Colleague keeps calling me fat!

[Iwonderwhywhat]

Hi- name change for this post. I manage a team of people and one person who I manage makes lots of comments about weight in general. However, each and every week she makes at least four-five digs at me, about my weight!

I’m not particularly paranoid about my weight (5ft8 and size 20) because I know I have gained over the years and I’m working on it. I work full-time and am a single mum to a child with special needs- I’m really just keeping my head above water.

At work, I’m well-respected and am known for being calm and in control. This colleague makes comments like these two little nuggets yesterday:

• Music plays so I “grapevine” randomly to filing cabinet (used to be a fitness instructor teaching aerobics). She says, “You could do with that exercise…”
• Commenting on how tall someone is I say that yes, they’re about two inches taller than me and hold my hand up to show their height. She then tells me that I don’t look tall because they are lean and I am spherical!

In all seriousness, it’s getting me down and it’s humiliating as it is always in front of others.

At the moment, I just say “ouch” and walk off, not in an aggressive way but just calmly. Should I actually take this further?

Re: OP "getting off to HR"/filing a grievance: OP is this person's manager. You don't go to HR so they can defend you against the comments of your own direct report. You don't raise a grievance against your own direct report. You manage them.

This is absolutely awful, I am SO sorry you are going through this. What a hideous person to be commenting on someone's weight, and whilst it says everything about her and nothing about you, of course it's going to make you feel absolutely awful.

You must take this further. Perhaps it might be an ideally to formally ask her to stop (over email or teams so there is a record) and in this email make it clear you have already verbally shown you do not want or like the comments. Then if it carries on, do you have an HR department?

You also must not feel the need to justify your weight by saying it's because you have an SEN child, are busy etc etc.
I guarantee you are absolutely lovely just as you are and you are doing amazingly well juggling your child, your career and managing a team. What a woman!

I appreciate that you want to be a calmer boss, but she's taking the total piss out of you. I'd be taking her aside today to quietly discuss the comments if I was feeling kind, and then if it continued to any degree I'd be engaging HR to deal with her lack of professionalism and bullying.
As a PP mentioned, if others hear her making these kind of comments without repercussions, they may wonder what they can get away with.

The second comment is absolutely disgusting, she's crossed a line. OP your her manager, you need to take control of this. You take her In the office and give her a copy of the work place bullying policy and respect and behaviour at work policy.

You make absolutely clear that commenting on a person's weight in a derogatory mannor is not acceptable and that HR will be called in if it happens again.

You need to stamp your authority on this because it's not work place banter in my opinion it's deliberate humiliation and if she can do this to you is she doing anything to the other staff?

Leave her in absolutely no doubt that you maybe calm and a nice manager but you are also no push over and it isn't acceptable. OP if another staff member came to you with this, you wouldn't hesitate to take action, don't let this slide just because you are the victim.

If she persists call in HR don't hesitate

Complain as it’s a form of bullying. People who try to shame others over their weight like this are almost always embittered, judgemental, empty husks.

I think the other thing stopping me is that she is a foghorn so if I tell her straight (which I will) then she is very likely (based on past experience ) to go all over our organisation telling everyone! I’m already humiliated and don’t want it discussed!

Thank you for your comments. I am lovely as I am! Male validation is not something I seek at this point but if I did, then I feel fairly confident that I’ve “still got it”! I’m focusing on my weight a little more for health and happiness/practical reasons.

I’m a very shy person masquerading as outgoing and strong. This normally works for me but this situation has had me frozen to the spot with embarrassment!

‘It would be preferable for us both if you stop making personal comments about my body. I would rather not have to deal with this officially but will do so if you continue.’

Stop what you are doing, hold eye contact and say frostily “I beg your pardon?” And hold eye contact and the silence until she looks away or apologises.

You need to bring home how inappropriate she is being but without leaving yourself open to any criticism.

if that doesn’t work, start a disciplinary process with shppprt from HR. There is bound to be something in your Code of Conduct about treating colleagues with respect. That’s standard boilerplate.

If she does foghorn your discussion all over the office, I would honestly try not to worry about it too much, OP. She will come across as the ultimate twat and people will feel more embarrassed about her behaviour than what she is subjecting you to. The fact she honks on so loudly about any issues is another massive reg flag about her lack of professionalism. She sounds like a real raging bitch.

