Juggling family life as a corporate lawyer with a long haul pilot husband

[Motherhood12345]

We're currently living in Glasgow and my husband has got a new job as a pilot, flying long haul out of Heathrow. He previously flew short haul for another airline, flying out of Glasgow. I have a demanding job (corporate lawyer) and we have two young kids (aged 1 and 3).

My husband and I are currently considering whether he will be able to commute from Glasgow for his new job, or if we'll need to make the move down south closer to Heathrow. We would likely live in Surrey as I would get a new job in London and commute from there.

In Glasgow, we have my parents nearby who are an amazing support childcare-wise. If we move south, my husband's parents would be close by as they live in Sussex but it is unlikely that they would provide any childcare support.

Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation, or have a partner who flies long-haul? Do you also have a career? If so, how do you manage childcare? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses. It's helpful to hear everyone's experiences and opinions. I'm definitely going to give some thought to getting a live-in nanny or au pair. My husband is going to try to make the commute from Glasgow to Heathrow work for a few months but if it seems unsustainable, we will make the move down south - at which point, I think a nanny of some form would be absolutely necessary. In Glasgow, my mum currently provides a lot of our wrap around childcare (which I pay her for), but think that may be too much to ask with my husband's new role.

Are you dual qualified?

DH and I have basically the same jobs as you but no kids and it is tough.
it’s not just the hours for long haul, it’s the unpredictability and lack of flexibility. No routine. He will not be a reliable feature of childcare ever.
if he goes through a run of weeks where his days off are during the week - you won’t see him (bar being in the same bed for. Few hours) for weeks at a time.
good luck. It’s not easy.

@Motherhood12345

Good luck.

If the destination airline is BA (I'm only speculating that because of they way they have been recruiting recently) a lot will depend on the fleet (i.e. aircraft type) he is going onto...hopefully it's one of the long haul fleets that's relatively gentle (I emphasise "relatively")

Maybe if you can get through things initially without moving he can investigate moving onto a part time contract if such is available.

All the best, fingers crossed for you both.

You need to weigh up the new salary against your significantly increased outgoings in terms of housing and childcare.
Plus the possibly of flexibility meaning your income takes a hit. It’s very difficult to maintain a high flying corporate job while being the only one available for pick ups and drop offs.

@WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLadyno, I’m not dual qualified. I’m only qualified in Scotland but I worked in London at a city firm before having children.

I would stay in Glasgow if at possible. Your hours will be better and you have your parents and support network around you.
You're going to need to throw money at this - cleaner, nanny, meal service, laundry's service etc. As you just won't have the time.

Is this really the life you want?

If you're thinking about moving will you need to dot he conversion course, London corporate hours are crazy.

What are you going to in scenarios like when your husband is flying and school phone to say your child has been sick and needs collected immediately? It sounds insignificant but it's things like that, that makes it really fucking difficult for working Mums to salvage a career.

Notwithstanding the poster who suggested you'd be making so much money you won't know what to do with yourself.... Bear in mind that Surrey/greater london is very expensive and the commuting time adds a LOT to any job if you have to actualyl BE in london on a regular basis. if you're the one who is going to land up with all the childcare, and mental load (and I suspect you are), then I'll think you should stay where your support network is and where you are more likely to be abel to afford additional help. Moving to Surrey might help your Dh a bit with his commute, but that's the only advantage I can see right now.

As previous posters have said - basically you’ll need to adjust your expectations that he is going to be any help with parenting - and most weekends he will be absent. My DP knows of colleagues who commute from Scotland or further,
and coming off a long-haul flight straight onto a flight home has got to be pretty brutal, especially when there are delays or cancellations. Also, don’t forget the times he will be on standby and will just need to be sitting in a hotel near Heathrow for 4 days ‘just in case’. He will be jet-lagged and grumpy all the time! However, for your own sanity I would not move away from family who provide so much childcare tbh! Obviously it’s not all doom and gloom, but realistically it will be tough on you both x

Choosing a career over parenting is exactly that: a choice. I presume that both of you earn a lot of money so you can afford an aupair. That’s the only solution. Children need childcare other than going to nursery or school. They need so much more. Asking grandparents to step in isn’t a solution. Either one of you go part time, or pay for full time childcare.

