Handhold / words of comfort - didn't get job i really wanted and was sure I would get

[AlorsTimeForWine]

I work in big tech, it was dysfunctional / toxic when I started but I could handle it.
From 2023 onwards the redundancies have been coming in waves. i took mat leave in 2024 and returned recently.

Now Its crazy - no psychological safety AT ALL in the office. It is like stepping into Kafkaesque nightmare.
I need to get out.
I have 2 kids 3 and under and the job market is horrendous.

By some miracle I got a referral for a job I'd be perfect for at a nice company that pays well!
I did 2 recruiter calls, 3 interviews and a presentation which took days to do!!!!

They left me hanging for 3 weeks (i emailed a week ago and was ignored by the recruiter)
another recruiter emailed me yesterday to say i didnt get it.
They had very good feedback but they went with someone else.

I'm devastated.
I really thought I had this job.

I am just spinning

The job market is a terrifying prospect.
Between 2 close mat leaves and the office environment my confidence is shot.( I somehow pulled it together for this interview)

Tell me something to make me feel better because I just want to cry had have cried all night and some of today. 😭

I feel trapped and hopeless.

IMo you’re being way too soft on your H. We all have work challenges and parenting / domestics to do - he’s not doing his faire share.

He’s clearly not ‘at capacity’ if you are doing 70% at home - and you earn lots more. And you have had surgery!

He is clearly all about the pointless platitudes but OK with seeing you burnt out and unwell whilst not doing his fair share. He has a challenging job, he can easily figure out what needs to be done and do it.

Been there got the many tee shirts. Hang in and keep looking for other roles. Check back into your current role as you need to keep it until you find something better. Network extensively both in your company and externally.

If you’re working at a big company, there are often micro cultures, such that some teams are less toxic than others. If that’s the case, consider applying internally for other roles. The networking will help you know which teams have better cultures.

Good luck. I’m currently without work, doing independent freelancing, and it’s terrifying. I has small kids and a high stress protracted divorce so my network went cold, then I lost my role in a restructuring. Please keep up your network and keep applying. Lots of people do that well. If you do decide to divorce (which I don’t recommend unless you really need to) sort out your career first.

Hope you land something and can see this in the rear mirror soon.

@Dozer
it's not ideal. Honestly I am no pushover but I'm not going to give my husband who was up from 4am with our 14m old a load of grief right now.
You can push people too far and a broken sad DH or worse a broken marriage isnt going to help me.

@PenAndPapyrus that sounds really tough... the prospect of divorce with two small kids and the job situation must be intense. I suppose you just have to breathe and plough on. Sending positive vibes 💗

My network honestly is pretty terrible 🙈🙈🙈 it's just not something I like doing i find it so cringey and transactional. But I can see it's just have to start doing it. It doesnt feel optional these days.

In other circs I'd say yes to looking at an internal move but here I would be wasting my time. The company is terrible intentionally (my employers use the experience team that planned Disney for their offices... everything but everything is by design). People are also very focused on their performance reviews to the detriment of anything else.

Despite my posts on here... i think im pretty resilient generally 🧐 and i am feeling a lot more circumspect today.

Am going to use chat gpt to review my CV and help me knock up some cover letters for a couple of jobs tonight and maybe apply for some on Sunday night.

I think leaning back into my work night help my internal self esteem too so am going to "not think, just do" for a few weeks.

We also do have savings and could afford for me not to not work for 2 years if I had to. I need to keep telling myself we will be okay no matter what happens...

And lesson learned (I hope) to NOT get attached to any job during application process🤦‍♀️

That sounds like a very sensible plan. Regarding networking, I don’t mean cheesy sales stuff, but rather if you work with anyone you actually like, even on adjacent teams, invite them to friendship. Coffee, eat together at lunch etc. I’ve had best friends from work, and we help each other not because we’re scoring points but because we’re humans who like to lift up others who are kind.

hmm rereading that it does sound a but saccharine, but it’s true so will not delete it!

