Handhold / words of comfort - didn't get job i really wanted and was sure I would get

[AlorsTimeForWine]

I work in big tech, it was dysfunctional / toxic when I started but I could handle it.
From 2023 onwards the redundancies have been coming in waves. i took mat leave in 2024 and returned recently.

Now Its crazy - no psychological safety AT ALL in the office. It is like stepping into Kafkaesque nightmare.
I need to get out.
I have 2 kids 3 and under and the job market is horrendous.

By some miracle I got a referral for a job I'd be perfect for at a nice company that pays well!
I did 2 recruiter calls, 3 interviews and a presentation which took days to do!!!!

They left me hanging for 3 weeks (i emailed a week ago and was ignored by the recruiter)
another recruiter emailed me yesterday to say i didnt get it.
They had very good feedback but they went with someone else.

I'm devastated.
I really thought I had this job.

I am just spinning

The job market is a terrifying prospect.
Between 2 close mat leaves and the office environment my confidence is shot.( I somehow pulled it together for this interview)

Tell me something to make me feel better because I just want to cry had have cried all night and some of today. 😭

I feel trapped and hopeless.

I'm probably just shouting into the void but anyway...

Mid-month update

Health
2 more overnight trips to A&E last week have let me know the surgery did not go as planned... 😪
Annnnnd I have been told I am now considered high risk for a stroke at age 40 🫠🥴
So even more meds
Fan- tastic...

Recruiters
In amongst that nonsense i somehow spoke to 3 Recruiters in the last week. I said was open to FT roles or contracting...
All of them politely told me I was nuts not to even think about going into contracting.
One seemed baffled i was looking despite having a FT job that isnt at risk. she kept saying "so you are still employed at X...? But you are looking to leave...? You want to leave Now...?"
One older man who was trying to helpful/ nice told me more than once to not lose focus on my existing job or risk performance reviews due to applying for other jobs and was really clear I should only spend time applying for jobs I seriously wanted not speculative ones as its a waste of time unless you go at it 💯. He seemed to like me but be really concerned about my idiocy levels / naivety at the market 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm leaning back into work and I do feel its a bit more toleratable. Although being harassed for deliverables and chased to confirm attendance at afternoon meetings after a sleepless night in between being scanned, poked and prodded made me feel awful/ like a terminally unreliable loser in the game of life. I am really concerned this will be chronic and overshadow my life forever.

Exit plan
My actual exit plan is no further along thanks to hospitals with lead walls and no WiFi unless you hang out a window and world class procrastination skills.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
Hopefully will do something to vague move in the right direction in the next 4 weeks.

That concludes my pity party 🥳

This is the worst’s job market I’ve seen in my entire career and I was around for the dotcom burst, 9/11, and 2008. Give it another year, or however long it takes for people to realise that AI isn’t going to run their company for them. Hope your current job improves, I’d focus on trying to build your reputation internally so that your most competent coworkers become people who will remain in your network even if they leave. Your exit could be to follow one of them.

Sorry you received such worrying news from the hospital. Personally I would look for a total rethink regarding work. If I had just been told that I was at high risk of stroke at 40 I don't think I would be pursuing £200k job roles.
However if that is what you want then I would look for a decent job coach - you seem to be making mistakes that people competing for high salary jobs don't make e.g. 'I didn't realise that AI couldn't read my CV'. Good luck going forward.

I feel your pain and disappointment OP.

I was in a similar situation, I had a career which I loved working for what was a great company which offered me the flexibility to do school pick up and drop off. Then they went through a restructure losing one third of staff and those who were ‘lucky enough’ to keep their jobs suddenly had to pick up the slack. I was working 60 to 80 hrs a week, I had a useless manager and found myself part of an all male team and sidelined at every opportunity. The job market was very quiet which led me to feeling trapped.

