I could have been someone…

[Myfailedstory]

Please excuse this rant but perhaps it’s the weather, the crap job market and my hormones all colluding to turn me into someone miserable…

As a child, I was super ambitious though never massively confident.

A handful of years ago, I had a career in a very competitive environment (think telly but not quite). I was forced to leave as many in our org were when their time had come, and got a reasonable pay off. I was semi relieved as I had been in ‘Telly’ for years and although it could seem glamorous from the outside, I began to feel trapped and a bit bored.

I had the chance to spend more time with my small DC. And then about 18 months later went into a more lucrative career with my transferable skills…I was learning and earning. It wasn’t as ‘fame building’ as telly but I was convinced I had leapfrogged several pay brackets with this experience.

Covid hit and with it redundancy. I clawed by way back into another organisation with my transferable skills but that contract could not be extended beyond two years. The pay was good but the title was not.

I convinced myself I would launch my own business or have an internal role with any famous organisation. I don’t know what it is but I’ve failed to build much momentum for the 3 months I’ve been off. Jobs are scarce, pay out there is really poor.

Meanwhile, friends and ex colleagues in telly are doing amazingly well. Think ‘book tours’; ‘own shows’; industry awards etc.

I don’t regret the time with the DC but I do wonder if I should have gone back into ‘telly’ though I was burnt out. I was as ‘good’ as some - not all - of the ones who have gone on to set the world alight. I used to be so ambitious but really struggle to multi task with DC and their needs etc.

Suspect it’s Adhd and menopause looming.

How do I get my career mojo back? Any books/tips?

(I know comparison is the thief of job but I can’t help it).

I think don't regret the choices you've made because who knows what may or may not have happened had you made different decisions. There is no way of knowing. You're comparing your reality to a fantasy.

In terms of your mojo, have you got the funds for a women's business coach? I have heard really good things about this approach. Does your industry have a mentoring scheme you could join (or start!)?

Go down to the job centre and get a job.

I was forced to leave as many in our org were when their time had come, and got a reasonable pay off.

but the telly work seemed to have come to a forced end for you anyway doesn’t an option?

so you’re unemployed
have you been job hunting and not been successful?

I am freelance and do have some paid work but it’s very part time (though at a very high day rate). I would liken it to the difference between being in telly full time vs going on to offer lucrative but short workshops.

We have a financial cushion thanks to years of paying down our mortgage and some investments. I’m in a semi lucky position of not needing to panic and get down to the job centre.

I am more interested in finding out how people rediscovered their spark; whether anyone ‘went back’ or if they have ever taken a back seat and then come back to an even more successful career? Maybe I should just be happy with my lot but I guess I fear ageism is creeping in too for employed in-house positions.

well so could anyone

If it wasn't actually telly, I'd put money on publishing/contemporary art/music industry?

If it is that, or if your industry is like this, the arts is absolutely horrific at the moment. Salaries are at 2004 levels if they exist at all. Networking is all geared at under 40s with no kids. It fetishises precarity for the talent so it's not even "cool" to have a mortgage to pay.

Get a 3-day a week PAYE job somewhere worthy but steady, like public sector. Set your freelance up as a business with a website and a business plan.

🤣 I was sat there thinking where is I could have been someone from? My way? And boom you got it.

Sorry Op that's all I have to offer.

Who decreed your time had come and forced you to leave the industry?

@SilverChampagne someone pernicious who is now probably top dog in the industry. The way he did it ensured it sort of was and I can’t go into it further due to legal constraints. My award reflected his actions.
@booisbooming That is constructive advice, thank you. Yes my former industry is probably quite ageist now and it fetishes extremes - a bit like porn! Nuance has no place anymore whereas before, it it was done cleverly, it would be prized for showing creativity and insight.

well so could anyone

Yep, I immediately had Kirsty MacColl in my head.

Not sure if this will be relevant. I am sympathetic. In terms of feeling the spark, I have contacts who get so enthusiastic about things that I consider to be really boring, but clearly they have a different view of things than I do. I don't know where they get their spark and their drive.

I suppose the main thing would be to talk to people who do still have that spark and try and figure out if you can get it.

I often feel as if my career came to a dead stop and now I just need the money. The actual achievements are in the rear view mirror and some days that doesn't sit well.

It is different in my case because it's partly to do with my mental health when I'm being realistic. I know I have gone as far as I can, but I do have days where I look at other people and just think "why can't I do that". However, for me it's much more about making money. Is this something you actually really want to do? Maybe I just didn't want it enough. Could that be the case for you?

I hope this waffle made sense.

Ha! My thought exactly.

