New guy in the office getting on my nerves

[user1471867483]

This married guy started in our office about 4-5 weeks ago. I've been in my role 8 years. Last week he bought me a Kit Kit - nice, OK.

I'm a very private person and never bring in my personal life into work. Now, he's asking my coworker where I live, the exact house and if I have a partner. My sensible coworker told him she doesn't know about my personal life and go ask me himself. He also wanted to know why I didn't say bye when I left for the evening. Our office is busy with 8-9 of us at any given time, so my 'byes' might get lost in the noise and busyness of the office. Plus, I have to rush for my train.
Best way of dealing with him? I don't owe him or anyone any explanation about my life or my ways/actions.

I think asking exact house the op lives in is creepy to be fair. He sounds lonely borderline creepy invading op’s space.

It could matter, because if he is in a position of authority over the OP it makes it more difficult for the OP to fend him off without jeopardising her own job. If he is in a senior position it makes it even worse. He can use his power to get away with it, and she wouldn't just be able to tell him to fuck off should the need arise.

He sounds like a stalker. I would engage as little as possible so he gets the message.

I am astonished with PPs saying it is ok to enquire about colleagues full address. That sounds super dodgy.
You need to report him to HR.

OP your post reminded me of this in the Observer. Shows how far this could go - and still, comments siding with the stalker! Maybe some ideas on how to deal with him before he buys a house near you...
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/31/my-clingy-colleague-has-bought-a-house-almost-next-door?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

No no no @fromaytobe seniority in role isn't power, complaints should always be raised, and if not dealt with then leave. It might even qualify as constructive dismissal which can be taken up legally if she can get the advice and support.

Anything else just suggests the OP accepts this treatment, which is less than she deserves and that's part of how this kind of thing carries on. Inappropriate treatment can even have consequences in relationships with people outside work

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-68232972

Even when a stalker held a woman at gunpoint for eight hours he only got 4.5 years in prison.

Happened to me more than once. Safety is more important than fucking “be nice". If you are going around asking colleagues about people's exact address and marital status then you are being weird.

Yes it could matter but it shouldn’t matter. She’s been there 8 years, he’s been there 4-5 weeks.

As @spookehtooth says is right. OP is lucky as she has a HR dept which a lot of smaller companies don’t have.

I’d even go so far as to print/link emails in my HR complaint about stalkers to HR.

Many years ago when I was 24, I was stalked at my workplace. I was a float secretary for a big UK wide removals company called Bishop’s Move. One of the removals men who was 7 years younger than me fancied me and we had a fling, a few of the office staff did this with the removals staff. Then we broke it off or I did and I noticed he was following me to the station after work.

He almost always followed me in clear sight or relatively clear sight but a good 5-10 minute walk away. He wouldn’t leave me alone. It was mostly trying to talk to me which I didn’t want to do. Luckily, after a few months of doing this he stopped. Also, fairly luckily, on a few occasions some of my colleagues who caught the same train as I did were walking with me. But if I’d been for after work drinks he’d follow me from the pub. I knew if I said anything all his family (his dad worked there and his uncle) would’ve accused me as being a trouble maker.

Luckily, though he knew the area where I lived, he didn’t know my address, and I don’t think he’d have followed me home, which was about a 30 minute train journey away. He did threaten to get on the train with me though.

He lived with his family across the road from the offices. It was quite scary when it was darker though as I saw him a few times where he was hiding from me. But this was in the 90s, when stalking wasn’t really a thing so I just hoped it went away. No HR then either, you could’ve mentioned it to office managers or the MD’s office but that was it which was surprising for a large company.

It’s a scary experience though, and I’m lucky I left not long after this (not because of this) and I didn’t see him again.

Men do strange things all the time. I was a team PA/secretary at a medium sized architects, had been there 6 years.

The accountant used to buy me and the receptionist cream cakes from Patisserie Valerie on a regular basis and we accepted them as a kind gesture. He was always lovely to us otherwise, liked a chat.

Once, after we’d been out for our Christmas meal we all got a taxi back to London Bridge where we got our trains. Either in front of the receptionist or when she’s got out of the cab, he tried to grope me (he was old enough to be my dad!) and we laughed this off as him being drunk (we all were).