A year on from the restructure I decided that I needed to move on. I was invited to interview for what felt like my dream job. I honestly thought that I had it in the bag, then I received an email to say that I hadn’t been successful. I was devastated as I’d been walking on air for weeks thinking that I would be leaving and moving forward shortly.

I cannot tell you how hard I found it to pick myself back up, lots of tears and feelings of resentment however over time it became easier.

I stayed in touch with the manager and staff who had interviewed me via LinkedIn. Every 6
months I’d message to see if they had any roles. It paid off as 2 years later they offered me a role however by that point I’d moved on to another role elsewhere which was even better.

It will turn around OP but it isn’t easy.

Two interviews this week (including pre-interview tasks to complete). Two emails saying “we have decided not to pursue your application further” today. I seriously don’t know what else I can fucking do. Redundancy money has gone, now living off savings.

How is everyone else getting on?

Ugh that’s hard. Still applying here, about one application per week but with children at the end of the school term that’s about as much as I can manage. Having no childcare or cleaner is horrendous. I always appreciated the help, but honestly the cleaner is way more efficient than I am, and the mental burden of household management is a real thing! I am SO motivated to land a role and have some summer camps lined up so that it will hopefully happen by autumn.

Despite the heat wave I'm finding that baby its cold outside 🥶❄️😓

The good

• No more A&E on new med combo 🎉
• beloved baby is saying a few words and singing now 💕
• spoke to one more very good recruiter they said my CV and career was strong (market is tough yadda yadda) and put me on file
• DH has a new job! It's a bit red flag filled (literally as chinese company) and very likely a 996 job 💀 BUT we could live off his new salary if we had too and its low redundancy risk.

Also "good" (?) I've not being fired this half (😅😅😅😭) so the stay of execution continues

The bad

• it was a haaaaard week. I couldn't bear work at points. Everytime I think I've leaned in and I'm in a flow I find I'm not. I'm flailing and slowly hyperventilating because I dont know what the f they want from me.
• A coworker i like resigned for a job elsewhere she was just deliriously happy. I felt so sad for me / happy for her and just overwhelmingly jealous of her escape.
• elsewhere...a terrible excoworker who was made redundant landed a role at the company that broke my heart and inspired this thread. 💔

Terrible excoworker made me realise I need to cop on and focus on my my own swim lane... stop crying in the disabled toilet and get my shit together.
It's been 8 weeks and I havent my even landed another interview. Alors! Come on!!!

So i did NINE goodish applications today and about 9 more here's my CV type ones.

@PenAndPapyrus i resonate... when the house isnt in order neither is my mind. I actually think one of the warning signs im not okay is i feel nothing when I see mess in the house now. I forgot to wash the children's clothes entirely this week. i would say at this point my dh is doing 70% of home stuff right now while I stare in middle distance

Day 84 on the starship enterprise

I've been aggressively looking and got 2 screening interviews.

1 is a hot prospect which I would bloody love to get and pays 200k. Its 7 stage, i've done 2 stages so far which means 4 more loops and one boss level to go. I have a 1 in 7 chance.

2 was an absolute no go - screening call was just red flag central.

I also had lunch / connected with 2 ex colleagues at different companies. It was really nice and not as cringe as i expected. They said they'd keep an eye out and give me the jump on any new jobs (I missed one good one by 4 weeks which was annoying)

I also got my mid year checkin score, which further underscores I have no zero future at this company and made me feel like a worthless turd.
I'm very seriously considering getting signed off at this point...which is something I never thought I'd say EVER.

Good stuff @AlorsTimeForWine. Your persistence is really admirable.

While it all sounds tough, that's great if you've started some networking. Getting interviews is excellent. Keep going.

You certainly could get signed off - maybe you could take a week self certified and then see how you are feeling? You don't want to get totally burnt out. Or you could ask for the statutory unpaid parental leave and take a chunk of time( assuming you are eligible)?

