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Husband wants to relocate our family

90 replies

OneNewOchreTurtle · 08/04/2025 12:38

I have been working on my passion project for a few years, so far making just about £20k a year, I have just started making some real money with it. My earnings have increased to £79k this year and I have plans to grow further to increase my earnings further. This is something I absolutely love doing, I am constantly working on it, even when I am not working it is always on my mind but in a positive way- because I love what I do. I started this because it fitted so well around my family life, my children have always been my first priority and I stayed at home when they were both little. My husband has been able to work on his career and I have always been adapting what I do to allow for him to do his job which means he spends long periods away, does long hours etc. So the responsibility of the house and family is fully on me and always has been. He is a high earner and earns much more than I do.

He has been offered to relocate to America and bring his family, they could potentially increase his salary to make up for the loss of my salary and/or get me a job doing admin. When he mentioned about it for the first time yesterday he was super excited saying I am more than capable to do that job, who would be my manager etc. he had clearly been thinking of it for a while.

the thing is, this project is my baby. I have just got it off the ground and I am so excited about the potential. Two years ago I would have gone and not even thought about it, but for the first time in my life I am earning some real money for myself, I don’t want to drop that again for him. I have dropped things previously but I don’t want to now.

Not only would I be shifting papers in an office, I would be working 5 days a week for 4 weeks annual leave compared to my current 4days a week/ 8 week annual leave. I would also make around 30-40k a year, with potential to make about £60k. We don’t have a shared bank account so if they increase his salary I won’t really see the benefit in the same way as if I was earning my own money. My husband is very generous, and does put the family first with spending his money, but he does keep it as his money. When I was at home I had to ask him if I wanted something and sometimes he said no- for example tickets to go see my family. That was the reason why I wanted my own money, now I can buy what I want within reason of course. But I don’t want to go backwards into being dependent on him.

I think the children would settle well, they are doing great in their current environment but I think the schools we would put them in would be better than their current school. As an experience I think it would be valuable for them.

for my husband of course it’s a great opportunity, it allows for him to keep his high salary and potentially earn more, guaranteeing work for probably at least 5 years. I would of course enjoy living in America, I always thought I’d like to experience that if I had the opportunity.

my project is not something I can leave, sell or take with me. It requires me to stay in the UK for now at least.

OP posts:
Flutterbyby · 15/04/2025 15:30

I don't understand why anyone would ever put themselves in such a position

helibirdcomp · 15/04/2025 15:40

American education sounds very substandard too. I don’t think disrupting your children’s lives to give them ‘an experience’ is a good idea either. Find them a summer camp, exchange place or just take them on holiday if you want to do that

Bambootrees · 15/04/2025 18:06

Do not go. Put yourself and your children first

FinallyHere · 15/04/2025 21:50

Two/three weekly commuting is entirely possible. DH was offered a consulting role just when he was due to retire and spent a further ten years commuting to the west coast.

do you really want your DC’s home to be the other side of the world to your home? Factor in cost of university and risk that, once the DC are settled, if you split up you would not be allowed to take them back to uk.

bit really, don’t go as trailing spouse to a man who goes not give you free access to family earnings. Just don’t.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/04/2025 23:14

OneNewOchreTurtle · 08/04/2025 13:16

I’m glad you have all said No- as it has been a strong no in my mind but also wanted to be sure I wasn’t being selfish, which I know I shouldn’t feel like I was. I definitely don’t want to be in a position where I am again dependable on him, and yes I 100% would be as the job would be through him at a place where he is in charge so if we split up he could definitely make me lose the job if he wanted to. I promised him to keep an open mind and explore the opportunity, he is so excited about it. Thank you for the good points as well, with Trump etc.

And if you did split up he could prevent you returning to the UK with your children. Horrendous post on here not that long ago of a UK citizen stick in Australia in those circumstances.

Pinkissmart · 16/04/2025 06:43

OP, your post made me so sad.

Please prioritise your own earning potential and your career satisfaction - it sounds like you are an amazingly clever and resourceful woman.

