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Husband wants to relocate our family

90 replies

OneNewOchreTurtle · 08/04/2025 12:38

I have been working on my passion project for a few years, so far making just about £20k a year, I have just started making some real money with it. My earnings have increased to £79k this year and I have plans to grow further to increase my earnings further. This is something I absolutely love doing, I am constantly working on it, even when I am not working it is always on my mind but in a positive way- because I love what I do. I started this because it fitted so well around my family life, my children have always been my first priority and I stayed at home when they were both little. My husband has been able to work on his career and I have always been adapting what I do to allow for him to do his job which means he spends long periods away, does long hours etc. So the responsibility of the house and family is fully on me and always has been. He is a high earner and earns much more than I do.

He has been offered to relocate to America and bring his family, they could potentially increase his salary to make up for the loss of my salary and/or get me a job doing admin. When he mentioned about it for the first time yesterday he was super excited saying I am more than capable to do that job, who would be my manager etc. he had clearly been thinking of it for a while.

the thing is, this project is my baby. I have just got it off the ground and I am so excited about the potential. Two years ago I would have gone and not even thought about it, but for the first time in my life I am earning some real money for myself, I don’t want to drop that again for him. I have dropped things previously but I don’t want to now.

Not only would I be shifting papers in an office, I would be working 5 days a week for 4 weeks annual leave compared to my current 4days a week/ 8 week annual leave. I would also make around 30-40k a year, with potential to make about £60k. We don’t have a shared bank account so if they increase his salary I won’t really see the benefit in the same way as if I was earning my own money. My husband is very generous, and does put the family first with spending his money, but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family. That was the reason why I wanted my own money, now I can buy what I want within reason of course. But I don’t want to go backwards into being dependent on him.

I think the children would settle well, they are doing great in their current environment but I think the schools we would put them in would be better than their current school. As an experience I think it would be valuable for them.

for my husband of course it’s a great opportunity, it allows for him to keep his high salary and potentially earn more, guaranteeing work for probably at least 5 years. I would of course enjoy living in America, I always thought I’d like to experience that if I had the opportunity.

my project is not something I can leave, sell or take with me. It requires me to stay in the UK for now at least.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 08/04/2025 12:44

My husband is very generous....but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family.

No he is not very generous
He did not "let" you see family?
If you are married you need full disclosure
Send him to USA commuting back n forth for12 months
Imagine being far away giving up your passion for what?

user1471464395 · 08/04/2025 12:49

What part of America? Would you really want to live there now with Trump? He doesn’t sound like a generous husband if you had to ask him for money when you were at home. There’s other things to consider too, healthcare in America can be very expensive. We considered moving but the frequency of school shootings alone put me off. Have you considered what would happen if you split? He could leave you with no income and stop you taking your children back to the uk

FortyElephants · 08/04/2025 12:56

Don't do it. If you hate it and want to come home he can block you from taking the children. He's not generous, he's an arsehole. Don't become dependent on him in any way.

Scrubbingblinds · 08/04/2025 12:57

Your husband is financially abusive. As a PP has said, if it doesn't work out, you could be stuck in America or forced to leave without your DC. If you move your options are go without your own money or provide childcare, act like a housewife and work almost full time in a job you don't enjoy. Tell him no.

Dreamerinme · 08/04/2025 13:00

You and DC remain here and he can commute between UK & US. If he’s a high earner then he should be able to afford that - whether he would want to is another matter of course.

The main sticking points are you giving up your dream project/job when you’re finally making it work for you, and he’s a high earner but wouldn’t give you money to visit your family. The latter is appalling and controlling and I hope you can see that. What if you move to the U.S and want to come back for a visit to your family and he refuses to help pay for flights for you and DC? What if he refuses permission to let your DC leave the US and you are stuck in a much lower income job with a DH who doesn’t share finances? You could really be up shit creek.

Let him go but if I was in your shoes it would be an absolute no. His dream is over there but yours is here.

AntiHop · 08/04/2025 13:00

Do not go. I'm so shocked that he sees his salary as "his" money when you've accommodated his career in so many ways.

Also, I absolutely would not be moving countries with a man who doesn't treat you as an equal partner. I wouldn't move to the US right now with trump in charge. It's going to get messy there, especially for foreigners.

DrummingMousWife · 08/04/2025 13:02

It would be a no from me.

Smokesandeats · 08/04/2025 13:03

He’s been planning this move for a while and I think it’s because you are starting to make your own money and becoming more independent. Moving to the US would make you more dependent on him again.

My advice is to say no.

