I could have been someone…

[Myfailedstory]

Please excuse this rant but perhaps it’s the weather, the crap job market and my hormones all colluding to turn me into someone miserable…

As a child, I was super ambitious though never massively confident.

A handful of years ago, I had a career in a very competitive environment (think telly but not quite). I was forced to leave as many in our org were when their time had come, and got a reasonable pay off. I was semi relieved as I had been in ‘Telly’ for years and although it could seem glamorous from the outside, I began to feel trapped and a bit bored.

I had the chance to spend more time with my small DC. And then about 18 months later went into a more lucrative career with my transferable skills…I was learning and earning. It wasn’t as ‘fame building’ as telly but I was convinced I had leapfrogged several pay brackets with this experience.

Covid hit and with it redundancy. I clawed by way back into another organisation with my transferable skills but that contract could not be extended beyond two years. The pay was good but the title was not.

I convinced myself I would launch my own business or have an internal role with any famous organisation. I don’t know what it is but I’ve failed to build much momentum for the 3 months I’ve been off. Jobs are scarce, pay out there is really poor.

Meanwhile, friends and ex colleagues in telly are doing amazingly well. Think ‘book tours’; ‘own shows’; industry awards etc.

I don’t regret the time with the DC but I do wonder if I should have gone back into ‘telly’ though I was burnt out. I was as ‘good’ as some - not all - of the ones who have gone on to set the world alight. I used to be so ambitious but really struggle to multi task with DC and their needs etc.

Suspect it’s Adhd and menopause looming.

How do I get my career mojo back? Any books/tips?

(I know comparison is the thief of job but I can’t help it).

The Pogues and Kirsty McCall are now singing in my head and will be there till after Christmas.

Soz

Exactly the same! Well, I'm worse with holidays than you - they put me in a bad mood to start with which takes a couple of days to shake off and I can never do more than a few days anyway without working. I'd go anywhere on a working holiday, it's not the travelling I object to, it's that I like what I do so I don't want a break from it, and without it a holiday seems like a depressing round of finding places to eat and things to look at (I like research but not tourism for its own sake) and not actively doing anything stimulating to me. I guess if I was sporty and liked climbing mountains or skiing that would be different, but what I really want is to be not passing through a place but involved in it and making a connection to it through my work. So it's not what most people call a holiday. Likewise I was really limited in how much time I could stick looking after DC. Luckily my DH is much better with that, and also not into holidays, but he does like to potter about so I get to leave him to it with the kids and keep working.

So much good advice here and experiences that resonate. I often do ask myself ‘if I won the lottery, what would I do?’ And it runs from go back and do another degree, kick ass qualification somewhere at a top uni just for the love of learning, write a screenplay (dark comedy or spy or mundane life or both - cross between Motherland and Spooks and Slow Horses somehow!) or pimp myself out as a leading adviser on behavioural psychology to presidential candidates… PS: None of these are a hint of my past life or necessarily skills!

Haven’t won the lottery, but now my kids are both teenagers and after nearly 18 years of freelancing around them I’m planning to go back to retrain in something that I see as more worthwhile/socially useful.

@Myfailedstory I honestly thing the Tana Mohr book is good on identifying what types of things you could do and which you'd like to take forward and which are just fantasy fun types of things (lots of people want to write in a little cottage by the sea, but when placed in a little cottage by the sea, they don't write, for example). I think a lot of us are puzzling these things out, and I have a feeling this is a life-long project (to find our projects, our purposes) and not just one 'twist' at any time point.

@Myfailedstory Your story resonates. I am lucky that at 62 I still work in entertainment industry alongside H - but we are lucky as have a very particular niche where it's about knowledge and contacts. He does front end stuff, I do the back end stuff including social media, marketing, dealing with fans etc.