It's OK for you to be selfish here, but there are a handful of really good reasons not to go. Wanting to stay for a job you love and earns well should be at the top of the list.

Your husband sounds deeply worrying. There's no way I'd want to be so dependent on him in a place where you have no secure rights. Even if your husband was amazing, there's no way I'd go to the States now.

I hope you have the strength to say no

GCAcademic · 16/04/2025 07:47

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/04/2025 23:14

And if you did split up he could prevent you returning to the UK with your children. Horrendous post on here not that long ago of a UK citizen stick in Australia in those circumstances.

Depending on her visa status, she could also be made to return to the UK without her children if they split up.

Wellnowlookhere · 16/04/2025 08:16

I had this very situation come up 10 years ago. Small kids, good schools offered, more money for DH. He was very excited by the opportunity but I’d just seen my career pick up and was enjoying it and experiencing financial independence for the first time after being a SAHM on limited income.
I said no, we didn’t go, I don’t regret it.
we are now divorced (5 years after the job offer) and I earn twice as much as I was then, and my career is much more fulfilling than it would have been. You sound like you’re considering it for the same reasons I did.

My advice is don’t do it. It appears you still have many years to work, and to be potentially stuck in work you don’t enjoy is grim.
Also, my XH was not controlling with money. Yours is, sorry OP. If you can earn a bigger income it will protect you more from whatever may come down the line.
Send him off to the US to commute if need be, but I would liken it to when an airplane is in trouble, if the oxygen masks fall, take care of yourself first before others so you can look after those who need it.

User37482 · 16/04/2025 08:20

He’s financially abusive, getting a pay rise to make up for your shortfall that you won’t even see is a joke. I don’t even work and I have never once had to ask my Dh for money, ever.

Stay put OP, your business is just taking off, you are starting to make some good money and buy yourself some financial independence and he wants to move you so you are again dependent on him. Red flags all over that.

User37482 · 16/04/2025 08:21

helibirdcomp · 15/04/2025 15:40

American education sounds very substandard too. I don’t think disrupting your children’s lives to give them ‘an experience’ is a good idea either. Find them a summer camp, exchange place or just take them on holiday if you want to do that

It is, I live somewhere with a lot of international schools, British curriculum is considered to me much more through than the American one (been told that by people who have chosen the american system as well because they felt it suited their child better).

BellissimoGecko · 16/04/2025 08:27

no! It’s your turn to do what you want. You have facilitated your h’s career your whole married life. He can take the job and travel back and forth if he wants to.

Also, he’s financially abusive. The cheek of him. Expecting you to do everything and move around for him, bringing up his Dc, and he doesn’t share everything 50-50 with you?

Attheendoftheday86 · 16/04/2025 08:32

This is financial abuse OP. If you are bringing up the children then you should have a shared bank account.
For contrast as soon as I had our first daughter 13 years ago my husband's bank account became our shared bank account and it still is now. You are a unit, no one person should be better off than the other.

hestkuk · 16/04/2025 08:38

No one in their right mind would move to America under the current political circumstances.

Just say no OP and keep saying no. He can't make you move. He could say he is going whether you go with him or not. Let him.

He's not generous either, he's financially controlling. Won't "let" you buy train tickets to go and see your family.
It's not his money, it's family money as soon as children are involved. You are contributing by earnings from your project which are now increasing and also by bringing up the children and he is contributing by working in a job which happens to.pay more than yours. But it's still family money and it should be going into a shared pot. You shouldn't be having to ask him for basic stuff.

Roseshavethorns · 16/04/2025 08:50

There is no way I would be moving to the USA under the present regime. I just wouldn't ever feel safe.
Are you sure you would be able to work? You would have to be very careful with your visa. In Trump's America you could end up in shackles in a detention centre for making a mistake (also for speaking your mind).
From what you have said regarding your business and your DH attitude to money I really would not be prepared to give up everything to blindly follow him.
Could he go on his own?

Ener · 16/04/2025 08:54

No fucking way.

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