Handhold / words of comfort - didn't get job i really wanted and was sure I would get

[AlorsTimeForWine]

I work in big tech, it was dysfunctional / toxic when I started but I could handle it.
From 2023 onwards the redundancies have been coming in waves. i took mat leave in 2024 and returned recently.

Now Its crazy - no psychological safety AT ALL in the office. It is like stepping into Kafkaesque nightmare.
I need to get out.
I have 2 kids 3 and under and the job market is horrendous.

By some miracle I got a referral for a job I'd be perfect for at a nice company that pays well!
I did 2 recruiter calls, 3 interviews and a presentation which took days to do!!!!

They left me hanging for 3 weeks (i emailed a week ago and was ignored by the recruiter)
another recruiter emailed me yesterday to say i didnt get it.
They had very good feedback but they went with someone else.

I'm devastated.
I really thought I had this job.

I am just spinning

The job market is a terrifying prospect.
Between 2 close mat leaves and the office environment my confidence is shot.( I somehow pulled it together for this interview)

Tell me something to make me feel better because I just want to cry had have cried all night and some of today. 😭

I feel trapped and hopeless.

Sorry you’re in this situation.

You’re at the hardest part of working / parenting with this extra stress. And have been doing it. You still have all the good skills/abilities and got the referral and positive feedback, and you still have a job for now (albeit shitty!), don’t give up!

Logically I know this is true.

But i'm working with contractors who havegbeen interviewing 12- 18m + with no success for permanent roles. Half these guys have MBAs form Wharton etc etc
I have a 2.1 from a Russell group uni

I also semi expect to be made redundant by year end.
I just thought this would very my escape hatch and instead im still stuck in this horror movie of a job

Ahhh that’s tough @AlorsTimeForWine ☹️It’s bad enough when you don’t get the job but when it’s an escape route from something you hate it’s even worse - been there, done that, and sending you big sympathies.

I know it’s advice that’s often given, but is there any possibility you could retrain or study for another qualification? Set up in business on your own?

@SirChenjins

I dont know now what i want to do and I fear failure hugely especially since having the kids.

Setting up my own business just terrifies me.
Retraining I just have no clue what I'd want to do

I think its some kind of paralysis.
The overwhelming feeling is fear and a sort of terror(?)

I'm the high earner, I carry the mental load, the house, the kids, the fucking dog, yhe everything.

The pressure is just immense.
Normally i can damp down the voices and tell myself i have a long term plan today it just feels like to much to bear.

I just thought this. Was. It. And somehow I fucked it up / wasn't enough / was too much
Despite having a perfect niche skills match and 2 verbal recommendations to yhe hiring manager 😭😭😭

I’m sorry you are going through this. I am going through this too. I even started my own thread about it a few days ago.

Dream jobs that were nightmares- help me feel better | Mumsnet

It’s heartbreaking putting loads of time and effort into interviews and presentations (I had to prepare tasks that took bloody ages to get right, and had to do a terrifying timed task as part of the interview) only for it to amount to nothing. I also had to wait for weeks for an answer and their feedback was basically “you’re experienced, but you don’t have the EXACT, very specific experience that we are looking for”. Well, you would have seen that from my application. And the job market is utterly crap at the moment.

But (and I’m talking to myself here, too) we have to keep the belief that something else will come up. You’ve already been referred once, who’s to say you won’t be referred again? Keep reaching out to people, keep thinking of ways you could strengthen and diversify your skills, keep thinking of other escape avenues. I, for one, will be rooting for you.

I'm so sorry, I've been there. It is absolutely gutting isn't it to come so close and be left hanging like that. You will get something. You are doing amazingly managing everything that is on your plate

It sounds as though you were the second choice - that's why they kept you hanging on to check the references of their first choice. It's annoying, but good practice and all a learning curve.

Good luck - I'm sure things will work out, just keep at it 💐

Ach I'm so sorry. I can only wish you the best and another option very soon.

I've had similar in the past. Working in a tech job I wasn't really enjoying, seeing my colleagues being laid off. I interviewed for a handful of jobs over around 18 months. Some I thought I'd done really well in, only to hear back about how close I was but they'd gone with someone else.

It's really easy to be disheartened because so much emotional investment goes into the process. A couple of times I had to let application deadlines for jobs I liked the look of pass by because I'd recently been unsuccessful and didn't have the energy to put into going through it again. I think giving myself a bit of time to decompress and recharge helped though, because I eventually got a job I really wanted around a year after being a "close second" for the same role at the same company.

Give yourself a bit of time and space when you need it, then you'll be ready to dive into the next opportunity when you feel ready for it.

Geniunely thank you eveyone 💗
I'm sat on the floor in the babies room next to the cot crying quietly 😅😭😅😭

Part of me knows it has to get better eventually but I am just so so overwhelmed with fear.

I know i can't just jump into any old thing but equally I fear unemployment to an irrational level AND i fear for my mental health by staying.

I have also stupidly allowed myself to mentally check out of my job (i barely checked back in tbh) because I didn't really appreciate how deluged the market is.