As someone who feels she missed her vocation for various complicated reasons, I sympathise - although I wonder whether you are actually, in yourself, missing the work or is it more about what you aren't doing, that others are, that you feel you should be (iykwim)? In other words, would you be content if others weren't on book tours yada yada yada?

🤣🤣

All female careers go up and down amd have peaks and troughs ime.

Highly recommend "be obsessed or be average" and "the 10x rule" by Grant Cardone.

Watching with interest as am in a similar position OP

I know it’s a massively privileged position compared to most people, and I probably just need to get an average job and be happy!

It’s the downside of being a bright kid who was told “you can achieve anything!”

I work in tech so somewhat different but a lot of this resonates (including my face no longer fitting and it becoming ‘time to go’). I took a real honest deep dive into my career so far and made a list of the things that I’d loved doing, the things I liked doing, the things I could tolerate as part of a role and the things I never want to do again!
The role I’m in now is still tech but a totally different industry and crucially contains none of the things I hated - bingo, my spark and enjoyment of working has returned!
It might not be that easy for others but it’s really worked for me.
Good luck!

I was in a high flying career too OP, was a “bright young thing” with it all at my feet at one point.

There are loads of us. For every one who made it to a “top job” there are 10 who didn’t, and you can easily triple that for women.

I think the source of your dissatisfaction comes from a) age and the realisation that this is probably it and b) the fact you were forced out, which is shitty. But as a pp says, you can’t guarantee you would have made it otherwise. And even if you’d had the option you might not enjoyed it that much (esp given your comments on how the industry has gone) and might not have kept going especially after kids etc.

Be realistic about what the alternate universe would have looked like, and about why you feel this way.

@meringue33 "It’s the downside of being a bright kid who was told “you can achieve anything!”

yes I was that kid. It's probably better to be told that than anything else but sometimes i think the sense of not having done well enough will bug me when I'm leaving this world. But the reality is I'm not passionate about anything in particular. Certainly nothing that makes good money.

I do also wonder how I'd feel if I had fewer successful peers but I don't know how they stay motivated. I was bored by 30.

I think you are looking for your spark by comparing yourself to others rather than focusing on a job that would make you happy. I think many of us could have been more but would more actually make us happy in our lives as they are now. I have a job I enjoy and I could take a step up, better title and more money. But the reality is I am good at this job and where I am in life now means I want less stress and not more.

I sometimes feel like this about journalism, I miss the free Glastonbury passes and telling people I was a newspaper editor. Now I have a middle management nhs job that is a bit dull.

However, then I remember I went through 3 cycles of redundancy consultation in 8 years (leaving the third time), journalism is now all clickbait, and the pay was awful. I earn more than double what I did in my senior manager newspaper role.

i still want to make a difference and imagine a different role within the next 2 years. I have a nice team but God the job is dull… pays well and I can do it 9-5 easily so I feel I should be happy, but I’m not.

Telling people is a big part of my unease sometimes

I am freelance and obviously have to tell people the most impressive things I've done but then i can sense them puzzling over why that stuff is in the past....then I don't want to downplay it because it would then reflect on what i get paid now.

I understand, OP. I also often think this.
In my 40s I was in a prestigious role, paid well, asked for my opinion often in the industry and I used to speak at conferences as a headline speaker, attracting big audiences etc.
Death of a parent, remaining parent needing help/care and zero flexibility from employer followed by (suspicious and nebulous) redundancy meant it all disappeared almost overnight. Then, after second parent died and I was trying to claw my way back in, my DC2 developed problems which needed my heavy involvement, so it just never happened.
I still feel quite bitter, not least because the men in my life (my brother and my DH) who could also have taken some responsibility managed to sail through, their lives and careers unscathed!

DH, who is a few years older than me, has just taken early retirement and keeps talking about our 'plans' and I just think 'oh, right, is this it for me then? My career is oven then?'

Big sympathies @TiredWife . And some of the answers on here are quite illuminating. It’s as though we are forced to accept our best years are behind us. I’m still in my 40s. I could have another two decades of work ahead of me. I appreciate many of us were high achievers at school and in our early 20s. I didn’t choose a corporate career though. I chose a very competitive one and moved countries too. I hate the word famous but I was high profile-ish at one stage. If we take the TV analogy, maybe think a ‘fill in presenter’ rather than the permanent main event but still called on and known with a following of sorts that disappeared once the role ended.

On reflection, I don’t think I’m pining for my old job or even industry but for the status perhaps.

In the absence of status, I still want to achieve something with the rest of my working life but I haven’t worked out what that is yet.

Where do people who have a bit of luxury of time/money/seniority find that inspiration?