Husband wants to relocate our family

[OneNewOchreTurtle]

I have been working on my passion project for a few years, so far making just about £20k a year, I have just started making some real money with it. My earnings have increased to £79k this year and I have plans to grow further to increase my earnings further. This is something I absolutely love doing, I am constantly working on it, even when I am not working it is always on my mind but in a positive way- because I love what I do. I started this because it fitted so well around my family life, my children have always been my first priority and I stayed at home when they were both little. My husband has been able to work on his career and I have always been adapting what I do to allow for him to do his job which means he spends long periods away, does long hours etc. So the responsibility of the house and family is fully on me and always has been. He is a high earner and earns much more than I do.

He has been offered to relocate to America and bring his family, they could potentially increase his salary to make up for the loss of my salary and/or get me a job doing admin. When he mentioned about it for the first time yesterday he was super excited saying I am more than capable to do that job, who would be my manager etc. he had clearly been thinking of it for a while.

the thing is, this project is my baby. I have just got it off the ground and I am so excited about the potential. Two years ago I would have gone and not even thought about it, but for the first time in my life I am earning some real money for myself, I don’t want to drop that again for him. I have dropped things previously but I don’t want to now.

Not only would I be shifting papers in an office, I would be working 5 days a week for 4 weeks annual leave compared to my current 4days a week/ 8 week annual leave. I would also make around 30-40k a year, with potential to make about £60k. We don’t have a shared bank account so if they increase his salary I won’t really see the benefit in the same way as if I was earning my own money. My husband is very generous, and does put the family first with spending his money, but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family. That was the reason why I wanted my own money, now I can buy what I want within reason of course. But I don’t want to go backwards into being dependent on him.

I think the children would settle well, they are doing great in their current environment but I think the schools we would put them in would be better than their current school. As an experience I think it would be valuable for them.

for my husband of course it’s a great opportunity, it allows for him to keep his high salary and potentially earn more, guaranteeing work for probably at least 5 years. I would of course enjoy living in America, I always thought I’d like to experience that if I had the opportunity.

my project is not something I can leave, sell or take with me. It requires me to stay in the UK for now at least.

Nope he’s financially controlling, don’t give up your career and move for his. Nope nope.

You’d have to be mad to even consider this, for many reasons, but most importantly because your relationship is apparently in divorce territory.

Once he has you out there, if the relationship ends, you’ll be on your way back to the UK sooner than you can say “spousal visa withdrawn”. Without your kids.

No.

I agree, don't do it! I moved to America with DH and it's completely fine but we have fully joint finances. Given your DH's attitude to money there is no way you should be making yourself that dependent on him. What would happen if you split up?! Even if you could get a visa (which is going to be harder at the moment and even when I did it back in 2016 it took most of a year), if you are the main caregiver parent working culture is tough out here, there's very little PTO. I work freelance as a result (and even in a good year I don't earn as much as you are!) As pp suggests, explore whether he could go by himself.

He wouldn't allow you to go and visit family

This is controlling and abusive OP, I hope you can see that

This was the part I was going to highlight and comment on too.

@OneNewOchreTurtle op you had to be dependent on him while you cared for this dependents. Then you had to ask and be told no like a child.
He’s selfish !
With his money his time and his overall perspective . He is the centre. .
You would be better off if you divorce him ( not saying to divorce ) but all the money
you have supported him to make over the years . You would receive half .
Is he just thinking about himself or does he want you dependent and isolated again . ?

Not a chance I would go . To relocate you would need a different husband

Manipulators are very clever and try and make it seem they are oh so generous when it suits them . See right through him.

I wouldn’t move to America for any money.

He is excited because in his mind you are all going .
I means doesn’t he decide what’s what in the home .

If you are taking care of all the domestic stuff but you don’t have full access to his salary, he should be paying you a ‘wage’ for his share of the childcare and housework.

In principle it sounds like a great opportunity but in your specific circumstances it would be a really bad move.

It sounds like your marriage
is rocky so I definitely wouldn’t go if I were you. On a practical note if he moves to the US then they need to be paying your husband considerably more than he gets here to maintain a similar standard of living. As a rule of thumb they used to say that he wants to be earning double the amount in dollars. E.g If he’s on £100k here he wants to be on at least $200k (circa £156000) there.