I also agree I was second choice and if the chosen one hadn't seen the job advertisement they'd have happily hired me, which just frustrates me more rather than comforting me!

For some reason I keep rereading the rejection email... its like i expect it to change?!?! And really I DO have the job 😵‍💫
The recruiter offered to give me feedback and to discuss other roles and I said yes and hes ignored it 😩
It makes me feel like such a worthless crumb.

Do you have a partner OP? It sounds like outside of the suffocating job situation, you're carrying too much.

The job market is broken. We're advertising for 2 roles in the team, 1 senior and 1 junior. The senior candidate turned down the role so we're back out looking at the half the juniors have ghosted our HR rep when asked for interview!

And there are people out there like you who want to work and want to do a good job but can't get an offer :(

Yes I do!!!
Sorry if I was painting a false picture- i still find FT job and a 3 and 1 yr old SO hard even with a husband. God knows how anyone does it solo!!!

My dh is generally kind / lovely but he gets worried about saying the wrong thing so generally just says things like " that sounds hard" and " i hate to see you like this"

He means well but I just dont feel empathised with / heard / understood. It feels like with kind of bland platitude you'd give to an acquientance who burst into tears in front of you.
Also it's easy to say yes yes it'll be fine. When you aren't the one having to bring in 65-70% of the income, do 70% of house stuff and stay healthy / not get burn out.

Oh I also wasn't well after the baby and had to have surgery 2 weeks ago on an organ which I suppose is probably also a factor now I think about... 🤔

Basically i feel afraid and alone and a bit hopeless.

The cry has helped a lot. I def feel I've got some of the hormones out and feel a bit better now.
Your stories / generally encouragement is also helping

I work in tech, the market is not as bad as you seem to think it is, it's certainly better than it was in 2009, 2016 & 2019. One of the benefits of being terribly old I suppose is that you've seen it before.:-).

Ignore the contractors at work, they are not your friend, neither are recruiters, they're in it for the commission. I'm a contractor (not south east) & I'm looking at the moment, it's actually not too bad. There seems to be more FTC, but this will shift to more proper contracts once those positions go unfilled.

In 2009, day rates dropped from £400 per day to £200/£250 per day for a few months. The trick is to time it right. Don't take the wrong role because you hit the market at the wrong time.
The day after the Brexit vote, the bottom literally fell out of the market. Thousands of roles disappeared overnight.

But they come back in time.

I totally get the impact of a toxic workplace. There's support online like never before around having boundaries & learning how to protect yourself. It will be useful to you later on.

PS> Make sure you don't tell recruiters who else you are interviewing with. They only ask you so they can sell in their own candidates.

An operation as well, you may not feel it right now but you have got this. I've been there and we somehow kiss our kids, pick ourselves up, and put ourselves out there again. Well done.

Just as an aside, I'd follow up on that email next week on a good day and ask for feedback and whether they feel you might be a good fit for any other roles coming up, because you like their company, what they do, ethos, blah blah 💐

Op, I know this will feel like it's not the fucking point - but the fact that your DP is not pulling his (I assume) weight will be massively impacting your sense of terror and panic.

I've been there and although it's been put to bed and things are much more equitable at home now, I'm still really angry about it if I'm honest. It pretty much broke me.

To deal with toxic and psychologically dangerous situations you need reserves and resources, and you simply cant have those if you are doing most of the shitwork and all of the mental load.

It says really bad things about your OH that he allows this to happen, or more likely looks the other way. But he's not the first - almost all of us are so well trained by the patriarchy (i know that makes ppl cringe but that is what it is) to pretend to ourselves that it's normal for women to be practical and parental packhorses for men that even if we see it at all, we can't acknowledge it.

My OH after we nearly split several times did allow himself to see how very badly he'd let me down. He wasn't dicking around with his cycling buds like so many on here - but he was somehow always 'busy' aka stretching out work so he could sit in his lovely office and tell himself how hard he was working to support us all.

Start that conversation asap. Everything that needs to be done at home should be equally split down to the last bookbag.

You will feel differently then because you will be part of a team. Then you can face whatever's coming with that strength.

Oh God, the disappointment of not getting the hoped-for escape job is so immense. It’s like heartbreak. I really feel for you, OP.

And you have a LOT going on. And the stress of all that you move been carrying is making your situation feel worse than it objectively is.

Make your first priority taking care of yourself in this moment, and lightening your load more generally.

You have so much going for you, and you’re not able to see it right now. I’d put money on it that you’re so used to overachieving that you can’t see where you can afford to coast a bit, or drop some things to create more mental and emotional space. But you can, and you will feel so much better for it.

Turn your anger outwards - this isn’t about you not being enough or too much or screwing anything up. This is about how shitty your current workplace is and how much you want to be free of it.

If your DH is generally lovely but just shit at comforting you, and if he means it when he says he hates to see you this way, then put him to work providing more practical support. More responsibility for house stuff, mental load. There will be an onerous marital knowledge transfer process if you have been handling it all, but it will be worth it if it results in less pressure on you and more of a feeling of teamwork.

