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Husband wants to relocate our family

90 replies

OneNewOchreTurtle · 08/04/2025 12:38

I have been working on my passion project for a few years, so far making just about £20k a year, I have just started making some real money with it. My earnings have increased to £79k this year and I have plans to grow further to increase my earnings further. This is something I absolutely love doing, I am constantly working on it, even when I am not working it is always on my mind but in a positive way- because I love what I do. I started this because it fitted so well around my family life, my children have always been my first priority and I stayed at home when they were both little. My husband has been able to work on his career and I have always been adapting what I do to allow for him to do his job which means he spends long periods away, does long hours etc. So the responsibility of the house and family is fully on me and always has been. He is a high earner and earns much more than I do.

He has been offered to relocate to America and bring his family, they could potentially increase his salary to make up for the loss of my salary and/or get me a job doing admin. When he mentioned about it for the first time yesterday he was super excited saying I am more than capable to do that job, who would be my manager etc. he had clearly been thinking of it for a while.

the thing is, this project is my baby. I have just got it off the ground and I am so excited about the potential. Two years ago I would have gone and not even thought about it, but for the first time in my life I am earning some real money for myself, I don’t want to drop that again for him. I have dropped things previously but I don’t want to now.

Not only would I be shifting papers in an office, I would be working 5 days a week for 4 weeks annual leave compared to my current 4days a week/ 8 week annual leave. I would also make around 30-40k a year, with potential to make about £60k. We don’t have a shared bank account so if they increase his salary I won’t really see the benefit in the same way as if I was earning my own money. My husband is very generous, and does put the family first with spending his money, but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family. That was the reason why I wanted my own money, now I can buy what I want within reason of course. But I don’t want to go backwards into being dependent on him.

I think the children would settle well, they are doing great in their current environment but I think the schools we would put them in would be better than their current school. As an experience I think it would be valuable for them.

for my husband of course it’s a great opportunity, it allows for him to keep his high salary and potentially earn more, guaranteeing work for probably at least 5 years. I would of course enjoy living in America, I always thought I’d like to experience that if I had the opportunity.

my project is not something I can leave, sell or take with me. It requires me to stay in the UK for now at least.

OP posts:
Tigerlilian · 08/04/2025 13:25

Nope.

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 08/04/2025 13:25

I wouldn't move with a controlling man to a country that is trying to do everything to control women. Even before all the Trump bollocks the gun crime would put me off.

Topseyt123 · 08/04/2025 13:25

He's not at all generous if he even refused you the money to go and visit your family. I bet he would refuse to pay for airline tickets for you to visit them too.

Don't do this. You would be giving up on the job and the financial independence you have worked so hard to establish. Then if you go to the US and don't like it you won't simply be able to leave and come back home with the children because once they are settled there he can block that.

I'd be telling him that he could go to the US and commute back and forth. He won't like that, I am sure, but why should you give up everything.

Then there is also the issue of Donald Trump. America is not a place I would even want to visit right now.

Renamed · 08/04/2025 13:28

Not only would you be tied to this boring unrewarding job because you got it through him, you would also be trapped because you would need it for your visa, for access to health insurance etc etc. you would be giving up so much and taking big risks and for what?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 08/04/2025 13:28

Honestly I would pack his bags and let him go on his own. He's financially abusive - can you see that?

candycane222 · 08/04/2025 13:34

He doesn't think about you much does he? Not as a person partner and equal, anyway
He views you as a domestic appliance that he keeps lubricated with "generosity" to tey to conceal the control and the disdain - possibly even from himself ("what a great husband I am, so generous with the money my wife is just as entitled to as I am because its all family money)

Tiswa · 08/04/2025 13:34

Of course he is excited he has you tied down to him completely if you go - what area of the US is it.

you would be reliant on him for everything and he has already shown not to be tristed

just say no you aren’t going

beAsensible1 · 08/04/2025 13:36

If your are a sahp your partner shouldn’t be “giving” you money. You should have access to it as an equal adult.

it sounds like your financial independence has been hard won in something you love. Be very cautious about giving it up.

as others have said he can commute. Let him.

Ddakji · 08/04/2025 13:36

He sounds financially abusive. Why did he refuse to buy you tickets to see your family?

Jackiebrambles · 08/04/2025 13:40

Good luck OP, stick to your guns, I don’t think he will make this easy for you as he clearly wants to go.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2025 13:40

I mean no. Not in the circumstances you describe here.

Could your passion project we run remotely / transfer to the US? I mean you’re so so lucky to be doing something you love and making good money at it. I would be so so reluctant to give that up - especially not to be the trailing spouse of someone with his financial thinking.

Also, well, America. I mean I love the country but I’m not sure I’d want to live there right now. Whereabouts is the move (no need to be specific - just east coast, west coast, mid west etc).

Grimbeorn · 08/04/2025 13:41

Good grief no. Do not do this under any circumstances. He has proved that he is controlling. You would be placing yourself entirely within his control, because if you split when out in America you wouldn't be able to leave with the children unless he permitted it. Depending on your visa, you could also find yourself ejected from the USA and he stayed there with your children.
Going with him has the potential for you to be permanently separated from your children. Even if he agreed to get a joint account now and insisted you can trust him, there is no chance at all you should take even the tiniest risk of losing your children.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 08/04/2025 13:45

Just adding my Absolute No to all the others.

