Colleague keeps calling me fat!

[Iwonderwhywhat]

Hi- name change for this post. I manage a team of people and one person who I manage makes lots of comments about weight in general. However, each and every week she makes at least four-five digs at me, about my weight!

I’m not particularly paranoid about my weight (5ft8 and size 20) because I know I have gained over the years and I’m working on it. I work full-time and am a single mum to a child with special needs- I’m really just keeping my head above water.

At work, I’m well-respected and am known for being calm and in control. This colleague makes comments like these two little nuggets yesterday:

• Music plays so I “grapevine” randomly to filing cabinet (used to be a fitness instructor teaching aerobics). She says, “You could do with that exercise…”
• Commenting on how tall someone is I say that yes, they’re about two inches taller than me and hold my hand up to show their height. She then tells me that I don’t look tall because they are lean and I am spherical!

In all seriousness, it’s getting me down and it’s humiliating as it is always in front of others.

At the moment, I just say “ouch” and walk off, not in an aggressive way but just calmly. Should I actually take this further?

In relation to being embarrassed about everyone discussing your weight-
a- they really won't be that interested and b-in the nicest way possible, (and as someone hardly svelte herself!) they already know what you look like. It's not as though your colleagues are all under the assumption you're a tiny ballerina type and her mentioning it is going to shock them into noticing your weight. They know you are bigger, but also know that, as you say, you are attractive, dress well and appropriately etc. And more relevantly that you are professional and do your job well.

I'm sure if your office is anything like pretty much any other UK office you are neither the only nor even the biggest person working there. The absolute worse thing they can say about you is "yes op is quite big but it's rude and inappropriate to mention it in work"....which is exactly what you know and have accepted yourself anyway.

Nope no idea what organisation, however I want to point out that she's worked there longer and yet you are the manager!

Presumably your worried about her claiming age discrimination or something?

She won't be sacked anyway, she will get formal warnings first but let's hope the warning from you is enough. There are witnesses to her behaviour so she doesn't have a leg to stand on

What would you do if she was making these comments to someone else in your team? Presumably you would shut them down straight away, you owe yourself the same courtesy.

Take yourself out the equation, she’s making these comments to another team member, make a plan based on that. Then follow that the same for yourself. If you have a manager or some HR consultancy loop them in at an early stage.

I've found it really effective to just say pardon? And pretend you didn't hear what she said. Make her repeat it. Then a hard stare and a "did you really just say blah blah blah" and "what do you mean". Sometimes it works to stop them in their tracks . She sounds awful.

Personally I'd pull her into a one to one meeting and tell her that she is being rude and unprofessional and that this behaviours has to stop now, give her examples. tell her that if this behaviour continues you will start the company disciplinary procedure against her.

Is it some kind of power play this viper has going on do you think?

I agree. This is my usual approach to unwanted comments too.

Firstly I do the raised eyebrow and 'excuse me?' If they try to brush it off I find that asking someone to repeat the disparaging remark they made tends to make them squirm rather satisfyingly.

Good luck OP. Put that goady goat in her place.

I would not comment in front of colleagues.
I would make a note (date/time/what's said/witnesses) and id speak with her privately. I'd remind her of what she said when and tell her that it needs to stop immediately and any repeat of such unprofessional remarks will result in you invoking formal procedures against her. I'd ask her to confirm tgat she understands. Lastly I would ask her if I had done anything to offend her to cause this behaviour.

I'd also speak to her privately.

I've tell her that you've let the comments slide up until now, but need to make it clear that commenting on my weight, or anyone else's for that matter is rude and very unprofessional. Tell her that you are not taking any action at this time, however any further comments on your, or anyone else's appearance will be taken down the disciplinary route. Then follow up the conversation via an email and copy in your boss.

If you formalise procedures, she's either not brought back if she's ad hoc or she's suspended with strict instructions not to contact anybody (and if she does, she doesn't come back) - sorted either way.

Or you could be 'kind' and suggest a referral to occupational health as an alternative to automatically ending her employment as you're 'concerned for her wellbeing', what with the age related conditions that can present with people suddenly becoming offensive.

Odds are she's just a spiteful bully who has got away with this for 40+ years, though, not somebody unfortunately suffering an illness.

A private meeting. I would state that comments such as x,y and x are rude and unprofessional and are in breech of the organisations code of conduct/bullying and harassment/professional conduct policies.

I would then state that moving forwards such comments are likely to lead to formal action being taken

I would also follow up with an email log of the meeting

as per our meeting on x date please find attached the a,b and c policies for you to revert back to.

I think I would have to say the following;
I do hope I don't become so judgemental about people as I get older Margaret...
Then give her a big smile...

When you put a stop to this her reply will probably be either she was just joking or she cares about you and was trying to motivate you. Do not tolerate either. This is harassment and needs to stop.

I would ask her for a meeting and tell her that the comments she makes about your size are unprofessional and unacceptable.

Tell her that obviously there is the potential for you to find her comments hurtful but that isn’t what you want to discuss as her manager. Your.main concern is that any unsolicited personal comments in the workplace are inappropriate and unprofessional and you would like her to stop.

“May I point out it is highly unprofessional to comment on my weight, let alone insult me for it. Why do you do it?what are you hoping to achieve?”

If there’s no HR, I’d say this and then take it further if she doesn’t take heed.

Ah yes the sacred cow who fails to adapt to changing workplace culture but no one wants to call out. Great advice upthread worded perfectly I cannot add anything other than to say…keep in mind you may have employees who have overweight spouses or children. They are listening and hearing this too.

Does your workplace do any training? I assume not. At my workplace we do annual training in, among many other things, 'harassment prevention'. You have to pass it and it is part of your performance assessment so you can't just ignore it. One way to address the OP's situation is to depersonalise it, so rather than Valerie being nasty to the OP, it becomes Valerie isn't meeting the company's standards and that becomes a performance issue. But that all presupposes a competent HR department, which is perhaps not available.

I would remain calm and professional turn square onto her look her in the eye and say.....please refrain from making such comments quite possibly at this point she will try to justify herself hold your hand up and continue with it's not professional it's unnecessary and I don't appreciate it but if you'd like to discuss it somewhere quiet it's something I'd be happy to do with you......then walk away....the ball is then as they say her court

No need to go there or to wonder. In my experience (and my age starts with a 6), there is ingrained politeness in people of a certain age that would preclude that sort of rudeness about someone's appearance.

She's just crass and opinionated.

Oh, and she's not saying it to the men because she believes they would have no hesitation in telling her to eff off.

Is it escalating at all?