Am also in tech and our place has changed from a wonderful creative and collaborative place to zero psychological safety, micromanaging through panic and a new layer of management who don't seem to understand modern ways of working or modern software.... we are all in despair.

I have a toddler and it is really really tough. I'd leave without a job if I could afford to, but of course it's risky and I need to keep my hand in to stay up to date .

So, I have paid a brilliant coach to help me cope with working there, and help me get a website and a CV together. The coach told me to get a therapist which I'm also doing. It is so hard to find the time but I've stretched lunchtimes or finished early to do this.

As for networking, can you try going for a coffee with people you've worked with in the past? People have always been kind and remember a lot of jobs aren't advertised. Coach said I needed to prepare for these meetings with the sort of jobs I'm looking for and ideally have a website ready.

Can you go to any meetups or free tech conference? AWS seem to have a lot of free sessions in London.

Finally, can you get weekend childcare help? We've found people,through asking around neighbours and school contacts. I don't feel guilty about a couple of hours on a Saturday if it means I'm looking after myself.

I didn't even know what psychological safety until a coworker mentioned it a few weeks ago
I googled it and my mind was blown... 😅

The paralysis and inability to do the smallest things (is this email okay??? 😵‍💫) is hard to fight sometimes...

I have a therapist... sort of. it's actually marriage counselling but we cover a lot of stuff.

I sent a couple of coffee messages (i dont know why I still find it cringe) and have reset my expectations somewhat and my aim is to escape by year end.

To make me feel a bit better I sold some vested RSUs so that's £20k in the bank - real diamond shoes are too tight BS going on here...😬

The weekend childcare is an interesting one. Weekends are always just kid time - never occurred to me to outsource childcare. Not sure how i feel about it... but will turn it over... needs must and all that...

I decided to update this until you know... things actually get better.
So if someone else is having a shit time and googling this in 2 yrs they can see what happened to me.

Initial update is... mixed?

I feel more circumspect- on reflection the job wasnt perfect and would have had its own challenges and i was/am just desperate for an "easy out".

I also decided to just start leaning back in with my current job - i already feel better about myself for doing this but its alsp necessary. See below 😬

My company announced more cuts at mid year 👍

We also found out DHs is getting made redundant. 👍 👍

His boss got PILON but they want dh to stay on to wind it down and get mugged off
I know they are going to get him to work his notice and im trying to get him to see they aren't his friend.

After initial shock, he is actually very positive/ optimistic.

I feel "not good" about it all but am saying the right things.

The coffee messages have been left unread or ignored 😬 and the recruiter for the job i didnt get has just ghosted me despite offering me a call to give me feedback and discuss other roles 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do firmly believe taking a minute right now might be useful. There is a lot going on right now... including 18m sleep regression 😩😩😩 which i am woken up by but dh is dealing with...

Oh no, sorry to hear that about your and DH’s job. Keep going!

Sorry to hear that. I’m in similar-ish boat: hate my job, desperate to leave, but DP is about to be made redundant (again), and I’m the one with the ‘stable’ job even though I think we are heading for another round of redundancies.

the media are not reporting on what’s happening in the jobs. Since NI contributions went up, so have redundancies and a lot fewer jobs.

what sector are you in?

Can you not take a year out and be a sahm while you reflect? Could you reduce outgoings somehow? You just sound exhausted.

Sorry, had to read your update.

hadn't

That sounds really rough but equally I keep telling myself this is just not that unusual these days (mortgage people i know have been impacted in some way over the last few years) maybe it's just our "new reality" 🤷🏻‍♀️

Interesting point re reporting.. I remember as a child unemployment and redundancies were in the news every night...

I am in BIG big tech but in an unskilled non-tech role.