Jackiebrambles · 08/04/2025 13:03

Yeah as soon as I read he keeps his money separate and not only that, you don’t have a joint account and he’s refused you access to funds - my answer would be no way Jose!!

SomewhereinSuberbia · 08/04/2025 13:04

If he is controlling all the money and only wants to go there to enrich himself, then there does not seem much in it for you.

TeapotCollection · 08/04/2025 13:04

Don’t even think about it! Wouldn’t ‘let’ you go and see your family?!

Just no!

RaspberryBeretxx · 08/04/2025 13:04

Someone who wouldn't give you family money to visit your family isn't someone I'd want in full charge of my future. And he would be - once the DC are settled, you may not be able to bring them back to the UK without his say so. Even your job would be through him. You may not even be able to stay in the US with the DC if you split for some reason. You'd be so beholden to him.

Then on top of that you have the political climate in the US and Trump and the anti-women agenda. Plus the fact that you have your own business that you LOVE and is your passion and it is earning good money. I honestly would say it's a no, you'd have to give up so much for a man who has proven that he thinks he's in control at least of the money.

Tiswa · 08/04/2025 13:05

Not a chance in hell I would currently move my family with my work situation (freelance so could do it still abroad) with my husband to the US in the current climate.

So in your situation absolutely not

Hoppinggreen · 08/04/2025 13:05

Smokesandeats · 08/04/2025 13:03

He’s been planning this move for a while and I think it’s because you are starting to make your own money and becoming more independent. Moving to the US would make you more dependent on him again.

My advice is to say no.

Exactly
I would be very suspicious that this has come now you are getting less financially dependent on him.
It would suit him for you to be stuck doing a little admin job in a place where you couldn't just up and leave him

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2025 13:07

I am an American and currently living in the US. DO NOT COME HERE under a Trump regime. Women are losing all rights. They are destroying the public health system. Foreigners and immigrants are at risk at any moment of change of status and deportation.

This sets aside the serious issues you have at home with a financially controlling husband. Don’t move away and give up your passion project, family, and friends.

snapdragonx · 08/04/2025 13:07

No.

Whoarethoseguys · 08/04/2025 13:10

Just say no.
He isn't thinking about you or your career at all. And he doesn't know you either if he doesn't realise how much you live what you do. £79 k is a lot of money. Stay , build and up your business and if he wants to go tell him to go alone.
Tbh even if it wasn't for your business I wouldn't go to the USA in the current climate.

turkeyboots · 08/04/2025 13:10

All of the above, plus you and he need to look hard at any offer. You'd want at least double his UK salary (plus yours), health insurance etc.etc.etc. America is a very expensive place to live, with hidden taxes everywhere. And it's only going to get more expensive as recession looms.

DecafDodger · 08/04/2025 13:10

Hm, so give up your business that you love and your own income to do some boring low paid admin job while he develops his career and keeps his income to himself? What's in it for you?

HoppingPavlova · 08/04/2025 13:13

My husband is very generous, and does put the family first with spending his money, but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family. That was the reason why I wanted my own money, now I can buy what I want within reason of course. But I don’t want to go backwards into being dependent on him

With this alone, I’d give a tinkly laugh and a very big NO.

OneNewOchreTurtle · 08/04/2025 13:16

I’m glad you have all said No- as it has been a strong no in my mind but also wanted to be sure I wasn’t being selfish, which I know I shouldn’t feel like I was. I definitely don’t want to be in a position where I am again dependable on him, and yes I 100% would be as the job would be through him at a place where he is in charge so if we split up he could definitely make me lose the job if he wanted to. I promised him to keep an open mind and explore the opportunity, he is so excited about it. Thank you for the good points as well, with Trump etc.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 08/04/2025 13:18

He seriously wouldn't give you money to go see your family? What an abusive prick. Does he think he's living in the 1950's? Once you're in the States you will be entirely under his control with no escape and no support. You may even have to leave the kids there if it all goes wrong. Tell him to go on his own - serves him fucking right!

Ponderingwindow · 08/04/2025 13:19

If you don’t pool money don’t even entertain this idea.

but really, don’t move to the U.S. right now. Like many of my fellow U.S. citizens, I am very worried we are facing the fall of our democracy. While I personally live a relatively privileged life that is so far seeing little change, it is impossible to ignore what is happening around me.

Shetlands · 08/04/2025 13:22

NO NO NO
He's shown you what being dependent on him looks like and you definitely don't want that again. He's going to put huge pressure on you to agree to this, maybe even trying to manipulate the children onto his side. I hope you find the strength to maintain your resolve.

scoobs321 · 08/04/2025 13:23

Would you even be allowed to work in the US - I guess it depends what type of visa you'd be getting