My husband is very generous,

No. No he is not.
I would not be moving to US on two fronts:
Firstly it sounds like he is putting you down and expecting you to be reliant on him again.
Secondly, America is not a place I would want to be over the next few years.

Focus on what you have here and keep moving forward.

No. This man is not giving you access to money and is controlling.

I suspect he’s only moving to the US so that he can further control you.

If I were you I would verbally tell him yes - you’ll move and then file for divorce while he’s away.

I’m not even married to my partner and I still have access to his money. It is weird having to ask for money and puts you in a very weird power imbalance.

Why are you putting up with this??

You would be absolutely crazy to move abroad with a financial abuser
but it's not so great staying with him currently given how he's treated you

No fucking way! I gave up my job to be a SMH when my kids were little, which meant my DH was able to concentrate on work and increase his earnings. But he always saw me as an equal partner. If there was something I needed (like a visit to family, who live in another country) he would have paid for it without a discussion. If we couldn't afford it, he would put it on the credit card and work longer hours to pay it off. Generosity is a favour you bestow on people - that is not how you treat your wife, espcially not one who has economically disadvantaged herself for the good of her family. My DH was never generous with what we both see as family money, because it wasn't just his to bestow.

Expecting your DH to be generous to you is setting a low standard and one that he hasn't been able to live up to in the past. So in your shoes, would I hell be sacrificing my income and career AGAIN, to move to a different country and put myself completely as his mercy. He might not be happy abut giving up the chance to go, but that is part and parcel of being a member of a family - you don't always get to do what pleases you and you alone, while dragging everyone else along in your wake.

Everything everyone said, plus American schools. Not a chance.

When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family

This is horrifying.

Making this move, losing your independence, losing your business and becoming wholly dependent on this financially abusive prick would be an enormous mistake. Huge.

When DH was offered a job I was told I couldn’t work for several years. So fuck that. And American schools just now.

I think you have bigger problems than this move. He wouldn’t let you go see your family???

I'm in a similar situation that my husband earns a lot, we put his career first, family is all on me, and we have had to move continents for his work (and thus restricted my working options).

BUT.

We have a joint bank account and I can spend as I please, and I fly business class to my see my family. I cannot imagine my husband saying 'no'. There is no his money. It's our money. Because without me he wouldn't be able to earn this much. Or have a nice family unit, with kids taken care off and everyone being happy and balanced (compared to if I worked long hours and we'd have to rely on nannies etc).

So based on that I wouldn't go. Your husband can fly there and back?
It is a tough one. But his approach to family finances absolutely stinks.

Not unless he's prepared to go all in with totally shared finances and you not working - you will have too much else to sort out I'm guessing.

You've set out good reasons why this does not work for you. I think you either need to restructure finances in the marriage so that a move is in your interests, or to make a proactive decision about being separate.

I would consider myself a roaring success if my passion project earned that kind of money OP! Do not give it up

Actions have consequences. The consequence of his financial abuse is that you decided to work on your own finances. Now you have secured them you don't want to jeopardise that, let alone swap a career that you love and that fits around the family with a lower paid boring grunt job with longer hours and fewer holidays. SO the consequence is that you won't be giving up what you have here to follow him to the US. He can choose to commute or turn the post down. Make it clear that refusing you the money to see your family means that you need your financial independence and the US won't offer that. When he pushes back I'd point out that you can see why its an attractive proposition for him but he is asking you to swap work that is flexible and enjoyable for a lower paid option that is neither. Follow that up with a tinkly laugh and and head tilt and ask him why he thinks that's an attractive option for you?

Good grief, he is a very high earner and when you were at home with the kids he nit picked what you spent and prevented you from visiting your family and he doesn't see the money as joint family money, despite you supporting his career? What does that mean for your retirement? What if he left you?
This would be a hard NO from me, you've just got some financial independence back and he wants you to throw that away, even without it being something you love it's an extremely concerning request.
On top of that I personally can't imagine anything appealing about living in the US, especially right now, though I appreciate that's personal preference and not really the main issue here.
I think it feels that he knows he's losing control over you and this plan will neatly put you back in your place whilst giving him deniability that its his goal.