Nanny

Moving to Surrey might help your Dh a bit with his commute

I'd not put too much emphasis on that consideration, sounds like the OPs commute would be more important.

One of the joys of being Long Haul crew verses being short haul crew is that you don't commute to base (e.g LHR) on anything like a daily basis (unless you have a training role)

The days of most of e.g. BA crew living in Windsor or Henley have long gone.

I had 4 young children a magic circle transactional job and a husband who was not a pilot but a gold card frequent flyer weekly commuting to the far east India and Africa in finance. The only way I could do it was a full time live in nanny with the first 2 kids and when the 3rd and 4th arrived the nanny was augmented by a daily mornings only housekeeper 5 days a week. So kids were covered, I did no cleaning or laundry, which mean when I (or he) were around we could focus on kids and not household chores.
Nanny moved to live out when youngest was about 3 and disappeared when youngest was 11. I had changed roles and it was more manageable. Kept daily housekeeper throughout (kids are all 18-27 now) but she’s gone down to 3 days a week as there is only one kid at home.
it costs a fortune. Never try to add it up.

One further thing to consider about the feasibility of commuting….
how frequent are the flights from your “home” airport to London? Can he get a sense of how busy they are? If it’s a popular staff commuter route, he probably won’t be too far down the list as a pilot but, as a new member of staff, will be behind longer serving pilots.
using staff travel for commuting flights can be stressful.

it would be great to hear your thinking on it all after this thread @Motherhood12345

I feel like we all gave the idea a bit of a bashing which I don’t think was intentional, just trying to be realistic.
hopefully you and DH can see a way to make it work. My DH loves his job and the perks are nice!

@Iwilladmit

Fair point, and Glasgow- London was popular for staff and those routes can be a nightmare for commuting..however just a point of order so to speak:

If it’s a popular staff commuter route, he probably won’t be too far down the list as a pilot but, as a new member of staff, will be behind longer serving pilots.

If we're talking the likes of BA then in basic terms entitlement to an unsold seat in the cabin is simply down to date of joining, the thirty year served cabin crew member always gets priority for that over the 29 year served pilot.

Without going inti details being a pilot might help is access to jumpseats, but there are still no guarantees.

I spent a few years commuting by air and it was a real bunfight at times...sometimes you got on, sometimes you didn't, so you need back up plans.

I suggest stay in Glasgow. The other option sounds easier for your husband but no one else, especially you. Also, if you stay in Glasgow surely you’ll be able to keep more of both your incomes. And the proximity to your parents and (I’m assuming) positive relationship with them and they with their grandchildren isn’t a small thing.

Full time Nanny.

Move to west London on the Elizabeth line (he to Heathrow, you to the city) and get a live in nanny

Agree at looking to live with access to the Elizabeth line, gives you an easier commute than Surrey for City, Canary Wharf or Holborn.

Although I hope staying in Glasgow works out for you. Best of luck.

I did about a year when ex and I were splitting up as a single parent abroad. I was working a demanding job for big multinational ans had a live in nanny/housekeeper who basically ran the house. She would cook all our meals, do laundry, took kids to/from school and so on. She didn't do big cleaning jobs so had a cleaner on top once a week, but she'd keep the house tidy and wipe surfaces etc.
It actually weirdly was better than when I was with exH as she really did everything I needed so my time at home could really focus on kids and I wasnt thinking about getting school bags ready, whether homework was done or any of the life admin tasks around the house. You need absolute trust in this person though (we are still friends 10 years later and in touch regularly).

Still worth bearing in mind the DH will comute to LHR (if that is where he will be based) 5 or maybe 6 times a month at worse, and doesn't need to be on the airport's door step...

If a move to London is on the cards I'd be prioritising making a commute into London as easy as possible for the OP..

Fair enough. Different airline, different rules.