The appraisal system is often poorly run, and please don't let your self worth be tied up by some company's made up scoring system. Its not objective, and also if you've fallen out with your boss, they can pick on the slightest thing . Mine seems to just want everyone to be happy and blames individuals for not getting along when the problems are usually due to the org design he's put in place, or incompetent people he's hired...

I've also been job hunting, and at a senior level ( though more like half the salary you mention), there are of course fewer jobs. What I've found is that my friends/ex colleagues aren't exactly creating roles, but they are very positive about helping out or encouraging me to apply. And that does make me feel better to know that someone else values me.

Finally, have you thought any more about a coach? Just to feel more supported.

Thanks Both. I've done my crying and I'm
more circumspect today.

Very honestly I would be very happy for anything over 100k (we need me to make about 80k to maintain status quo as DH got a decent bump with new job)

It's clear is the beginning of the end
... which in paper is good and what i want!
As i hate it there. The people the culture and the work are awful. I have no confidence in our big director/ VP or my line manager.

But the fear is what's holding me slightly.
Also the you are worthless / useless which i know isnt true but also dont

I do think my CV is good / I'm employable.
I just need to keep going. I'm inclined to quiet quit and just apply aggressively.

I have some annual leave coming up so going to enjoy the kids, switch off slightly and take stock.

The September Update No One Asked For 😅

Quick life update: I’ve officially hit burnout territory 🔥 and have been to the doctor to get on top of it. Not ideal, but necessary.

On the job front, August was productive — 5 interviews total:

2 didn’t make it past the recruiter stage (some red flags, so I bowed out early).
1 was interesting, but the role is net new and the company isn’t quite sure what they need yet – so it’s on hold for now.
1 solid opportunity
1 excellent prospect — genuinely on par with, or better than, the role I was gutted about missing earlier this year.
For the last two:
I’ve made it to the final 2 for the excellent one and am now waiting on the final decision 🤞
The solid one is progressing – I’m through to second stage* *and starting loop interviews next week.

That’s where things are at. Hoping the next update brings good news and fewer doctor's appointments!

I’m keeping my fingers crossed you’ll get the excellent job, OP 🤞🏻Hope it all works out for the best for you.

Thanks ❤️
Me too...

We've already reviewed finances in case i dont find something / i cant get my head in the game and need to take a career break (which I'd rather not do).

I should know in the next week or so I will update here but honestly I dont know how unhappy more energy I have to give to this. I applied for A LOT of jobs to get those 5 interviews....

Final (i hope) update:

I got the job 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
My first choice phoned today they offered me the highest comp they could on the role (which is a bit of a cut but still very decent)

It is a massive relief.

I prefer this company to the initial one that caused me to start this thread so ultimately it has all panned out....

Also cant wait to tell my line manager to go fuck himself... he will miss me as much as I'll miss him...

Fantastic news OP - well done!

Oh wow you did it!!

Sort of situation where you give your colleagues a leaving gift because they have to stay…

mass congratulations, you so deserve this

My advice would be to reduce the load by rehoming the dog. Give your attention to the DC instead. They are probably too young to miss the dog and it is impossible to do absolutely everything, which appears to be your current situation.

Thanks guys I am so so so relieved and sooooo happy.

I cannot tell you the relief that I am finally getting out....!

@PermanentTemporary 😅😅😅 💯 yes...
And when they see where I have gone they will def be a bit salty!!!

@Redburnett I have cried bitter tears about the dog but yes she needs rehoming. I've started contacting shelters but based on what I have seen I think it will be a while as they are very backlogged.

This happened to me I took myself off for a luxury holiday then got my dream job a year later

LOVE that you were bold enough to do that.
Where did you go?

This whole thing has just taught me how afraid I am! 🥴

I think this is good advice. Like Robert Evans said “There is no luck, luck is just when preparation meets opportunity.”

Brilliant news! Actually inspired me to keep applying. Hope you continue to improve your compensation package in the next few years. Really well done!