple response like ‘I’m not in a relationship, nothing to report’ or ‘I’m in a relationship but all good’ or ‘it’s complicated, I won’t bore you with it’ would have been sufficient and not made it weird. You’ve nothing to feel awkward about you were having a normal conversation on a post-work-drinks

did you not even read the post? She literally did talk about her interests. Just didn't want to mention this one thing. Which is perfectly normal. I'm sure if she'd said 'Actually my ex beat me up so I had to go to a dv shelter,' or 'My husband died last year,' or 'he left me when we found out I couldn't have kids,' OP would be moaning that she'd brought the mood down.

Meh. I’m with you, OP. It is weird. By all means have your boundaries but making an announcement about it is unnecessary and attention seeking. Like, get over yourself, you’re not that interesting.

But to be honest I find I’m often the outlier on here so who knows

My guess would be something really painful happened. Her former fiancée is now married to her sister? She's a widow? Or simply she's never found the right person? It was nice you noticed she was left out, but I would say with this kind of thing, if someone isn't bitting, change the conversation rather than trying to drag them in.