@TheGrimSmile I have actually considered this but i just don't think it's the right choice for me.
It would just a stopgap that kicks the problem down the road and if anything for my personality type i think it would make me MORE stressed 😬😬😬

I spent this morning in a role play cafe pretending to have broken bones / put out fires/ bake "big rainbow cakes" which was nice as it let my brain turn off for an hour or two

Whenever I don’t get a job I tell myself it’s fate and I would have hated it or something better is coming along. You will get something better!

Can I join your club?
I have been in my job for 3.5 years and hated it from the day I started. I had an interview yesterday for a job I'd love to do. I messed up the assessment and waffled in my interview.

I came home and cried, not because I messed up but because I self sabotaged my escape route 😢

It's hard right???
Practice is really helps.

I find doing STAR based exercises helpful because once you have a few examples you can adapt them to whatever gets thrown at you.

Ive been autorejected from 2 jobs without even a recruiter conversation which i was very disheartened by. Ive since learned AI cant read the format of my CV 🙈 but also 😡 so going to reformat this weekend

My DH has got 2 interviews lined up - one is tomorrow so at least things seem to be going more positively for him...

the job market is really bad right now. you have to learn to not take it personally, it's all very much like dating. you'll be a right fit or you won't, and you'll never know the reasons why. just move on.

Best thing to do is practice as many interview questions as possible, you and your husband should both go over all kinds of STAR questions with each other.

I don’t get why you’re doing 70%+ of the housework/child stuff/mental load? Is it because you’re a woman?

Minor / Major ? update:

I reached out to hiring manager directly last week via LinkedIn asking for feedback (nicely) and over the weekend they sent a very specific message explaining that they really liked me and would have hired me EXCEPT someone else did a just spectacular presentation (it was next level by the sound of it ) and to stay in touch as hopefully they'll have more HC soon. I actually felt quite tepid about another role there which sort of surprised me.

Then this morning I went back to see my surgeon for sign off. He officially confirmed my body isnt fucked and i wont leave my kids motherless I'm healthy - hurray!
My response was to break down crying 😬

We talked a bit and it's becoming clear i put a lot on pause over the last year or so while dealing with baby and health stuff. I never questioned working FT until today. I always felt it was right for my family... until now.
Now I am questioning pretty much all my life choices.

I have been hearing the abba song slipping through my fingers in my head and bursting into tears ALL DAY.
What is going on????

If anyone has a grip they can give me it would be appreciated... 😬

Good updates!

good news about your health!

Good news about potential jobs at the place you interviewed at. But unless they have a proper ‘reserve list’ hiring manager could approach you directly to make an offer you’ll likely need to go through hoops again - do-able.

I personally don’t think the answer is part time work, especially when it’d reduce any redundancy pay, you likely need to change employers soon and your H is facing similar work challenges. Discrimination against PTers is rife. Sadly.

Release from fear like that is going to leave you with lots of untethered emotions. if I'm completely honest it sounds like me when I'm premenstrual That doesn't mean the emotions are necessarily bad guides, but I would ride a few waves before taking big decisions on that basis. Boring, huh? Sorry.

I went through similar a few years ago. Stuck it out at work and am so glad I did. Lots of (mostly female) colleagues went part time or took time out of work to be a full time homemaker, and then really struggled to get back into work. I only know one who re-entered at a similar level of seniority, and she is married to the owner of the company she works at.

If you decide to reduce your paid working hours, I recommend that you reach out to people who know who have done it AND returned to the work force after their leave. Then, you have a realistic picture of what you are deciding.

Recruiters are duplicitous, self-serving bastards in love with the unnecessary reflexive (“I’m just reaching out to yourself…”).

Of these sins, I can’t decide which is the most worthy of punishment.

Thanks guys! ❤️

I am HATING this week at work but planned a nice weekend outing with the kids.

The points about leaving FT work are very valid particularly at my level... I know the reality is that 200k pa jobs are not just hanging off trees and falling out of cupboards...

Hope you have a lovely weekend with the family. That’s a great way to recharge!