I could have been someone…

[Myfailedstory]

Please excuse this rant but perhaps it’s the weather, the crap job market and my hormones all colluding to turn me into someone miserable…

As a child, I was super ambitious though never massively confident.

A handful of years ago, I had a career in a very competitive environment (think telly but not quite). I was forced to leave as many in our org were when their time had come, and got a reasonable pay off. I was semi relieved as I had been in ‘Telly’ for years and although it could seem glamorous from the outside, I began to feel trapped and a bit bored.

I had the chance to spend more time with my small DC. And then about 18 months later went into a more lucrative career with my transferable skills…I was learning and earning. It wasn’t as ‘fame building’ as telly but I was convinced I had leapfrogged several pay brackets with this experience.

Covid hit and with it redundancy. I clawed by way back into another organisation with my transferable skills but that contract could not be extended beyond two years. The pay was good but the title was not.

I convinced myself I would launch my own business or have an internal role with any famous organisation. I don’t know what it is but I’ve failed to build much momentum for the 3 months I’ve been off. Jobs are scarce, pay out there is really poor.

Meanwhile, friends and ex colleagues in telly are doing amazingly well. Think ‘book tours’; ‘own shows’; industry awards etc.

I don’t regret the time with the DC but I do wonder if I should have gone back into ‘telly’ though I was burnt out. I was as ‘good’ as some - not all - of the ones who have gone on to set the world alight. I used to be so ambitious but really struggle to multi task with DC and their needs etc.

Suspect it’s Adhd and menopause looming.

How do I get my career mojo back? Any books/tips?

(I know comparison is the thief of job but I can’t help it).

Ooooh it does really sound like you need your own business / personal brand /

Maybe take a complete break & let it bubble up naturally..don't force it

I’d recommend doing a bit of self reflection. Search up some tools on the internet to identify your career motivators and your strengths. It’s often the case when we feel a bit stuck to look at others around us who seem really happy with what they are doing instead of looking inward and determining what it is we really want out of our careers. Try to work out what drives you, what type of work makes you feel like you’ve made a difference and gives you a sense of purpose and satisfaction. Once you’ve identified those things you can get a more detailed plan and start putting actions in place to achieve it.

I’m going to say this bluntly because I am not really sure how else to.

Who was giving you opportunities when you were a bright young thing and working your way up?

Im assuming people in their 40s/ 50s / 60s.

That’s you now! You need to get out of the mindset of something having been taken from you. It might be true (redundancies) but it’s not helpful and is defeatist. Now more than ever your in the era where it’s you who needs to create opportunities. You might be lucky and someone comes saves you and takes you under their wing and flys you into the rarified atmosphere. But it’s unlikely. You either need to build your own plane or accept the potential mediocrity of someone else being in control of your career.

On reflection, I don’t think I’m pining for my old job or even industry but for the status perhaps.

Wanting status is not enough and probably where you’re going wrong. @Myfailedstory your posts don’t say much about your enjoyment of the work, but you wang on about your status. And bitch about other people’s success.

Find something you want to do because it is satisfying and helps you grow and learn as a person. Fixating on status is not particularly enriching or leading to maturity.

YABU to put that bloody song in so many heads on November 7th, ffs. I expect to make it to December before having it in a loop in my head.

@YellowAsteroid the OP has not said anything bitchy about colleagues. She has praised them.

@Myfailedstory yes, it's partly about status but there's nothing wrong with that. People still talk to me about my late father's professional status. He left a legacy and i think that's great.

I was overtaken by general ennui by 30, having bust a gut in my 20s. I'm proud of what i did in the context of mental health issues but now am quite well and could do a lot more. I did find the prospect of a better home a big motivator but the prices overtook me...or maybe that's me being lazy again. I don't know for sure.

people I worked with in my 20s are still showing drive and discipline in their 50s. I'm so impressed but I think they have a real enthusiasm that I lack.

This thread really resonates with me too, I'm in a very similar position to OP and some of the pps.