Also tell her that the incident and this meeting is not to be discussed outside of this room and if it is, then formal procedures will begin.

Honestly I'd call HR for advice I know your embarrassed but you shouldn't be, she should. This will stop if you take action 100%

I think the other thing stopping me is that she is a foghorn so if I tell her straight (which I will) then she is very likely (based on past experience ) to go all over our organisation telling everyone!

Then all she'll be doing is embarrassing herself.

I'm sorry, but if you can't deal with this you should probably step down from a management role. If you can't manage your employee's behaviour, you shouldn't be a manager.

If she's on a casual contract then did she come to you via an agency? if she did then you or GR ring them up and tell them that their employee is no longer required and why.

I think the other thing stopping me is that she is a foghorn so if I tell her straight (which I will) then she is very likely (based on past experience ) to go all over our organisation telling everyone! I’m already humiliated and don’t want it discussed!

You sound scared of her. Why? you're her manager and she's a casual hire. It souds like it's not the first time she's overstepped, so getting rid of her would be a win.

I’ll go down the route of Code of Conduct/tell her to stop and see what happens. I honestly thought if I ignored her (like a difficult child) then she’d stop because there was no fuel for the fire.

She’s worked at this organisation longer than me and it would be “bad PR” to get rid of her, even though she really has overstepped consistently. She’s sort of part of the furniture and the hope is that she retires sooner or later! My organisation (you might have guessed what type by now) is a little bit old fashioned. I guess I’m scared of her in that I’m embarrassed about everyone discussing my weight (if they hear about this) and also that she could damage my good reputation. I’ll take the risk and manage her though- this just feels harder because its so personal!

I'm quite good with banter and in a similar position to yourself. On the odd occasion it oversteps the mark they get an 'excuse me?' and a look. Once more and they're pulled to one side and told to pack it in. No one's ever tried it again so I'm all out of ideas after that 🤣

I’m really assertive when it comes to work stuff. With this, I just feel mortified! I don’t really discuss my weight even with my closest friends- we just get on and have a good time.

Tell her to stop and if she doesn't it will be more formal. And that this discussion doesn't go further than between you and her

This.

Be professional and make her do the same.

OK.

Imagine she is saying it to another employee (she probably is!) and speak to her as if it were about them. Distance yourself from it being about you and make it about lack of professionalism from her.

I would say it straight to her in front of others, if she is commenting in front of others.

"Maureen, it is unprofessional to make personal comments in the workplace. Please stop."

"Maureen, I have warned you once already about personal comments. Your next warning will be an official one."

Etc.

And do it if you hear her calling anyone else short/bald/whatever so that it isn't just about you.

Brill. I’ll distance myself, keep it professional, use the Code of Conduct and tell her to stop.
Urgh!

Well done. It's not easy because she is poking at a slightly sensitive spot, but you can do it.

Maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Bullies can smell a weakness!

I'm another one who's surprised you've let it go on this long! (Although I do understand the embarrassment factor)

If I'm honest, if her contract is one that can be ended without any reasons/ repercussions I'd be tempted to do it - only because otherwise if you raise this and then need to sack her later down the line, even for a completely unrelated reason, she could use the 'x has always had it in for me, she's picking on me because of that one time I made a joke about her....' even though it wouldn't be the case you're opening yourself up to unnecessary complications.

If you cant get rid you need to challenge immediately - but not just in private in a 1-1 but right there if she says something again. If she makes the comment in public she should be challenged in public, to send the wider message that that behaviour won't be tolerated by management. Otherwise everyone else will just see her repeatedly making comments without any comeback so will assume you/the company are fine with those sort of comments - this could then escalate both to others being insulting and affecting company culture but also again opens you/the organisation up to criticism if you ever need to discipline someone else for anything vaguely related.

Although you say she doesn't do it to anyone else, you don't know that - you're not always in earshot, it could be that she has insulted others and they haven't raised it, again out of embarrassment.and because they have the reduced protection of not being a manager

As a pp said, if she does foghorn it everywhere, she will only paint herself in a bad light, nobody will think anything negative of you, if anything they'll think good for her!

Thank you. I’ll try to take the shame out of it and manage it as i would anything else. You’ve all been very helpful.

Agree with the 'you are being unprofessional' approach, she can foghorn all she likes about that but it will only make her look bad!
Love your attitude BTW, you sound like a great manager and I understand why you've been struggling to figure out the best way to address it.