Hang in there, and don’t let the bastards get you down.

Recruiters are cunts so I don't doubt they really built you up.

A warning sign in my books would have been no news for a few weeks. I would imagine you were the second choice so they didn't say no after the final interview to keep you warm and in case the preferred candidate pulled out but they didn't give you an offer or any proactive news either. I'm sorry it's horrible pressure and a really tough time.

Not getting a job that you thought you were perfect for is super disappointing. It’s happened to me more than once, and has happened again this year. This year it was an internal role, and they have re-advertised it without even interviewing me. Sorry you are dealing with this disappointment, especially while in a toxic work environment you desperately need to get out of.

You’ve got a work problem and a DH problem. It doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do about the work problem. The DH problem needs tackling. Working FT with 1 & 3 year olds is extremely hard! It needs to be tackled as partners. Why are you doing 70% of everything? Get hold of the “Fair play” book and card deck. Sit down with your DH and work through them together.

There should be some tasks that you can offload 100% responsibility for to your DH. I don’t mean “can you help by doing a load of laundry today?” I mean “Laundry is now your responsibility. I will not think about laundry, remind you to do the laundry or run around finding clothes when there is nothing clean”. I did this with my DH when I went back to full time work. It took a few weeks, but he got it. He does it differently to me, and I have to accept that.

The other thing we do is split the week up. There are days when I am in charge of the house and kids, and days when he is. The person in charge has to get kids to and from school, feed and walk the dog, cook dinner and clean up. The other person is “off duty” and can come and go as they please. With kids as young as yours this might not work, but you should be easily able to have allocated days for drop offs/pickups, dinner and looking after the dog (maybe one person does cooking & dog on the day the other does drop offs and pickups). Don’t let your DH get away with weaponised incompetence. Don’t make him “help”. He is not “helping”, he is taking responsibility for feeding himself, looking after his children and his home. If you can afford it, get a cleaner.

i know you didn’t ask for this advice, but it sounds like you are drowning in every aspect of your life. Maybe having your DH step up at home will help alleviate some of your stress so that you have time to figure out how to deal with work, and have more capacity to put into finding a better job.

Best of luck!

This post is excellent and what I was intimating with my question, not that you gave the impression you're a solo parent.

You're in a partnership and you're going through a difficult time with both health, work, and being a parent to young children.

You shouldn't be doing 70%. Your partner shouldn't be offering platitudes, but practical support. If he took something of your plate, you'd have more headspace for the job hunt.

if it's too awkward to articulate this to him, show him this thread. He's more than likely not a bad person, but we're all operating in a landscape where women are expected to shoulder domestic shit and have thriving careers, and y'know have workout and skin routines, and bear children who eat kale ..I digress.

You're doing amazingly, your DH needs to keep up with you.

all this! And Fair Play is a really good recommendation.

Sorry, meant to quote @thestudio 's excellent post

Thanks for the tips - the recruiter one is good!
Im mostly dealing with in-house so far.they are also dicks seemingly.

I was around but not in tech / not affected in 09 16 and 19 but its good context.

We have already done fair play 🙈 thats how i know its 70/30. What i would say
Since then he has taken on all dishes so maybe its a bit higher.
he is struggling / at capacity too in different ways and he now does a lot of the night / early morning stuff. Ive always been bad at mornings and when I got sick push came to shove a bit as lack of sleep made me sicker and he started doing almost all nights and mornings...which lets be real is a lot. Our kids are good sleepers in general but 2am is 2am...
He also basically handled the kids for a full weekend while I holed up to write the presentation and is supportive

he doesnt always get it right but he is trying and we've both found 2 under 2 hard.

I'd like to keep it focused on what twatty bastards the company are for not
A. Seeing my brilliance
B. Giving me my dream escape hatch

This thread has helped me see there's a lot going on and I need to give myself a break.

The cry earlier was much more effective than the 8/9 cries inhad before that. I feel a bit more clear headed.

Night gang and again- Thank you 💐

Just sending love. You’re in the trenches.

MY DH is in tech and made redundant 6 weeks ago. He’s about 45 job applications in and no joy but I think something will come up. It sort of has to?! Gah.

Anyway, I’m here to say, 2yrs ago I interviewed for me dream job - didn’t get it and it took me a year to regroup. They’ve just hired me on a 3mth contract and I’m trying to convince them to keep me. You never know what is around the corner x

@AgathaMystery you are right. You just dont know what's coming....

I actually did some browsing and found a job my dh would be perfect for last night at an AI company.
He has his own job challenges as his company is small 50-100 and while his dept is profitable the company isnt turning much of a profit and slowly sinking. Also he is imo underpaid...
If he got that job it would tbe £££ and would take a lot of pressure off... so who knows...

@Notmyrealname22
This year it was an internal role, and they have re-advertised it without even interviewing me.

😲😲😲😲 brutal!
This must have been SO hard. I'd find it really hard not to take that personally 🙈