I don't have kids either, I just got bored of telly (it was actually telly in my case). I am obsessive and extremely driven when it's something I care about, but if it's not I really can't motivate myself at all. At the same time, I need work to feel fulfilled. I love work, when it's something I care about, it's all-consuming. But I haven't really felt that for years.

I am working on a new career path (am in early 40s), but it's slow going because I haven't hit my stride yet, and hard to focus because I still do a bit of freelancing to pay the bills, and I struggle to switch my brain to the new thing.

I panic frequently about running out of time, and read about late bloomers to try to talk myself down.

One thing that is helping me frame my progress is the Japanese concept of ikigai, which a friend introduced me to. When applied to careers, the idea is that you will be fulfilled if you can find something that meets four criteria:

What you love
What you’re good at
What you can be paid for
What the world needs

I mean, the world definitely doesn't need the work I'm doing, but I suppose in a roundabout way it could make a tiny but positive contribution.

To be honest it sounds like you have achieved loads already...a lot more than me. I came to realise that competition from others will try and hold you bk so cut yourself some slack.
What makes you think you aren't already" someone?"
Im just trying to guess who you are!

You are missing the point. The OP is clear that she was very good. Better than many and was doing really well. 'Most' people are fundamentally average and never had the potential to be anything other than ordinary.

The line was a song lyric, not missing anything, but to this bigger point -

I do something analogous and stuck it out and have done relatively well like OP's friends in my 40s. What I'd say is that there's a point where it's not so much about being very good, many people are, but about an almost unhealthy level of commitment (dare I say mania?) that makes you keep going rather than spending more time with the DC or being put off by many rejections/snubs that could take others out of the industry. It's that drive that makes the difference, plus an element of luck of course, but the drive ups the chances of the good luck, whereas if the bad luck is accepted and you take time out then the opportunities decrease.

I'm not saying OP was wrong to spend time with DC at all. In fact I'm saying that's probably the right choice and to accept it as a choice rather than a path imposed on her, because perhaps she's more balanced than colleagues who pushed on. The talk of fame etc is one measure of success but doesn't make up for the absolute grind and endless pursuit of shifting goals. I'm not complaining as this is my choice but I absolutely am wired this way and it's about being who I am rather than needing to be 'someone'.

For that thing the OP is searching for, I'd say look forward instead of back. Maybe see a good senior career consultant for a few sessions to look into your goals. Often in your 40s it's as much about putting back as advancing yourself. So mentoring others and sitting on boards, giving talks etc can all give status and satisfaction, and inadvertently help with your career. Go wide and deep, but focus on what you can do not what you didn't do in the past. Own those decisions then you can feel more in control of your destiny now and open to new possibilities. Good luck!

You're comparing your reality with a total fantasy which is always going to make you feel miserable. Think about your life holistically and what you want from a career now.

You sound like you are a talented and hard working person. You will find your next opportunity in good time.

Do get checked out for menopause etc. Times when my career sunk coincided with undiagnosed physical health issues (especially anaemia).

You are bored OP and boredom is a luxury. My cousin upped and left the RAF abruptly and all we hear from him is “I could have been a squadron leader.” The last time I saw him this had escalated to being Air Chief Marshall with a knighthood.

You sound like me every time I get on the scales. Why can’t I lose weight? Why am I not thin? I could have been a size 6 model on a yacht oh crisps.

I have this sometimes, as my career came to an abrupt halt due to first child/moving abroad and my (similar) industry doesn't exist here.

I had a couple of years of existential angst like this and then realised I needed to make my own thing. So I am. It's early days but it uses the skills and experience I had before in a new way.

Being honest with myself I wouldn't want a job that took me so much away from my children, but I do miss the status of my old career.

It should also have told me something (but of course you don't learn these lessons pre-kids) that most of the super senior women in my industry were/are childless.

@TiredWife I'm so annoyed for you.

Was it radio, OP? Can you get back into it and use any connections you still have?

I understand this, sometimes I wonder if I'm just lazy, but it's not really that I don't think. When I'm into a project, I work harder than anyone, I don't stop. It's truly obsessive. Because of that though, I need downtime to get over the project when it's done, during which phase I am lazy (or recovering I suppose). I learned the hard way that if I don't have downtime I burn out and fall apart.