You are 100% correct about ageism- all the bigger organisations are incredibly ageist, mainly from the money and image aspect. Why have a knowledgable and feisty 53 year old who dates to have an opinion in being paid £30,000 more than a 28 year old who doesn't offer opinions, kind of does the job , just accepts crappy orders from the top and accepts way less money too - sadly that's the way they see it . Unless you have something very specific they need be it in knowledge or skills or contacts you are toast at 40 in lots of places. They are more than happy to offer you bits of freelance in a lot of these places but don't want you on the payroll figures - it's not you - it's them

My own suggestion is to maybe think about what it is you miss- is it the actual job or is it the status and a bit of glamour in your life? I've done all kinds of jobs in the past- I've suprised myself, some of the really shitty fill in jobs I did when temping or with young kids I actually really enjoyed and some of the 'glamorous' things I've done were actually really tedious- in the shitty jobs I really enjoyed 'making a difference/helping people , contact with all kinds of people- in the glamorous ones I enjoyed the status/ the fact people were interested in what you did/ the freebies.

I think you need to work out what you really enjoy- it may be best for you to do a bit of both and have more than one job that brings out bits of the best of you in all aspects.

For instance, you could keep up a bit of freelancing still and nurture that and maybe look for a role as an agent/artists assistant for a few days- this is less ageist, they often value experience/ confidentiality/understanding of PR and contracts etc and they often want a part timer- still gives you a bit of glamour/events etc but can really be interesting.

I think you need to mentally start thinking sideways and accept that work going forward may be a series of short term interesting assignments rather than the 'big full time highly paid media job' as personally unless you are at the top by 45 , enough to influence who stays and who goes - that ship has kind of sailed -

I had a similar, albeit less glamorous, early career. Achieved well then children came along and progression faltered, although I kept working. People would tell me I was capable of greater things professionally but I didn’t believe them because the evidence wasn’t there and I was reluctant to say ‘I could have’ because I hadn’t, and to me that was what mattered.
Once children were grown I went into a different industry (not for profit) and flourished. Then I went back to university, completed a masters and am contemplating a PhD. I’ve found something I’m good at that adds value. It’s late in life but it’s energising and fulfilling and I love it.

I'm glad I'm not in an egotistical industry - book tours and own shows sound puke inducing to me.

Being older means we know work isn't the promised land of rewarding excitement and personal fulfilment it was pitched to us in our late teens. It's just means to get by and do other things you like until you die.

OP I’m in a very similar boat, combined with ill health which has necessitated a career change. I’m feeling very lost at the moment. DD is starting nursery in a week and I’m looking forward to having some time to think about what I do next. I know just what you mean about status. I had a part time freelance job with a very high day rate but I can’t take the pressure of that role any more. I’m trying to find a way of giving myself permission not to overachieve. Currently having therapy around it. It’s a complete change for me, like you - I was always fiercely academic and competitive. Having children has slowed me down too and I’m just hitting peri. Part of me doesn’t care and I think I’m okay with it, then the ambition spikes again and yes - I think I could have been someone!

@BetterInColour you’ve nailed it. I shall go back and read that book!!

@Crikeyalmighty Ouch, I think you’re right. The friends who have done really well have been through 7 or so extra years of tedium compared to me. I sort of burnt out in a way and lost my spark. I do still have a spark. But it comes in fits and starts and is not necessarily for that job.

I liked the subject matter but not necessarily my own role if that makes sense.

My sympathies @BoudiccasBangles . I had my last child and then - bang - I still felt ‘pregnant’ for many years if that makes sense but it was probably an early sign of perimenopause… The perils of having your children in your mid to late 30s I guess!

I hope your health issues resolve themselves. I just wish we did not have to choose between high paying freelance gig fulltime and nothing! I wish there were more opportunities to do those roles part time

But you must realise this is just how you feel about work and doesn't necessarily apply to all people??🤔

You might be in a 'Work to Live' not 'Live to Work' mindset, but many people enjoy their work, feel fulfilled by it and appreciate what it gives them, whether that is recognition, social interaction etc.

I've never worked in a role where I was just in it for the pay! That would be so depressing (although I appreciate that this is the case for many people).

Brave Starts career programme has been really helpful for me. Its aimed at people in their 40s and above.

The Squiggly Careers podcast is good on all this, especially recasting your notions of career success in a way that accounts for the complexities of life rather than the straightforward career ladder idea that’s not that suited to certain sectors or people with caring responsibilities.

Yes, I definitely work to live not live to work. DH too. I think we are in the majority