Be prepared for pushback & drama when you tell him you don't agree to the move and stand your ground

Squiggles23 · 08/04/2025 13:46

A decision like that needs to be one you both make together. There’s no way he should be ‘pushing’ this. There would be so many factors to think of.

The admin job would definitely be a no. I would also warn you a lot of jobs in the US expect you to work very long hours and weekends with minimal leave. This won’t be in the contracted hours but would be an expectations. It would likely be a big back step for family life for you both.

It worrying that when you were on 20k and raising the children he wasn’t sharing his large salary with you in some form or another. Ultimately you are married and should be a unit. It’s very unusual not to have a joint account to pay bills and perhaps some shared savings at least. I think my partner and I had one by the time we moved in together).

If you feel you would be financially dependent on him then that’s a reason to say no anyway, even before considering your own business which is clearly your passion.

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2025 13:50

At the current moment, I am ashamed to say, no visa or contract with any US entity can be relied upon. Trump, with the assistance of a compliant republican party and his supreme court, are abrogating rights and agreements freely. Students, professionals, long term green card holders can all have their status ignored, abrogated, changed, and violated at a moment’s notice. It is simply not safe. Upper class white dh might be safe. If you are non white or he gets angry at you —you will not be safe.

Goldbar · 08/04/2025 13:50

This move would make you much more dependent on him.

Sadly he is not someone you can depend on.

He has only himself to blame if you refuse to contemplate it (which would be my position).

Worst-case scenario is that you're trapped, impoverished, in the US, or deported, if your relationship ends, and you can't bring the children home with you.

rookiemere · 08/04/2025 13:53

Putting aside your business, I would not recommend anyone moving themselves or their families to the US right now for jobs. Trumps actions seem to have pushed the USA to a countrywide if not worldwide recession. Not a great time to be moving over there as a foreigner I would think, particularly if the protectionism policies for US people continue.

WhisperGold · 08/04/2025 13:59

He keeps his money and won't give you money for tickets to see your family? That'll be a no then.
It's only a great opportunity for him, not for the family.

100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 13:59

OneNewOchreTurtle · 08/04/2025 13:16

I’m glad you have all said No- as it has been a strong no in my mind but also wanted to be sure I wasn’t being selfish, which I know I shouldn’t feel like I was. I definitely don’t want to be in a position where I am again dependable on him, and yes I 100% would be as the job would be through him at a place where he is in charge so if we split up he could definitely make me lose the job if he wanted to. I promised him to keep an open mind and explore the opportunity, he is so excited about it. Thank you for the good points as well, with Trump etc.

It's an interesting opportunity - I can't say great as any DH who thinks a bit of admin will suit someone like you, has got real issues with understanding his wife and partner.

But it's certainly not the time, with your childcare business starting to fly.

How will be be if you say no? That's the question. Has he even considered you will?

unsync · 08/04/2025 14:12

Irrespective of all the other issues, move to the USA? Do you watch the news? That's a NO right there.

Things might not be great in the UK, but even if hell froze over, you couldn't get me to step foot in the US.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 08/04/2025 14:14

cestlavielife · 08/04/2025 12:44

My husband is very generous....but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family.

No he is not very generous
He did not "let" you see family?
If you are married you need full disclosure
Send him to USA commuting back n forth for12 months
Imagine being far away giving up your passion for what?

This.

Don't go. He is financially controlling and doesn't consider you as an equal in the relationship.

Codlingmoths · 08/04/2025 14:18

It’s his fault you are saying no. If he were actually a generous person who treated you like a family unit you might be happy to. He’s not, why would you go do this thing you don’t want to and give up so much so he can make more money that’s his not family money?? Tell him clearly- you’re a man with a family and a wife who sacrificed her career for years to support your work but your money was all your money. You said no to me spending money on things like seeing my family. There is no way I am giving up this job I’ve worked so hard for - and I did this while still supporting your job, so you can just earn more and have even more of a career. Have you ever appreciated how much I have supported you to have a family? I can’t see that you have, and I’m running out if support to give. I am definitely not about to step up the support level- I think you should reflect on whether actually you should be stepping up the support level for your family.

CatsMagic · 08/04/2025 14:19

Jackiebrambles · 08/04/2025 13:03

Yeah as soon as I read he keeps his money separate and not only that, you don’t have a joint account and he’s refused you access to funds - my answer would be no way Jose!!

I agree with this , and FWIW I did give up my dream job to become a trailing spouse , it’s worked out well for me but in your situation I absolutely would not.

Ddakji · 08/04/2025 14:19

Hold on, in February you said you’re preparing for divorce?

What’s going on here, @OneNewOchreTurtle?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5280785-preparing-for-divorce?reply=142389725

Grimbeorn · 08/04/2025 14:22

Ddakji · 08/04/2025 14:19

Hold on, in February you said you’re preparing for divorce?

What’s going on here, @OneNewOchreTurtle?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5280785-preparing-for-divorce?reply=142389725

Oh FFS. What a waste posting on this thread if you don't give us relevant information!

February: I'm considering divorcing my horrible husband.
April: My generous husband wants us to move to US, should I throw myself entirely on his mercy?

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