The problem I am trying to solve is how to make the things I get obsessive about into a legitimate living. It is possible, but sometimes getting from here to there feels overwhelming.

I don't really look back at my old colleagues with envy or "that could have been me", mainly because many of them have been made redundant anyway, and the ones that are sticking it out are finding the industry tough these days. Also, I didn't have my eyes set on management or seniority, it's just not me, so I never wanted to be an exec or anything. The aiming-for-exec people are the ones that have the drive to stick it out I think, but they are wired very differently from me.

You took my dreams from me....

More waffle incoming from me 😂 This is a topic that's in the back of my mind quite often - threads like this always really resonate with me.

Do you think that you would work if you won the lottery? I always think that's a key question because you get people who say "yes" straight away and I cannot fathom being that person.

Really, I would make any decisions based on your immediate financial need.

I enjoy having a quiet life in career terms. I enjoy not having pressure. On these threads people often suggest seeing a career coach but there isn't really anything that gets me fired up in career terms. I suppose there is always that background nagging voice that says there is something wrong with you if you're not ambitious, and that's what bothers me.

@EmeraldRoulette I think there's something in this- but another way of framing the OP's dilemma would be 'what would you do if you won the lottery?' It might be that there are projects or places or people or dreams that she would love to do if money was no object (and it's not the driving force here). Some people like to live a quieter life, get a dog, potter about, enjoy the here and now. I have to have a project, like another poster, and left to my own devices and without financial pressure, I'd just find another one, start writing another book, set up something, I just like living in that slightly obsessional way.

I think you have got to know if you are missing status but that's ok as you like your life now, or you are missing status because that status was a proxy for feeling purposeful and motivated and engaged with the world. If it's the second, how can you get it back, in or out of the workplace?

I would work if I won the lottery, yes, but ultimately I'm a creative, so I'm not career driven, the drive is something else. The projects I would do if money were taken out of the equation would be quite different from what I do to pay the bills. But I wouldn't retire.

This is very well put, you and I are very similar I think.

See if I won the lottery, I would no way keep working in any form.

I imagine that time would be very much occupied with all the things you could do with money at your disposal. But I wouldn't want to do more study. I suppose eventually I might find my way to a personal project but being honest I doubt it. To some extent, I think the attraction would be that you could wake up and see where the day took you.

It's good that there's all kinds of different sorts. I could never fathom not working and just seeing where the day took me. I actively dislike holidays and days off and get my kicks from being fully absorbed in my work - which is hard work but also akin to how kids play, where it's of utmost importance and very real to them even if it's all made up. I know it's a distortion in my head/wiring and that many people are happy to potter and pass the time, but that would make me deeply unhappy. I suppose it'd be freeing not to have this drive but it would also feel purposeless for me. I'd probably have to try to be zen about it somehow. If I won the lottery I would absolutely use it to fund my projects and would never retire as long as my health allowed me to keep working. It's only illness that would make me stop I think, but I'd still need to keep my mind fully occupied somehow.

I agree with this. Jobs are jobs, we are all replaceable in them. Where we are not replaceable is in our relationships with people - our children, families, friends..

@pinkdelight sounds like we have a lot in common! I never met anyone who doesn't really like holidays, I don't mind them but I'd rather be on a holiday writing something than sitting about! I have learned to enjoy holidays but I have to consciously make the effort to switch into switching off, and I can only do it for a few days before I'd be thinking about starting back up again with my next idea. Everyone is built differently as they say!

Hand raised in agreement here too. I was saying this exact thing to someone the other day—I don't really like holidays, but I love travelling for work. I like relaxing time off when I'm between projects, but I'd rather do that at home.

When work is good, it's my joy in life, I don't need time off from it in the sense of a break from the drudge, and travelling for the sake of it makes me feel a bit anxious, like I should be getting more from this experience. I have the same feeling with parties—I've never got what it is that people are really enjoying about them and can't seem to let go and get into them. It's different if I'm hosting, which I love to do—that's just another project.