Work and work drinks

[Foxybingo32]

So, bit of an odd one and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it.
Six of us (all women, 35–45) went out for work drinks last night after our annual staff conference. Nothing wild, just the usual decompressing after a long day – chatting about husbands, kids, work nonsense, all the standard stuff. Everyone was in good spirits.

A colleague from another department tagged along. She’s never been out with us before but was perfectly pleasant – friendly, chatty, getting involved. All fine.
Later in the evening the conversation drifted onto marriage/dating/relationships. At that point she sort of clammed up and said she’d rather not talk about her personal life, but was happy to listen.
I apologised immediately as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She insisted she wasn’t, just didn’t want to discuss anything personal.

The whole thing has left me a bit 🤷‍♀️. It just felt… odd? We’re all grown adults, it wasn’t anything intrusive, just the usual light “my DH does my head in” sort of stuff. But she seemed very firm about it.
Is this just a boundary thing and I’m overthinking it? Or is it unusual to be that private in a completely normal, harmless conversation?

I mean, surely if you don’t want to mix work life with personal life then don’t socialise with colleagues? I would have thought if someone is socialising with colleagues outside of work it’s because they want to get to know them.

While I wouldn’t ask it myself (because I hate being asked it), I don’t think asking if she was seeing anyone is wildly inappropriate. But I also don’t think she’s unreasonable to say she didn’t want to talk about it.

I’m quite new to my job and when I first met/spoke to one of my colleagues (in a different team) she asked me if I had family, which I take to mean kids.. I found that an odd question for the first time you meet someone but I guess for most people it’s quite normal.

Im another one who never slags off dh in convos and would have excluded myself from that. Also if she is not seeing someone or just broken up with someone she might have found all your gripeing a bit raw. She answered very politely - let this one go but maybe think if conversation can be equally interesting but on safer ground

She could be going through something - maybe she’s not straight and doesn’t want to say, maybe she’s going through a divorce or heartbreak or something else

or maybe she just doesn’t want to go there with people she doesn’t yet know

all good and should be respected. Not odd at all

i think it’s more odd that you are questioning her and thinking she is odd

Not wanting to chat about her personal life is fine, lots of people are like that. The “happy to listen” additional comment makes her sound weird though.

Not everyone likes to slag off their husband though. I would find that very disloyal, it can feel like over-sharing. I bet she was regretting joining your group.

@SemperIdem It was her way of saying that she was happy to still be in the discussion and involved, just didnt want to share her own details. Its unlikely she'll come out with us again though.

Imo, a totally reasonable stance from your colleague.

But totally different to the OPs situation.

If you dont want to talk about outside work, dont go out for drinks after work on a Friday.

It was her way of saying that she was happy to still be in the discussion and involved,
I think i would have said something similar. I would have meant that im not going to be complaining abouts my DH but im not bothered by what your talking about.
If you dont want to talk about outside work, dont go out for drinks after work on a Friday
It sounds like its the topic was the issue.
Ive been on probably 100s of after work do's over the last 40 odd years. Conversations dont have to be complaing about partners. I have never once grumbled about DH to a colleague.

I don’t think it’s odd that you thought it was odd!

I would have thought much the same as in my world any after work drinks would at some point result in talking about relationships.

You handled it well though and shouldn’t feel bad, yes of course she is entitled to her privacy and boundaries but in a way she has probably drawn more attention to herself than needed with that kind of response.

You were maybe ‘overstepping’ by asking however if you hadn’t someone else probably would have!

Im sure you were not the only one in the group who thought it was a bit odd.

Never ever ask a colleague about their personal relationships. It's always a recipe for trouble. If they volunteer info, and it feels like it's an appropriate level: all good.

Of course it’s not inappropriate or intrusive! OP was just including her in the conversation. The colleague is an adult and could quite easily have deflected the question rather than announce a boundary in such a stark way in a social setting. Of course she doesn’t have to join in any conversation she doesn’t want to, but it’s not necessary to make it such a ‘thing’.

Well I think it's rude and intrusive, especially in a conversation that was centred on slagging off their other halves, but you and the OP clearly can't see that.

The difference is you and your colleagues chose to share. She chose not to. You asked her directly and she still chose not to. She isn't the odd one in this situation. The fact you are posting now about it makes you the odd one. She didn't clam up. She simply chose not to answer.

You're overthinking it and your response and some of the responses seem to suggest that private people shouldn't be included in social events which is cracked.

As one of those private people, it's no reflection on you (she stated, you respected, it's fine that it happened that way) so just move on. I never speak about my relationships at work.

As if private people don't face enough social censure for being private, now they're supposed to imply their boundaries instead just state them openly. Fuck sake 😅

People really hate people who deviate from the expected norm.

Not sure why you would go to social drinks if you dont want to be social.

Who knew the sum total of being social was speaking about your private relationships.

Ew.

Groups of women work colleagues sitting in the pub on a Friday night slagging off their husbands is the very definition of beige and basic.

As PP said, I bet she regretted coming out with you all, and was counting the minutes until she could leave.

if she didn’t want to chat about her life she should have stopped at home, what else is there to talk about? I mean it’s great that she can put boundaries in place but she’s not going to be welcomed with open arms next time is she? She could have just said ‘it’s a bloody disaster, don’t ask!’ And you would all have laughed it off and not thought another thing about it. The whole ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ is bound to make people wonder what’s going off!

Are you serious? Do you honestly think that groups of women have nothing else to talk about apart from moaning about husbands?

Wow.

How depressing.

if she didn’t want to chat about her life she should have stopped at home, what else is there to talk about?

Not sure why you would go to social drinks if you dont want to be social.

I went out on a leaving do with my female colleagues last Saturday not once did we talk about our private life eg, complain about our partners.

We had such a laugh, didnt get home until about 3 am and lots of chatting about what a good night we had on Monday.

Im not the most sociable of creatures but will go to an important events for colleagues and always enjoy myself.

Is suppose I just assumed after work drinks means after work talk? Husbands, kids, home life and so on.

@notacooldad She was very chatty about TV shows, travel etc.

Women who don't want to sit and talk about their partners shouldn't go out and be social? Fucking hell.

Out of you lot moaning about your husbands, or her talking about TV shows and travel, I know which I'd rather have a few drinks with outside work 😄

bit of a drip feed.

Your first post made her sound quite weird just announcing it apropos of nothing whereas given you specifically asked her a personal question she's perfectly fine to have answered it the way she did. Perhaps she's recently out of a DV situation/relationship ended and was scared she'd start crying if she had to talk about it, or reconsidering her sexuality or just didn't want to say 'Actually I pick up a different bloke to shag every night' to colleagues!

How else should she have answered it? If she'd said 'Yes,' or 'No' you probably would have asked more questions which she clearly didn't want to answer.

The only odd thing is the extent to which you're overthinking this. And suggesting you won't invite her out again for the temerity to have boundaries is just bitchy. Perhaps she has better things to talk about than relationships!