Work and work drinks

[Foxybingo32]

So, bit of an odd one and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it.
Six of us (all women, 35–45) went out for work drinks last night after our annual staff conference. Nothing wild, just the usual decompressing after a long day – chatting about husbands, kids, work nonsense, all the standard stuff. Everyone was in good spirits.

A colleague from another department tagged along. She’s never been out with us before but was perfectly pleasant – friendly, chatty, getting involved. All fine.
Later in the evening the conversation drifted onto marriage/dating/relationships. At that point she sort of clammed up and said she’d rather not talk about her personal life, but was happy to listen.
I apologised immediately as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She insisted she wasn’t, just didn’t want to discuss anything personal.

The whole thing has left me a bit 🤷‍♀️. It just felt… odd? We’re all grown adults, it wasn’t anything intrusive, just the usual light “my DH does my head in” sort of stuff. But she seemed very firm about it.
Is this just a boundary thing and I’m overthinking it? Or is it unusual to be that private in a completely normal, harmless conversation?

@notacooldad Well what did you speak about if you dont mind me asking?

so people who don't have husbands and kids aren't allowed to socialise outside of work?

You said herself she was very chatty about lots of more interesting things that would also come under 'after work talk', just not about personal stuff, so I really don't understand why you've taken so much offence to where she drew the boundary.

If she'd refused to talk about anything other than work you'd have a point, but she didn't. You're coming across as really quite insensitive if you can't imagine why some people might want to not talk about certain topics.

Yeah that was a drip feed tbh. If she chatted about other topics fair enough. The OP made it sound like she sat in silence listening.

Well what did you speak about if you dont mind me asking?

Blimey i cant even remember but we started off in a bar and everyone drifted in and we got food, we played pool, had some shots, got talking to another group that were on a hen night, moved on,. We danced , some one did karoke and we cheered her on.We went to a bar where there was a popular local rock band on and finished off in a wine bar. Some of tne group stopped for a kebab or something while we waited for our ubers.
I think some moaned that their feet were killing!

Probably just chatted shit all night but we all had fun and a good night.

I remember back in my long term single days in my late 20s id have felt uncomfortable with that question, because truth be told I had a bit of a hang up about it. Its more a wait until they say it first thing i'd say.

Update - Apparently this woman has worked for the company 16 years, and not once said anything about her personal life. How is that even possible?

Yeah I wouldn't really moan about my family or talk about my kids on a works night out. They're not my friends so I'd be talking about people they don't know. It's fine to not want to talk about that.

She might be in the middle of messy divorce, be a polyamorous s&m orgy fanatic. Who knows? But you don't really need to.

What do you mean by personal life? Just husbands/partners/girlfriends/boyfriends/
children? Or would it also include friends/relatives/hobbies/interests/holidays? I've been at my workplace a similar length of time and never spoken about kids or a husband because I don't have them. I do have a partner, but have never spoken about him for various reasons. When out with work colleagues, occasionally children are mentioned, but husbands/wives/partners tend not to be, unless in passing. I've certainly never heard anyone moaning about them. We do talk about interests/hobbies/holidays/TV/films/politics.

I do think it's odd. Not suspicious, obviously, she's welcome to be as private as she wants. But weird to draw so much attention to it by making a point of not saying anything.

Sorry, partners/marriage.

And she hasnt been out with us since that night actually

If she has never once said anything about marriage or partner in 16 years, maybe she isn't married, and doesn't have a partner? I was single until I was in my 40s so spent the first 20 years of my working life never mentioning a husband or partner, because I didn't and had never had either.

It's nowhere near as weird as the extent to which you're obsessing over her.

How do you know she's "not once" said anything? Did you send out a company wide email asking every single person? And, again, WHO CARES?

I'm not surprised she hasn't come out with you again. Either she was bored senseless of your talk about your uninteresting "hubbies" and kids or you made her unwelcome by your bizarre reaction to her very normal boundary.

You were wrong to ask the question; she was wrong to be so explicit about boundaries.

I've worked at my organisation for 14 years. People have an outlune but not the details.

Had you asked me the question, I'd have deflected with "ooh talking about relationships, have you seen Wuthering Heights? Oh wow". but I'd have had one drink, tinkly laugh, bought a bottle of wine and slithered off to bed

You've gone round prying into this poor woman's business, trying to find out if anyone knows about her personal life? That's pretty awful of you.

Maybe she's sick of people asking if she's going to have kids, when she's going to have kids, and if not then why. Because that happens sometimes when you're in a group of people talking about their personal life, and it's very tedious.

Or upsetting if you want kids more than anything and it's not happening for you.

Very odd woman....Hasnt mentioned kids to be honest. All very strange

Why is she odd? Because she was good at boundaries? Because she shut down your nosy-ness?

As she isn't part of your regular friend or work group and was out with you for the first time, I totally get why she chose not to share. Why are you so shocked by it though? I wouldn't want to share private stuff with people I may not even see again!

She might not have kids. She may not want kids. She may want them but be unable to have them which might be painful. She may have them but find parenting hard or feel she's a terrible parent. Why do you feel you need to know about her family life?

Not half as strange as assuming that a woman who barely knows you owes you all the intimate details of her personal life. That is weird. And intrusive. And nosey.

Sounds like someone I know! I get it OP - plenty of single and/or child free people talk about living alone (how they love their own space etc.)

Hi, If you are single why not just say so. Its a long time to work at a place and not say anything about your love life.

I wouldn't moan about DH to colleagues and there are definitely other topics about DDs that some colleagues are aware of and others aren't that I would shut down if it were brought up for discussion.

OP @Foxybingo32 can you have a think on for a few minutes and suggest a couple of reasons why she might not want to share info on relationships and dating? I can think of several good reasons within a few seconds.