This doesn’t come under the stalking bracket, but it does come under the inappropriate behaviour bracket. Who knows, his gifts of cakes could’ve been more than just a friendly gesture?! We were the only 2 women in the office to get the cakes. He did have our addresses as he did payroll but luckily no stalking happened.

Did we read a different OP? I think you might be following an entirely different thread!

Some posters are just best ignored I find…

And are best off left back in the 1950s or wherever this behaviour was acceptable.

I would be uncomfortable with this. Trust your instincts and ignore anyone trying to shame you into "being kind".

May I thank you all for your replies. I found so many helpful responses. I shall document everything that he says to me now. However, I am going to keep a low profile around him and not engage in conversation other than work and ONLY if I have to. I forgot to also tell you all that two weeks ago when he came in one morning, he asked me, "Did you sleep well"? Creepy or what.

Thank you all again. I shall treasure your helpfulness xxx 🙏I'll keep you posted if anything untoward occurs, but I hope this will die down now. I was off for two days last week, so I didn't see him much!

No, she’s got a good point and trying to make women feel bad about instincts isn’t a good look.

OP - stick to your guns. You only need to be professional, not ‘kind’, or budge up your personal boundaries

Yep!

May I thank you all for your replies. I found so many helpful responses. I shall document everything that he says to me now. However, I am going to keep a low profile around him and not engage in conversation other than work and ONLY if I have to. I forgot to also tell you all that two weeks ago when he came in one morning, he asked me, "Did you sleep well"? Creepy or what.
Thank you all again. I shall treasure your helpfulness xxx 🙏I'll keep you posted if anything untoward occurs, but I hope this will die down now. I was off for two days last week, so I didn't see him much!

This could be clutching at straws but is he showing any signs of being autistic? It may be that he has been taught certain social cues and is disproportionately upset when they aren't followed as, having been taught them, he thinks these are the "rules" and should be followed. I've worked with a couple of people like this and, once you've realised what's going on, have found that you can either adapt to what they're doing (if it's harmless) or explain why it's inappropriate in the situation you're in. One of my colleagues always asks after my children whether we bump into each other in the coffee shop or if I ring him with something urgent. He has a list on his desk of who has children, pets and that sort of thing so he can ask about them. It's not stalkerish, just him doing his best. His line manager is working with him on it but, at the same time, most of us have learned to say "Hi. My children/cat/dog are well thank you. This has gone wrong and I need you to do this, this and this".

Let's not blame being a creepy fuck on autism

👏

Poor guy …
what a mean response to some really normal behaviour

For balance, when I started my new job, Jane and I were talking and she mentioned our colleague John lived in Village X. I said where, and she replied, one of the houses on the green. I then asked if he had a little ginger dog and she said yes. Next time John was in, I said to John how I'd grown up in Village X and my best friend grew up in the house 2 down from him. I'm there weekly to visit my nan who lives right at the bottom and always saw the little dog up at the window.

He laughed and said he knew my best friends parents well.

I'm not a stalker. Neither did Jane feel the need to rush to John and "omg that new girl wants to know exactly where you live, she even knows what pets you have."

I also bought Jane a picture she'd been coveting from a shop nearby, no reason other than she never buys things for herself and I thought it was a nice thing to do. I don't fancy Jane.

It's actually creepy behaviour to ask about personal/private details about a couple-worker. I can understand the OP being uncomfortable about this.

@user1471867483 perhaps you could consider telling him that you prefer to keep your private and working lives completely separate and to stop asking personal details about you from other colleagues. I know you've said you're shy, but you do need to stand up for yourself politely and professionally, and build a boundary to show that he's overstepping.

Additionally next time he buys you a Kit Kat (or anything else) just say a firm but polite "no thank you", and turn back to your work, effectively ending that interaction. No need for placatory smiles.

Talking to your manager is the next step if he continues his current behaviour. 🌹

Definitely, thank you.

Wanting to know where someone lives is weird. I never told colleagues my address unless we became friends and it reached the sort of level where you went to their house.

I would report to HR now, he is still on probation at the moment so why wait.

All this be nice and accommodating to men, just don’t.